My child is two and a half now, and although I’ve been getting this question since he was about one, it’s gotten more frequent, the older he gets:

“Any plans for number two yet?” or worse still “When’s number two then?”

Firstly, let me explain why I think this is a feminist issue, rather than just a “you’re being bloody rude” issue.

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I think part of it has to do with women’s bodies being considered “public property” and another part is to do with child care and child rearing seen as purely a woman’s role, and whether or not to have children is seen as something the woman in a het relationship decides.

The first part, the “public property” thing, is particularly noticeable in pregnancy with the bump groping. I am one of the few women I know who didn’t mind people touching my bump (although only if they asked first, and sometimes they didn’t) when I was pregnant; but I was also in a relationship without much physical affection at the time, so I was “taking it where I could get it”. But on the whole, most of my Mum friends have told me how they didn’t enjoy it, and that they only said “yes” (if they were asked) because of a feeling of obligation.

I think the part of “when’s number two?” that stems from that is the feeling that it isn’t your body any more; if you’ve had a baby, there’s almost a part of you that’s seen as an incubation chamber, and it’s everyone else’s business what that body’s going to do next.

Don’t get me wrong, I am personally incredibly proud of being a mother and I think I do a damn good job of it. For me, personally, it is my main job and the biggest part of me. But that involves a hell of a lot more than “getting pregnant and giving birth”. That’s just the very first stage. Even if we’re just talking about what my body does when it comes to being a mother; it nurses my child, it picks him up, it carries him around, it plays with him, it gets down on the floor and lets him ride on its back… and more. For me personally (but not for every mother) I’ve given over a lot of my body to childcare, the majority, even. But that’s a lot more than pregnancy, and I resent being thought of as a vessel to carry babies. Because, even though that’s part of it, it’s a very small part. And it’s not public property; it’s my property, and who I use it for, and how, is none of your business.

And if that’s me, whose identity is primarily tied up with being a mother, how much more would someone who’d given birth to a child, but whose identity was more tied up in things outside of “mothering” feel?

The other thing, the “women=destined to have children” starts before the second child, of course. I remember when I got married to my (now ex) husband; people asked me when I was going to have children. Notice they asked me, not him.

It continues through employers asking “are you planning to have children” in job interviews, even though they’re not allowed to. I also think this attitude is partly responsible for some of the child-hate within the feminist and child-free movements (and oh yes, it does exist). A bit like, “if I go on about how much I hate children, my employer will never mistake me for being one of those people who ‘goes off and has a kid and doesn’t come back after mat leave’ and therefore I will get promoted”, and so on. Or just wanting to disassociate with the whole “woman=carer of children” meme by trying to prove how much that isn’t them because they hate children.

But when people ask about number two, they already have something to go on. Obviously, you don’t hate children, because after all, you had one. And because you like children, you must want more than one, surely? And if you do, why aren’t you doing your womanly duty and “getting yourself pregnant” again?

So yeah, feminist issue. (And, yes, it is also a “bloody rude” issue, too!)

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And there are so many reasons why it’s wrong to ask. And why, sometimes, it really, really hurts.

See, for me, personally, it stings to be asked that, especially at the moment. Because I would love to have more children. I always wanted to have three or four children, actually. But when I had my first, and currently only child, it was hard. Things between me and my then-husband turned sour as soon as my bump appeared and didn’t get any better. But even then, right up until I left him, I still planned to have a second child with him.

Some of you might think that was foolish, that plan; but if anything, it was less foolish than having my first child with him. I knew what he was like, and I knew I’d get little to no support from him, and a lot of grief.  I planned to do things differently; I would create my own support network from friends and on the internet. I wouldn’t have the heartbreak of turning to him in my time of need and being pushed away, because I’d know not to turn to him in the first place.

And if we’d stayed together, it would have been now that we would have been trying. If we’d stayed together, I might be typing a very different post now, one about early pregnancy.

But we didn’t. And much as I don’t miss our relationship, and I am better off emotionally without him, I still grieve that second child that I won’t have, certainly not for a long time, if at all. I try not to think about it too much, but asking that question forces me to think about it, and it hurts.

I’m in a long distance relationship with a woman now; she can’t move over here for at least two years, and even when she does, we’ll not be able to think about having a baby for a while, for reasons of money, studying, career and so on. And when we finally can, it’s a more complicated thing for two woman to have a baby together. Plus I’ll be older, and less fertile (and that’s assuming I’m even fertile now; I could well have secondary infertility and not be aware of it); who knows if I’ll even have another? I want to, and my fiancée wants it too, but wanting isn’t always enough.

And it’s worth it; my fiancée is an amazing woman and I don’t regret leaving my husband for her for a minute. I wouldn’t swap her for a brood of children. But that doesn’t mean I don’t grieve the situation regarding a second child.

So also, by asking that question, you’re asking me to come out to you as queer/bi; you also ask me to justify my decision to leave my husband, even to explain some of the emotionally upsetting things that happened in our relationship.

And that’s just me. There are many, many other reasons why someone who gave birth once, might not either want, or be able to have, another child. It’s incredibly personal, and can be incredibly hurtful.

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And it’s none of your business. It’s my body, it’s my life, and it’s my choice, limited by circumstances though that choice is.

And if you really must ask that question? At least, take “it’s complicated,” or “I’d rather not discuss it” for an answer!

At a La Leche League conference, someone – I think it might even have been the famous Diane Wiessinger herself – was talking about the words mama and papa. She said papa, or dada, with its hard consonants, may have been latin baby speak for “play” or “fun”: pa! pa! pa! da!, like a kind of clapping and excitement. Whereas mama, with its softer sound, she thought was similar baby speak for milk, comfort, nurture, a mixture of a plea and a cry: maaaa! mamamama!, and so on.

Now, I love that La Leche League helps mothers to breastfeed and supports gentle parenting practices. I’m not quite so thrilled that they also seem to reinforce gender role stereotypes and heteronormativity. (Although, in fairness, they do at least put a lot of emphasis on the father supporting the mother and playing his part, which is better than nothing at all. Grateful for small mercies and so on.)

And in that vein, I raised an eyebrow at the mama/papa thing (and my internal bullshitometer lit up too), but I could also see what she meant; it is a common stereotype that the mother is there for nurture and milk and cuddles and comfort; Dad, if there is a present father, is there to throw the baby up into the air, tickle the baby, kick the football around outside with the toddler and so on.

But the thing is, when I lived with my child’s father, I did find our roles going down this route, and to be honest, it did suit my personality. I found that I was much better at the cuddling, the endless rocking and soothing, the humming Scarborough Fair two hundred times before sleep, the nursing, and so on. I enjoyed that. My ex husband was much better at the games and the fun, from peekaboo to silly dancing.

(Please understand: I’m not saying, by the way, “I found myself better at the traditionally female stuff therefore it is true that all women everywhere are better at this and the feminists are wrong!” I’m just talking about where my skills, personally, lay.)

I was happy for this arrangement to continue and for me to take the “mama” role, the nurturing and comforting. I wasn’t, obviously, so happy that “the nurturing role” had to include all the nappy changes, all the getting up in the middle of the night and yet also, somehow include “going out to paid work full time so we can have Lots of Nice Things”. The Second Shift, and the third, and fourth, and the night shift, and the morning shift – taking all these shifts I wasn’t so happy with. But the mama=nurture; papa=play was fine in my house and suited our abilities down to the ground.

And then we split up.

My ex husband still sees our child and has him for regular overnight stays. Despite some misgivings, and missing the little one terribly when he’s not with me, I still believe this is – at least for now – the best option available.

But it has meant I’ve had to learn new skills. I’ve had to learn to be “papa”. And that’s been hard. Acting silly, getting down on the floor and being a climbing frame, running around and shouting with my hands in the air, pretending to be a character from a television show, pulling silly faces, kicking a football around the garden – well, it’s not come easily to me. Maybe it’s because we’re led to believe that playing and silliness is “unladylike” somehow. Maybe it’s just because it doesn’t suit my personality. Maybe it’s a bit of both.

But I’ve had to do it. And the thing is, I think it’s been good for me. I’ve got back in touch with that silly side that disappeared as I grew older and only ever reappeared when I’d had a fair number of real ales! I’ve got down on my hands and knees and crawled around the house pretending to be a French cow called Madame. I’ve run around the supermarket pushing the trolly far too quickly and causing a commotion. I’ve asked random people driving heavy machinery what it is called, and what it does, and I’ve learned that not every lorry that has a barrel on it is an oil tanker by any stretch. And much more.

And I’ve even passed on that nurturing skill via play. My child now puts his teddy bears to bed and carries a doll in a sling.

As my child has grown older, the amount of nurturing time he needs has lessened, and the amount of playtime he’s needed has grown. If me and my ex husband were still together, and we’d kept to our roles, I can imagine I would have found myself spending less time with my child as he grew, and spending time instead tidying and cleaning the house while my child and his father played games outside.

And maybe this is the way that La Leche League thinks it should be, with fathers taking a greater and greater part in their children’s lives as they grow older, and mothers taking a back seat similarly. And I’m sure that works just fine for some families, and might even have worked for ours in different circumstances.

But now, I’m glad the split forced me to learn to be “papa”, too. I look back and I realise I could have lost out on an awful lot if that had carried on. And I still get to nurture and cuddle and sing to and nurse my child, although less often these days.

And, even if only a little bit these days, my ex husband has had to get in touch with his inner “mama”.

NB: this post is for people who are on board with wanting to erase insulting language from their own personal lexicons. If you’re going to argue the toss about “politically correct language ZOMG you won’t be able to say anything soon” – this isn’t the place. This might be a good place to start.

I think some people are just starting to get their head around the fact the language they use sometimes has meanings they didn’t intend.

For example, saying someone is “crazy” to mean that you’re unhappy with the way they’re acting, you think they’re making no sense or they’re being unpleasant is ableist. You’re saying the person is acting like they’re mentally ill, and that to be mentally ill is synonymous with unpleasant and nasty. Which is insulting to people who are mentally ill, usually a specific type of mental illness. (And “crazy” can be a pejorative term all by itself; one thing for mentally ill people to reclaim the term “crazy” – another for people who aren’t mentally ill to use it.)

There’s something I’ve noticed recently, mainly in internet arguments but also “in real life”.

You’re acting like a child!

My two year old makes more sense than you.

You’re behaving like a spoilt brat.

Stop being so childish!

And so on. Thing is – sorry – but this isn’t okay. What they’re trying to say of course is “you’re acting ridiculously/ badly behaved / irrationally / etc.” but by invoking the child, they’re implying children are bad, ridiculous, badly behaved, irrational etc. Spoilt brat and other phrases like that are particularly bad as they’re not only using “child” to mean “bad” but the phrase itself is out and out child hate. (General rule? If it sounds like something an abuser might say to a child? It’s child hate.)

Comparing oppressions is often a bad idea, but if you’re a member of the oppressed group you’re using as a comparison, I think that’s a different kettle of fish. So here goes:

You’re acting like a woman!

My wife makes more sense than you.

You’re behaving like a nasty bitch.

Stop being such a girl!

Do you get what I’m saying now? So can we knock it off? Thanks.

In part one of We are All Alloparents, I looked at why alloparenting was necessary, and in part two, why a world without alloparenting is bad for everyone.

I now want to look at what people who want to help, who want to stick it to the kyriarchy by modelling “how not to abuse privilege” to the next generation, can actually do, on a real, day-to-day level.

But I can’t speak for all parents, obviously. And I certainly can’t speak for children. You know; privileged person speaking on behalf of oppressed group, that doesn’t go down so well. I suppose it is slightly different than other privilege/oppression dichotomy in that I was once a child myself. But it was a long time ago, and as someone who has had many long years of adult privilege, I can’t completely trust myself to put myself back into that way of thinking.

So I’m going to keep this short. A few things I’d like to see, and then turn it over to you. As a parent, how could your life be improved by other alloparents? What would you like?

Here’s my two pence worth:

Understand basic child behaviour. “Tantrums” (or the less demonising “episodes” or “meltdowns”, as I’ve heard them called) are normal. They’re not naughty behaviour, and they don’t need to be dealt with or the child taught a lesson. They’re often a response to over stimulation, or not yet having the emotional ability to cope with disappointment. If you see a child having a tantrum, don’t tut or glare. If anything, it’s this that causes the frazzled parent to feel obliged to discipline, harshy, their child. A sympathetic smile goes a very long way. An offer of help – “do you need a hand?” – even longer. It can be hard to intervene if the parent’s already at the point of shouting.  But even there, walking on by and not staring is better than looking and making the parent feel even more uncomfortable. Meltdowns are normal. High pitched laughing and screaming is normal. Not wanting to be touched or patted on the head is normal. And for heaven’s sake, don’t take it as an insult if a child hides behind Mum when you approach. Saying “aw, is she/he shy?” is just irritating. How’s a mother meant to say “no, s/he’s not shy. Just natural healthy weariness at a stranger approaching”.

Offer to help with non-baby stuff. A new mother often has no shortage of friends and relatives who want to “help” with the baby (carry it, coo over it, cuddle it) but this leaves her, often worn out and exhausted from the birth, doing the drudge work; cooking, cleaning, tidying, washing – while others can claim they were helping. Tidying up, at the very least after yourself after a visit, is a start. Wash the dishes you’ve used. While you’re at the sink, why not wash a few more? Don’t expect to be waited on. You know where the kettle is. Why not bring your own food? A lot of this applies even after the child is out of babyhood. Offering to help with the child is good, don’t get me wrong; but offering to help with housework might be even better. And if you’re offering to take the baby for a bit so a mother can get some more sleep… why not do a quick whizz round the house picking up toys off the floor while you’re doing it? Besides, the government in the UK seems determined to stop informal babysitting arrangements (thanks, UK government, for legislating against alloparenting) so this might be the only way you can go anyway!

There are certain types of “help” that are never good alloparenting. I once had a man think I needed “help” to pull my dress down at the back after putting Bertie up in the sling had made my dress ride up at the back (which I knew, and which I was about to rectify). His help consisted of pulling down my dress without my permission, and in the process, ripping it. Also, I don’t need directing to a “private room” to breastfeed in. No, I’d not feel more comfortable there. Especially not if it’s the disabled toilet, as it often turns out to be. If I’ve chosen to sit down and nurse my child there… I’ve done it because that’s where I want to do it.

Over to you. How could good alloparents make your life easier?

Firstly and most excitingly – Mothers For Women’s Lib now has its very own Twitter account! You can find us on Twitter here.

This was Ruth’s idea, to keep people updated on news to do with the blog and/or forum, and to give people an alternative way of submitting posts for the Carnival of Feminist Parenting. So if you forget to go to the carnival submission page to submit posts and articles for the Carnival, now there’s an even easier way to submit. Just send an @ message (to @m4wl) containing the link to the post (remember it can be yours or someone else’s) that you’d like to see included in the Carnival, and we’ll do the rest.

Also, Mothers For Women’s Lib now has a Facebook fan page which can be found here. Do visit and become a fan, and tell your friends.

Last but not least, we now have a proper domain! You can now find us at www.mothersforwomenslib.com – no need to update feed readers or the like, because the old WordPress domain will still work. Just thought the new domain would be easier to remember, and because I have Plans.

Thanks to everyone who’s submitted posts for the Carnival over the last couple of days, and keep them coming.

Welcome to the September 13 14, 2009 edition of the Carnival of Feminist Parenting. Sorry it’s late, I was finding it hard to type yesterday due to having decapitated my finger with a potato peeler (don’t ask).

There have been precisely two submissions this month which haven’t come from me – three if you count two people suggesting the same piece. The second piece which was suggested seems to have disappeared along with the blog it was posted on, unfortunately. I know I’ve gone on about this before, but it really is getting me down. If there aren’t a decent number of submissions this month, I am considering stopping the Carnival; there doesn’t seem much point in having a Carnival without submissions, and I feel a little like I’m shouting into a void.

That said, there are a lot of posts to look at in this month’s carnival because I’ve been bookmarking all of my own favourites. So here they are, enjoy the carnival – and please, please, if you write or read a post which you like and think would be relevant, submit it!

Annika and Amity both suggested The Incredible Vanishing Woman posted at Noble Savage.

“There is no such thing as Superwoman, or Supermum. We need to lose the martyr image and stop taking it all on for the sake of appearances or because our partners won’t lift a finger or because we think it’s “just what women do.” We should not be complicit in our oppression, in our degradation. The unhappiness,  the depression, the feelings of inadequacy and anger…these are all too common threads in the fabric of mothering. We are people with dreams and desires and needs. We are worthy of respect and authority and autonomy.”

And here are the posts I’ve found around the blogosphere over the past month.

So, What Is Feminist Mothering? posted at Feministe.

“So, “motherhood” is that patriarchal institution, essentially, and “mothering,” especially feminist mothering, is a more active, positive place from which to move.  I like this separation because it allows us to critique societal expectations of mothers without getting to a point where the only way out is to jettison being a mother altogether.  It suggests that, dammit, yes, mothering can be a feminist practice, it can be a creative practice, it can be a liberating practice – an expanding practice, as La Lubu suggests.”

It’s Not About Me also from Feministe.

“If you are an adult in my daughter’s life, know this: it’s not about me. It’s about her. If she comes to you about birth control, help her. Take her to Planned Parenthood. Give her condoms. If it means you have to take her to another state to help her get an abortion, because it’s what she needs and we live in a state with parental notification laws, then take her. Go with her, and hold her hand, and hug her afterwards, and make sure she has someone to talk to. Sure, you can tell her that she can talk to me – you can offer to help her do it. But if she doesn’t want to, if she’s scared or ashamed or just too overwhelmed, that’s OK. It’s more important that she gets what she needs than that I know about it.”

The misogyny of denying milk-making moms mental-health medication at Raising My Boychick.

“This is when, in a sane society, her physician or nurse would nod, draw on hir vast knowledge of and experience with medications appropriate for breastfeeding, and say “No problem, that only rules out a very few classes of drugs, there are lots of things we can try still.” Or, barring that, would reach for the copy of Hale’s zie keeps handy in hir office, or would call one of the many breastfeeding-knowledgeable pharmacists zie keeps on file as references. The woman and the health care provider she employs would then work together to pick a medication most appropriate for her particular situation.

That is not what usually happens. Too often (ever would be too often), the physician, upon hearing said disclosure, automatically replies “I don’t want to give you anything until you wean/terminate breastfeeding/stop doing that.”

There is so much wrong with this situation, I hardly know where to start.”

What timing! ACOG releases asshat statement also at Raising My Boychick.

“To my American hospital-birthing friends: you know this matters to you, whether you wanted food in labor or not, whether you were at an enlightened hospital or not; know also that it matters to me. To my American homebirthing- and birth-center-using-friends: it’s not enough to just escape the system. We aren’t all that lucky (approximately 12% of intended homebirths transfer in labor), and we don’t all want to. The system has to get better for when we need it, for when our sisters need it, for when our sisters want it. To my non-American or non-birthing friends: Birth rights are reproductive rights are human rights. What happens to one of us happens to all. As voz_latina says: “There can be no equality until all women have control over all aspects of our bodies. Birth, transition status, personhood.””

Just like athletics: exploring a childbirth analogy the last one in this edition from Raising My Boychick.

“One of the arguments used against “natural childbirth” is “we don’t allow people to be in pain in any other circumstance: why would we allow women to hurt in birth?” But it simply isn’t true, and the disproof brings me to one of my favorite childbirth analogies: athletics. The metaphor of birth as marathon has certainly been done before, but if you will indulge me, I wish to explore some of the specifically misogynistic implications of this particular assertion using this particular analogy once again.”

‘Inescapable Truths’: Working Mothers posted at Spinning Plates.

“The only objection I can see to women not staying at home with babies is when it comes to breastfeeding as something only women are biologically equipped to do. But even that objection has no substance once you examine it more closely. I agree that breastfeeding is undeniably easier if you don’t have to go straight back to work and deal with the headache of pumping. We are very lucky we have decent maternity leave provisions in the UK which mean many are able to stay at home long enough for their baby to have started some solids which helps. So yes, it is difficult but not impossible. It is a testament to the love and dedication breastfeeding working mothers feel for their children that they are willing to express, dash back to their child at lunchtime for a feed or reverse cycle and feed all night. If workplaces and employers were more flexible and we were able to bring our young babies to work, or we could cross-nurse this would not be an issue. But paid work outside the home and breastfeeding are not mutually exclusive.”

The meaning of beauty: learning to love my body again from Spinning Plates.

“Mirrors. Useful tools in which to check you’ve got your buttons done up before you leave the house, or something to approach with caution and never, ever naked? Where do you sit on the spectrum and if you’ve had a child(ren) has this changed? Once stretchmarks, breast changes, lost muscle tone, altered vagina or cesarean scars are taken into account it is a rare body which is left entirely unchanged by the experience of pregnancy and childbirth. How do we cope with these changes? Ought we to see motherhood as an affliction that has destroyed our bodies, opting to ‘fix’ the ‘damage’ with a ‘mummy tuck’ or gruelling diet and exercise regime?

Or could we view motherhood as an opportunity to reclaim our bodies and selves from the pernicious messages delivered by the media and fashion industries which tell us how to look, what to wear and above all to measure our worth in terms of an unattainable, airbrushed standard of perfection?”

Mental illness and maternity posted at Deccan Herald ‘She’.

“In India, a disabled girl-child is usually at the receiving end of a lot of contempt and neglect. Women with disabilities have been consistently denied their rights. In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court recently allowed a 19-year-old mentally challenged orphan girl to carry on with a pregnancy resulting from a sexual assault. The Punjab and Haryana High Court ruling had earlier ordered medical termination of pregnancy (MTP).”

Transformative Blogging: A Free Write on Pregnancy, Feminism, and the Internet posted at A Womyn’s Ecdysis.

“It has been through pregnancy that I see “Feminism” with new eyes and I see much more red than I ever saw before. Red bias, red intentions, red discrimination, red narrowness…I see red. Reproductive health rights are arrows pointing to the majority of heterosexual, young white women. Sexuality and spirituality are rarely explored as an interlaced relationship. The conferences change names, but still move in their same agenda. “Liberal” and “progressive” are thrown around without much depth and review. Blog wars still flare from time to time, roaming from appropriation to racism, but after a few months of quiet, you’ll still find the same bloggers rowing in the currents of mainstream thought and contributing to US-centric, heteronormative rhetoric that alientates and ostracizes “unpopular” issues like the fact WE ARE STILL AT WAR IN IRAQ, WE ARE NOT A POST-RACE SOCIETY BECAUSE WE HAVE A BI-RACIAL PRESIDENT, and the violence of poverty and rape still choke the life out of womyn everywhere in the world.”

Home births: ‘Buy some black bin liners’ posted at the Guardian.

“The nicest thing was after the birth I could have a bath in my own home, sit on the sofa, and watch TV with a cup of tea,” says Katrina Fox, 29, a full-time mother from Bournemouth who gave birth to her daughter Casia at home eight months ago. She joins a growing number of women who have decided to have a home birth. Though still only accounting for less than 3% of births in the UK, the Office of National Statistics shows there has been an 8% increase in the number of home births since 2006, and this figure is thought to be rising.”

Kids, Sex, & Gender posted at Women’s Glib.

“The other day I was on the playground with my campers, who are going into third grade, and the topic of pregnancy came up. Several of the kids were adopted, as was one of my co-counselors, so conversations about different kinds of families and how they are made had come up before, but never in this much detail.

I suddenly remembered that it is difficult to answer kids’ questions: they are blunt and persistent, having yet to be hushed by what society deems acceptable to discuss in polite company. How do we talk to children about immensely complicated issues, in language that’s simple enough to understand but doesn’t shed necessary intricacies and ambiguities?”

Mr. Mom posted at Shakespeare’s Sister.

“There’s no such thing as a “Mr. Mom.” Yes, I know—but hilarious ’80s movie starring Michael Keaton fighting a rogue vacuum cleaner aside, that role actually has a real name, which is “Dad.” (Or Father, Daddy, Pops, Old Man, Pater Familias, or some other variation thereof.) “Mr. Mom” implies that parenting (and/or cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, etc.) is only something women can do, which is factually incorrect.”

An ass out of you and me posted at The Hand Mirror.

“When people see me out and about with Wriggly they think I’m a stay at home mum, because I’m a woman and he’s little. When people see Wriggly’s dad out and about with him they almost always conclude he’s in paid work and having a day off.

Enlightened societal attitudes to sharing parenting? Nope, not there yet.”

Boy or girl? posted at Wallaby.

“I’ve been out of town supporting some friends while they had a baby.”
“Awwww. Was it a boy or a girl?”

I’ve had a great deal of trouble with this instant reaction. Is that really the most important thing you could think of to ask?

I usually just tell them the assigned sex* and leave it at that. I’ve called a couple of people out on their reaction: “Would you have said the same thing if I’d said [the other sex]?” The answer has always been “yes”, and I’ve been in situations where it hasn’t felt appropriate to go on and point out “well, why ask, then?”

Back To School: Corporal Punishment For Students posted at Womanist Musings.

“In Canada, corporal punishment has long since been outlawed but this is not the case in the United States.  As millions of children return to school they do so with the knowledge that along with new friends and lessons,that the paddle is also awaiting them.  Despite much documented evidence that spanking is bad, adults continue to be violent with children, in the false belief that it encourages them to  alter behaviour that we have deemed unpleasant or dangerous.  I have spoken at length about my own dances with the belt and the trauma that is caused but many today feel that because they were spanked and turned out fine, that violence against children is acceptable.”

Choice posted at PhD in Parenting.

“It is bad enough that the patriarchal society that we live in still limits women’s choices. But it is even worse when one woman looks down on another woman for the choices that she has made. That is why I will not and I cannot support any politician or any group, female or not, that seeks to limit the choices that women have. Especially when they themselves have benefitted from some of the choices that were available to them.”

The Gender Police is still alive and well posted at Viva La Feminista.

“She hasn’t told us so, but her camp counselor told my husband that the boys are teasing her about her hair. “You look like a boy!” is their main chant. This led to a discussion about teasing, boys and gender. Sadly I have to admit that we immediately think “What are those boys’ parents teaching them?” But I quickly recall that gendered expectations are pervasive in our sexist society. Girls|Boys, there is no in between.”

Singing the pink blues posted at Salon.

“At least this year, I thought, there will be no battles over whether Barbie and her wardrobe will inhabit our house, no pop-psych deconstructions of the Little Mermaid trading her voice for a husband. We won’t debate whether Power Rangers provide badly needed female action heroes or equal opportunity violence. It will be all Duplos, Play Doh and Beanie Babies.

But I was wrong.

As we assembled the farm set, we found that the father plugged into a round hole in the driver’s seat of the tractor but the mother — literally a square peg in a round hole — didn’t. And so it began.”

Child’s Play posted at Equally Shared Parenting.

“It’s a silly rhyme – not worth mentioning, right? In the grand scheme of ESP, probably not. But when our kids are subtlely buying into the idea that it’s perfectly normal for moms to do all the caregiving and dads to tune out the family, we’re setting up the next generation to unconsciously act out this age-old inequality (with both parents missing out on a lot of fun).”

Teaching children that domestic violence is bad is…bad? posted at We Mixed Our Drinks.

“Despite the fact that 89 per cent of people who experience repeat incidents of domestic violence are women, despite the fact that two women are killed every week by a male partner or former partner, despite the fact that one in four women will experience domestic violence and that it accounts for between 16 per cent and one quarter of all recorded crime, the Mail reckons schools shouldn’t teach children that it’s wrong, clearly because it’s part of an insidious feminist agenda which wants to see men removed from society altogether.”

In the Box – Gender Roles and Preschool posted by Cutiebootycakes at BlogHer.

“It is fascinating that despite living in a household where gender roles are not defined, this young man has already drawn a clear line in the sand regarding male and female roles. Sitting with my friend I theorized that perhaps he learned this at school. She’d previously described a little girl that claimed her son as “husband” and not only is he tasked with hugging her before leaving on a daily basis but they frequently play together in the kitchen. He sits at the table while she “cooks” him a meal. Again, these stereotypical gender roles are perplexing. All of the children in the class have mothers that work outside of the home and at least 90% are doctors – MD or PhDs. I mention this because these women are in powerful positions and yet the children still buy into the stereotypes.”

The Feminist Stockholm Syndrome & What You Owe Me posted at The Feminist Breeder.

“Somebody please raise your hand and explain to me who will be paying the taxes that will sustain this country if there are no future generations?  I really want to know.  If you think you’re so smart, explain to me who’s going to be wiping your ass at the nursing home, or finding a cure for your Alzheimer’s, or even driving the ambulance when you go into cardiac arrest, if there are no more people being born and taking up these jobs?  Who’s going to pay the taxes into the system that gives you EMTs, and police, and transportation, and Medicaid, and Social Security?  Do you think that when you’re 80, the 80 yr old next to you is going to be doing all these things?  Obviously not.  No, it’s probably going to be a 20-something year old; a child born years and years from now – maybe a child born to my children.  So clearly children are not obsolete. And wouldn’t you rather have healthy, happy children who were taken care of by their mothers/fathers and by society?  Wouldn’t you want the person in charge of curing your cancer to have those few extra IQ points and be in overall good health?   Well, you probably didn’t think that one through too well, did ya?”

Reproductive freedom and racial paranoia: or, why Melanie McDonagh can fuck right off posted at Penny Red.

“To which my response is: fuck. Right. Off. I’m not going to be told when and how and with whom I may breed, by anyone, thanks. My body is mine: it’s not a tool of your crumbling kyriarchy, it’s not a self-replicating node in your future white race, and it’s not a mute block to shore up a class structure contorting in the face of global migration. Fuck off with your misogynist frothings: I’m not anyone’s baby-making machine. I don’t care when I ‘should’ get pregnant. I’ll carry a child when I want, or not at all.”

Spoiling Our Daughters and Raising Our Sons: How We Are Unconsciously Raising Sexist Children posted at Soulbrother v.2.

“I now recognize the fallacy of my ways. And I must begrudgingly admit that there might be some grain of truth in her accusations. I am now actively trying to be more equitable in my treatment of my children. I am now actively trying to raise people—not men or women but people, people who think critically, who act not out of fear but out of rational thought, who are independent and confident in themselves and driven from within.”

And finally, Molly is looking for non-sexist/feminist children’s books over at Feminist Childbirth Studies.

“When we had our baby and started amassing books, I was quite frankly amazed and disturbed at how sexist so many children’s books are. Including books my progressive friends and I remember quite fondly, though vaguely or in gender-ideology-free snippets. Stuff I found myself unable to read aloud with the cheerful, engaging enthusiasm one attempts to inject into even the most exhausted of readings when one hopes to raise a lifelong book-lover. Mrs. Mallard gets the little ducky babies all nice and tidy to meet Dad after his big trip; Daddy drives Mommy and the kids to the grocery store and, wow, Daddy’s such a good driver; always with the pretty-and-nurturing women/girls and strong-and-active men/boys; the sort of repetitive crap that elicits eye-rolling and a sarcastic voice from me. What are feminist bookworm parents to do?”

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That concludes this edition, I really hope you’ve enjoyed it. As I said at the beginning, please please submit your blog article or one you’ve read and loved to the next edition of the Carnival of Feminist Parenting using our carnival submission form. The next edition will be posted on Sunday 11th October 2009 and the submission deadline is Sunday 4th October. Past posts and future hosts can be found on the Carnival home page.

In part one of We Are All Alloparents, I talked about how difficult it can be to get through the day even as a TAB mother of one without the help of alloparents.

I’m very much of the opinion that alloparenting is one of many ways to stick two fingers up at the kyriarchy, and probably a feminist act too.

But why? Why should you care? Especially if you’re not the guardian of a child yourself?

Firstly, I wanted to look at the old “but you chose to have children” card that is often pulled out when guardians of children usually the mother dare to ask not to be discriminated against and possibly even helped because of their childed status.

Two things. First of all, you don’t know whether or not someone actually did choose to have children. Until contraception and abortions are freely available to all who want them, you can’t know for sure if someone really did choose to have a child. (And conversely, you don’t know for sure if someone really has chosen not to have children; they may have, but they also may not have been able to.)

Secondly, so what? So what if I chose to have a child? I also chose to rent my house from a private landlord rather than buy it or rent from a housing association. I still think I’m entitled to protection and rights in law even though it’s a choice. I chose to work part time at the local council; I could have gone onto income support or taken a full time job elsewhere. But I still should be entitled to, for example, union representation, even though I made that choice. Why does something being a “choice” immediately mean “and therefore you have no right to complain ever”?

But it’s not just that. It’s more than that. See, yes, in my case, I did have a choice. But here’s the thing. My child? Another human being? He didn’t have any say in the matter. He came into the world without a choice about it.

Even if you don’t think I’m entitled to any special rights because I made the choice to have a child, surely my child is, as another human being? I mean, children are people too, aren’t they?

And if you give a shit about standing up to kyriarchy at all, then isn’t standing up for someone in an oppressed group (and yes, children are an oppressed group – one day I will write that “adult privilege” checklist) one way of saying no, I’m not going to accept this “rule of masters” thing?

And if you give a shit about feminism at all, isn’t helping out another sister a worthwhile thing to do (and I say sister because it is usually the mother of the child who is in need of the help – usually, although not always)?

But it’s about more than that. It’s about the fact that alloparenting – assisting the parent and child who are struggling – is a great way to model to the next generation that this is what you do. That if people struggle, you don’t make it worse for them; you make it better. That you don’t discriminate against people because they’re acting in a non-kyriarchy approved way. That you don’t kick shit out of an already oppressed group. Aren’t these the lessons we want to impart? What better way then, than modeling those lessons?

And let’s not forget kyriarchy is cruel. And one day those children will become the “masters”. Do we want to be “ruled” by them? Or do we want to break that cycle?

Welcome to the August 16, 2009 edition of the Carnival of Feminist Parenting. Once again there weren’t many non-spam submissions, but never fear as I have been submitting many posts that I’ve found around the blogosphere over the past month, which has bulked the carnival out a little. So let’s get started.

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Jill presents Confronting the Gender Binary posted at Imagine Today.

“I was at the glitter station with my assistant, supervising the kids adding some sparkle to their collages when one kid decided he’d rather have some glitter on himself, specifically his pants. I was just about to say something in response to his exclamation of the phrase “Glitter Pants!” and subsequent sprinkling of glitter onto his pants when a parent volunteer who happened to be walking by beat me to the punch –

“Don’t do that,” she exclaimed, “you look like a girl!“

Out of all the possible responses she could have chosen she had to choose the one that places a (negative) value judgment on being a girl. Rather than learning that messing around with the glitter made a big mess and was annoying to all of the adults involved, what the kid took away from this exchange was that something he wanted to do (in this case, wearing glittery pants) was wrong not because it made a mess, but because it was somehow feminine.“

Ama Lee presents Personal Politics: An Interview with Rebecca Walker posted at Feminist Review.

“One Big Happy Family is for you, your neighbors, the Supreme Court, and your uncle Robert. It’s for anyone doing family differently than the way it’s done on TV or at their grandmother’s house. It’s for people who are making up their version of family as they go along, following love and their own longing for connection. One Big Happy Family is for those who refuse to let love be defined by anything other than the truth of its existence. It’s a kind of Dr. Spock for the millions of people living life off the nuclear, hetero-normative grid.”

Amy Sedgwick presents What does pride mean to you? posted at Red Tent Sisters.

“As I glance across the room at this new family unit celebrating mother’s day for the first time, a wave of deep gratitude comes over me that we live in a city and country that has allowed these three people, whom I adore, to choose each other and to love each other, as they are meant to. I then look at my daughter, who, in great part due to Anya and Tara, has fluid ideas about love, family, sexual orientation, and choice. And my heart swells with pride. When it comes to LGBTQ rights, we may have a long way to go, but I am infinitely grateful for how far we have already come.”

Gena presents Girly gamers posted at Deadly Stealth Frogs.

“The article touched a nerve with me, mostly because I have an eleven year-old daughter who has blossomed into quite the gamer geek.  Her favorite games right now are Super Smash Bros. Brawl, one of the Pokemon games (I don’t remember which one since there are about a dozen of them) and Pikmin.  Most of her friends play at least one of these games as well, which leads to the question: why is there a need for video games marketed directly to young girls, and why must they involve the most lamest of themes? Over a third of gamers identify themselves as female, clearly this is not a reluctant market desperately in need of tapping.  Are there really a few girls or women out there who are thinking to themselves “Gee, I’d really like to get into this video gaming trend, but there are so few games out there that appeal to what really interests me–clothes and makeup!” If that’s the case, please identify yourselves so that you may be actively avoided by the rest of polite society.”

Three from Ellen Keim at Femagination – The Feminist Imagination Blog:

What I’ve Learned About Being a Mother

“4. If you are yourself, you will embarrass your children. If you try to act like them, you will embarrass your children. No matter what you do, you embarrass your children.
5. Keep a detailed journal. Your stories will never jibe with your children’s versions and it’s good to have proof.
6. You will not have time to keep a journal.
10. You will never again be lonely. Or alone. Even in the bathroom.“

Why More Mothers Aren’t Feminists

“These reasons why mothers aren’t feminists fall into two main categories: insecurities about themselves and their children’s futures and a feeling that feminists are not interested in their fate. The ironic thing is, the majority of women who start out as feminists end up being mothers. What happens to their feminist ideology and identity then? Is it like losing your religion? Can’t you be a card-carrying feminist and a mother, too? We need to hear more from those mothers and childless feminists need to give more thought to their own futures. Even if they don’t want to have children, what kind of lives do they want for their “sisters” who do?”

Taking Motherhood Seriously

“One thing that feminism has achieved has been a universalizing of the importance of parenthood. Fathers have benefited from the privileges that women have been awarded. Time off for new parenthood is now available to both sexes. (Even though, in most instances, it is not paid time off—America’s record in this area is abysmal compared to other countries.) Ideally, both sexes would always benefit from things like quality and affordable day care, decent pay, flexible hours, and family leave. But as long as women are the primary caregivers—not just of children, but of the ill and the elderly as well—they deserve special dispensations that men may not get. If we’re not going to pay mothers for the services they provide, then let’s at least take them seriously and give them what they need to do the job.”

Molly presents breastfeeding, sexism, and feminism posted at Feminist Childbirth Studies.

“The point is that it seems easy to miss the forest for the trees here. Breastfeeding can end up contributing to resentment and being stuck in an unwanted domestic role because caregiving is gendered feminine and wildly undervalued in our society, and because we live in a capitalist culture that doesn’t give a shit about people, and because our culture tells us that pregnant women and mothers are public property and can be guilt-tripped, judged, and corrected by whomever pleases (and therefore often make ‘choices’ in a social context that undermines genuine and confident decision-making), and because a lot of people are grossed out by the idea of a woman feeding her child from her breast in public, rather than because of anything inherent to breastfeeding itself. All of that crap is what’s “antifeminist”–not breastfeeding itself.”

And, as seems to be the tradition with this carnival so far, a whole bunch of submissions from me:

Is a Woman in Labor a “Person”? New Assaults on Pregnant Women’s Civil Rights in a NJ Case posted at Huffington Post.

“In the case, New Jersey Division of Youth and Family Services v. V.M. and B.G., the New Jersey appellate court found that V.M. and B.G. had abused and neglected their child, based on the fact that the mother, V.M., refused to consent to a cesarean section and behaved erratically while in labor. The mother gave birth vaginally without incident, and the baby was “in good medical condition.” Then she was never returned to her parents, and the judge in the case approved a plan to terminate their parental rights and give custody of the child to foster parents. What, beyond the obvious, is wrong with this picture?”

Pregnant Women As Incubators posted at Kittywampus.

“If we start forcibly hospitalizing expectant mothers who smoke, we’re going to need to expand hospitals like we’ve expanded prisons. That’s going to be interesting when pandemic flu drives up the demand for beds. What will we say? “There’s no room in the hospital. We’re full up with pregnant smokers.”

I’ve been following the debates over “fetal rights” for almost 20 years now, and this case is one of the scariest yet. If pregnant women were treated like Samantha Burton, they’d routinely be reduced to mere incubators. The people-growing pods from The Matrix look positively benign by comparison.”

Is Feminist Motherhood An Oxymoron? posted at Single Spaced.

“The fact that I have never been able to coalesce my ideas as a feminist and my ideas as a mom has really driven home the point of how necessary it is to be a consciously feminist parent. This definitely also speaks to the feeling that feminism largely ignores issues that mothers face. The truth of the matter is, mothers are devalued in every practical sense in American culture, and mothers of color are often demonized. The “Mommy Wars” still have lots of pull in the media and there are still books coming out on both sides women who actually have a choice between working or staying at home — NOW, say, thirty years after second wave feminism. Also of note: when a white mom doesn’t work and raises her children all day, she’s being a good mom, but when a brown mom does the same, she’s lazy and neglectful.”

That Thing Shall Not Be Mentioned posted at Rosie Land.

“As time has passed (both boys are now almost at school age) I realise that the more people I talk to, the more similar situations appear. Many mothers appear to be immediatley excluded as ‘viable candidates’ by recruiters or mothers have somewhat changed their goals and no longer want what they wanted prior to having kids.

The only options many of us mummies have is to go it alone or opt for unchallenging minimum wage work that doesn’t even cover childcare costs…what’s the point in that? You may as well take it easier and have the opportunity to see your kids grow up.

Some of us desperately try to hide our maternity gaps in our CVs. Others are blatantly stubborn and proud and mark out these lovely times in bold.

It’s a really shame that it happens. (And I could go on…) The disappointing part is that no one seems to talk about it. Many people see blatant discrimination happen, but choose to stay quiet. I’ve been mostly quiet – till now of course!”

De-Feminizing the Decision to Work posted at Equally Shared Parenting.

“It’s a brave new gender-bending world!

But yet, it isn’t. Even with these role switches becoming more common, the questions our culture asks women are still built on old assumptions. Will she work or stay home? Does she work because she wants to or because she has to? Can she find a job that gives her enough flexibility now that she’s a mother? We don’t ask these questions of men – still. Even as men are being laid off at rates far exceeding women’s lay-offs, our culture still considers the work/life puzzle to be mainly one that a woman must try to solve – either by finding a way to stay in the workforce full-time, downsizing her career, or staying home. All while society expects a man to march on in his usual breadwinning mission…until some outside force (maybe a lay-off, or perhaps the overwhelming logic of a wife with a far bigger paycheck) stops him.”

Why Can’t Boys Wear (Insert Color Here)? posted at Stop, Drop and Blog.

“When he came home from school on Thursday, I asked him if everyone in his class wore purple. He said, “No, just K.” (I also know that another girl had purple on but it wasn’t a “true” purple, more of a fuchsia, so it may have confused him.) Some background info about his class: three girls, eight boys. And, so, similar to last month, he was the only boy sporting the color of the month.

This drives me somewhat insane.

Why do we need to teach boys as young as three that they can’t wear certain colors? Why do we need them to be macho at such a young age? Should I have dressed him in navy blue and sent him to school grunting instead? Thankfully it sounds like no teasing occurred. But will it next year (he’ll be in the same class)? Or the following year when he moves up to the older class? When will he learn from other kids that “real men” don’t wear pink?”

Slap Fighting the Pink Posse posted at Pacing The Panic Room.

“People have asked, “what’s so incredible about not knowing? It seems stupid not to be prepared.” and I would always follow that up with, “prepared for what?” and the closest thing I ever received as an answer (beyond dying from curiosity), was so that we knew what color of clothes to buy for the child. Really!? Now, I promise I don’t mean this in any nasty offensive mean-spirited way, but that’s a pretty fucking stupid reason for finding out the sex of the baby. Honestly. But hey- that’s just me. I know that it’s vitally important to some people, and we are all different kinds of crazy and neurotic so I’m not judging anyone’s brand of lunacy, just laying mine out there and stating that I thought it was kind of absurd. What it did do, was get me thinking, and opened up many a discussion about gender roles and all of the things that we did not want to do to this baby, whether it be a boy or a girl. We started a kind of mental punch list of things that we would not project onto the baby, specifically Cole and I really opened up about how we felt about everything from the wearing of pink on girls – to boys being given footballs and jerseys before they could even hold their heads up. And it was made very clear how I felt about dressing little baby girls in ridiculous frilly foo-foo fairy princess clothes. I flat out forbid it. I don’t want it in our house, I do not want her to ever think that she is supposed to wear these things or she is weird. I am quite aware as she gets older, and develops tastes, and wants, and interests of her own that I will most likely have to endure some type of fairy princess phase, and I am fine with that. I will shower her with whatever kind of ridiculous play or fantasy that she wants to engage in. However just like I wont be cramming religion down her throat when she’s 2, I’m not filling her room with lace and fluff and painting the walls pink until the days comes that she requests it.”

Pregnancy and Body Image posted at BlogHer.

“I recognize that irony is at work here: almost every single issue of these magazines features photos of celebrities that are criticized for their bodies’ sizes. So while I’m hustling to keep my weight within a healthy range, there’s nothing like seeing a picture of thin Eva Langoria in Us telling people that she’s not pregnant, “just fat,” now that she has a barely detectable belly bulge. In that same issue, Us blasted the exceptionally thin female stars of the new 90210 show for being dangerously thin. What seems to be acceptable these days is a fine line – I think women are permitted to be a designer size 2 or 4 (which runs smaller than the size 2 or 4 you or I might find in a place like Ann Taylor or Wal-Mart), but certainly not below that and absolutely, under no circumstances, should they dare be above it. Is it any wonder that women and girls of all ages have severe body issues?

The one group of women I always hope are extra-exempt from these ridiculous expectations are pregnant women. It’s bad enough that “mainstream” society expects women to be belly-less, hip-less, butt-less, and thigh-less (with standards of beauty varying among different cultures, but often no more attainable for the average woman), but no one would hold a pregnant woman to these standards, right? Wrong. In August, several media outlets ran headlines about the widespread phenomena about women who refuse to gain weight during pregnancy.”

More Than a Traumatic Birth posted at TrueBirth.

“Childbirth is regarded as the most painful episode of a woman’s life, but also the most joyful. When women speak of a traumatic birth experience, most assume it to be an extremely painful event, or that something necessitated an emergency situation. For some, that is all the traumatic event is; 12 hours of tortuous labor with a supportive person by their side. Or a drop in the baby’s heart rate that sends everyone scrambling to get him out before he’s harmed. But for some, the traumatic event goes much deeper.

Sometimes women are held down while pleading to be let go; having vaginal exams forced on them; and their waters broken without giving consent. Some women call this Birth Rape, because it can be such a violent act that centers on their genitals, without their permission. The term is shocking, and upon hearing the stories of these women who have been assaulted, it is accurate.”

Dana’s Take: Not Just a Girl posted at Green Pixels.

“But I do know that as the parent of a daughter, I’ll be actively steering her away from games like this once she’s old enough to start playing them. Frankly, I find all the pink and shiny and rhinestone action combined with shopping and makeup and hair-centric activities pretty repulsive — I feel like it reinforces this unhealthy emphasis on external appearances and consumption being of the utmost importance. Lord help me if she comes to me and wants to play them.

Hopefully, however, if I’m giving her a steady stream of fun games to play — games like Mario Kart and Lego Star Wars and Flower and Viva Pinata — she won’t be running for the shopping simulators. As Amanda pointed out to me, those games may get tween girls playing games, but it’s not going to turn them into gamers. If this genre is all they know, then once they outgrow it, they’ll quit playing altogether. Girls who grow up playing “real” games, on the other hand, will be more likely to keep gaming.“

Can You Be a Feminist At-Home Mom? posted at Eclectic Muddlehood.

“Women need to begin paying close attention to this concept.  We need to actually choose.  And, pardon the terribly corny cultural reference, choose wisely.  In my opinion, a feminist is a self-aware woman.  A feminist is a woman who has taken the time to be introspective, to examine her core values carefully and make mindful choices that allow her to live her truth on a daily basis and support those who do the same.  What does this woman look like?  She comes in countelss varieties.  She may look like a career woman who has decided that the calling she feels to her work outside the home is the best way to honor her true self and set a powerful example for her children about following their dreams.  She may look like an at-home mother who feels that her true self is found in her devotion to the daily growth and development of her children.  She may be an atheist.  She may be a Biblical Christian.  She may be an ardent liberal.  She may be a staunch conservative.  She may forego politics altogether.  She may cook a four course meal for her family every night.  She may be on a first name basis with the take out delivery person.   She may have no children at all.  She may have twenty.  If she has consciously chosen her path, believes she is honoring her calling in life with all her heart and is striving to mindfully live her truth to the best of her ability every day of her life, then in my book– she’s a feminist.”

Tragic Loss of AZ State Treasurer’s Wife and Newborn Son Brings Home Reality of Maternal Mortality posted by Kristin Davis at Empowher.

“Nearly 600 women in the US die in childbirth each year. Back in the 1980’s and 90’s, maternal mortality was at a steady rate of 7 to 8 deaths for every 100,000 live births. According to the CDC, this rate increased to 12 to13 maternal deaths for every 100,000 live births in 2004. This rise of maternal deaths could correlate with the fact that more women are having children later in life, as well as the fact that there are more births by C-section which involve more risks.

Doctors don’t like to talk about losing patients, and the risk of dying while giving birth is an especially scary topic that is most often avoided. When Arizona State Treasurer Dean Martin publicly announced the death of his wife and newborn son just a couple of hours ago, he did not touch on the cause of their deaths. Instead, he mentioned that what had happened with his wife and son during the birth was a rare occurrence and that expectant women shouldn’t be worried. But with our country’s maternal death rate increasing, it would appear that we should be worried. And talking about it.”

Why boys don’t wear pink, and why girls do posted at Hobo Mama.

“I’m going to agree with the idea that gender is much more complicated than just clothing since it’s so bound up in all things cultural. Colors and styles can’t have an innate and immutable meaning or there would not be such variation across cultures and over time (long hair perfect for men vs. short hair the only legitimate option, white for mourning vs. white for weddings, makeup for everyone vs. only for women, etc.) Instead, we learn the rules in a hundred different ways, starting from that first appropriately hued blanket wrapped around us at birth. At least within my own (sub)culture, there are also religious aspects to how we raise our children to be acceptably gendered, and then there are just routine and unexamined aspects. We reach for the blue romper for the boy without questioning, and we coo over the dress with the pink flowers for the girl.”

Some Cautious *Good* News on Forced Cesareans posted at Kittywampus.

“Harding notes that the appellate court did uphold termination of V.M.’s parental rights, and that this would likely not have happened if her refusal of a c-section hadn’t already been framed as negligence and triggered scrutiny by the state. But once V.M. and B.G. were in the system, no court could ignore evidence of their unfitness. The couple failed to show up for a custody hearing, a psychologist was allegedly assaulted during a home visit, and another psychiatrist eventually found V.M. to be suffering from paranoid schizophrenia for which she refused medication. For these reasons, the appellate court ruled that the baby belonged in foster care. Harding is agnostic about whether the higher court decided correctly, and I agree that we don’t know enough to judge the case, ourselves.

But reporters and bloggers need to acknowledge that this case isn’t solely about forced cesareans. In our zeal to defend reproductive rights, it doesn’t help to fudge the facts. We can condemn the doctors and the lower court for violating V.M.’s basic right to bodily integrity and autonomy. At the same time, we can and should celebrate the appellate court’s clear judgment, which reaffirms that women enjoy those basic rights  – even when they’re pregnant.”

It takes a village to raise a child posted at PhD in Parenting.

“I hear a lot of people say, I couldn’t possibly do attachment parenting because I’m a working mom or I couldn’t possibly do attachment parenting because I have to use day care. I don’t think that is true at all. For me personally, the fact that I am a working mom makes me feel it is even more important to practice attachment parenting because it makes it easier to create the strong bond I want to have with my children despite the fact that I have less time with them than a stay at home mom does.

But, I couldn’t be an attached mom if it was all on my shoulders. I think when people practicing attachment parenting get burned out, it is because they are trying to do too much alone. It takes some work to create a village, especially in our very nuclear family based society. But I think it is worth it in the end. If you don’t have family nearby, seek out friends that can be part of your village.”

An apology to my present self from the former posted at Noble Savage.

“I didn’t know that I didn’t have to be a complete douchebag to be a parent. I also didn’t realise just how hard it is. “Controlling” a child is a completely laughable and utterly stupid expression. I should no more assume I can control my child than I can control my husband, or him me. Children are people, fully fledged human beings with feelings, thoughts and impulses and they are LEARNING. They are learning and exploring and testing and growing and we should be there just to make sure they don’t kill themselves or someone else in the process. When’s the last time mass chaos, murder and mayhem erupted from an incidence of running in a library for three minutes? Where is the erosion of society’s moral fabric in something so demonic as singing loudly in a grocery store? Isn’t it silly, all these expectations and pressure we place not only on parents to control but on children, to be controllable?

So, Former Self, get off your high-horse, you impetuous, stupid, arrogant girl. And next time you see a kid running in public, his mother charging around behind trying to “control” the situation while you stare and tut, give yourself a punch in the face and then get up off your imperious ass and go give her a hand. At the very least, stick a leg out so the kid trips and she can catch him.”

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