Writer would like to talk to lesbian couples with children about their expectations of parenting – and the reality

How did you expect to manage the childcare in your household before you had children? And how has it worked out? How do you combine looking after children with the other things in your life? Are you happy with the amount of childcare that you do or do you feel that you do more than your fair share – or too little?

I am writing a book for the Random House imprint, Harvill Secker, about how parents balance raising children with other aspects of their lives; how child care is shared between parents; and the extent to which this has changed in recent decades. I have been speaking to parents around the UK about these issues and I would be delighted to hear from you if you would like to find out more.  It would involve a chat on the phone and what I write will not identify you. I am a professional journalist with over fifteen years’ experience and am happy to answer any questions you might have.

Please email me at rebecca DOT asher AT hotmail DOT co DOT uk with your contact details and I will get in touch. I do hope to hear from you soon.

Pregnancy and Birth

• In Media Coverage of Burton v. State of Florida, The Unnecesarean writes about the case of a woman who is fighting the court order which confined her to involuntary bed rest during her pregnancy.
• Lauredhel talks about That Homebirth Study in South Australia, and how the data has been skewed by the obstetric community to mean something totally different to what it actually says.
• In When will the police come knocking?, Renegade Parent tells us about the hospital who sent the police to a woman’s house after she didn’t turn up for the induction she didn’t want.
• In The system is broken if it doesn’t leave people whole – Part 1, Kenzie writes about the medical model of childbirth – I’d recommend browsing her blog for parts two, three and four as well.
• The blog Don’t Get Me Started has a wonderfully angry post titled Chop Shop, talking about what she sees in obstetric wards and why she would choose home birth.

Breastfeeding

• In Covering up is a feminist issue, PhDinParenting writes about the insistence by certain people that breastfeeding mothers ‘cover up’, and why this is an issue for all feminists, not just mothers.

Adoption

• Skylanda writes On the fetish-ization of Haitian orphans, talking about the problematic sudden surge of white would-be adopters of Haitian ‘orphans’ and the problems with orphanages.
• In Want to adopt a Haitian orphan? WAIT!,Veronica talks about the ten white USians who have been arrested for child trafficking out of Haiti, covering many of the same ideas.
• In The Dangerous Desire to Adopt Haitian Babies, Atlasien writes about her opinions as ‘a foster care adoptive parent’, on the topic of international adoption and specifically adoption from Haiti.

Education

• Ashley writes Female Students, Female Teachers, and Math Anxiety ? Oh My!, about the study that appears to show that girls learn maths anxiety from female teachers, and how this isn’t necessarily the case.
• In The Hands On Museum, Michelle Bell writes about her experience taking a young friend to the Ann Arbour Hands On Museum.
• In Wow, so Anne Frank was a girl?, BitcoDavid talks about the worrying news that the Diary Of Anne Frank has been banned in one Virginia school because of ‘sexual content’.

Sex Education

• In Get your hands off my daughter Tony Abbot (or what I will tell my child about virginity), Spilt Milk writes a beautiful letter to her daughter about her body, sex and virginity.
• Meloukhia asks that we Give Teens With Disabilities Access to Sexual Education, talking about the denial of sex education to teenagers with disabilities, reminding us that PWD have sexual feelings too.
• In The virgin diary, or: What Tony Abbott should have said to his teenage girls, Muliercula covers the same topic as Spilt Milk above, talking about Tony Abbott’s worrying opinions regarding virginity.
• Thomas writes It’s The Ears, talking about the ‘jokes’ other fathers make about their daughters’ virginity and his own response to them.

Disability

• In Do you REALLY trust women? AmandaW talks about the problematic lack of intersection between disabled rights and the pro-choice movement, specifically the problems with disabled parenthood/childhood.

Violence Against Women

• Marcella Chester writes about the Research On Link Between Pregnancy Coercion And Relationship Abuse, and talks about the lack of education on domestic violence when sexually educating teens.
• Cara has a heartbreaking post titled Court Ignores Man’s Domestic Violence Prior to Murder-Suicide, bringing us news of a man who killed himself and his infant son despite the child’s mother warning police of his violent tendencies.

Race

• Blue Milk writes Sunny, with a chance of racism, explaining an incident of racism her four-year-old had with one of her friends at the swimming pool.
• Laura Woodhouse has a piece titled Asylum seeker mothers fight to be reunited with their children, writing about asylum seeker mothers who have had to leave their children in their country of origin and are fighting for their right to join them in the UK.
• Tami asks Is a diverse environment enough to inoculate against racism?, with a post about trying to raise anti-racist children.
• The Independent on Sunday has an article titled Detaining children in Britain: No place for the innocent, about the horrible treatment of asylum seekers and in particular, their children.

Body Image

• Levi Pulkkinen has an article titled Charge: Parents didn’t want ‘fat’ baby, so they starved her, about parents so concerned about their infant daughter becoming obese that they starved her to the point of emaciation.

Gender Stereotypes

• Gina Crosley-Corcoran writes about her experience of her attempts at Raising an Equality-Minded Male, and asks her readers how they are attempting to do the same.
• Victoria Brooke Rodrigues says I feel neutral about gender-neutral parenting, with a post about the difficulties she’s had even from before her son was born in raising him outside of gender stereotypes.
• Mistress Mom writes a fabulous list of answers to the question “Why is your son wearing pink?“

Natural Parenting

• Woman, Uncensored has a post titled “Just let her cry” drawing a parallel between the ‘cry it out’ parenting method and what we’d think if someone treated a sick or disabled adult in the same way.

Mothers’ and Children’s Rights

• Stef has written a thoughtful and poignant list of 10 things you should never say to a stepmother.
• In Intersecting Needs: Maslow, interdependence, parenting, caregiving, relationships, PhDinParenting writes about the intersections between a child’s needs and a mother’s needs, and how to find a balance.
• In today’s kids… Boheime writes about how the children of today aren’t different but the society around them is, and why that’s actually a good thing.

Teaching Equality

• In Quantity time, Spilt Milk writes about how doing the ‘boring bits’ of parenting can be just as important for bonding with your child as doing the ‘fun bits’ is.
• Horry reminds us that Some mothers actually like bacon sandwiches, talking about her experiences of being a working mother and how that differs in people’s perceptions from being a working father.
• In Voices Of Men, CJ talks about how we teach our children, both male and female, about domestic violence.

That concludes this edition of the Carnival of Feminist Parenting. The next edition will be Sunday 14th March with a submission deadline of Sunday 7th March. Submit your (or someone else’s) blog article to the next edition by using our carnival submission form or sending the URL in an @ reply to @m4wl on Twitter. Past posts and future hosts can be found on our blog carnival home page.

Reproductive Freedom

• Quixote kicks us off with a post spurred by the USian Stupak Amendment, explaining why abortion rights are so important, and discussing the implications of the removal of bodily autonomy.

• Robin Marty asks Will the Stupak Amendment Affect Insurance Coverage for Miscarriages? talking about the consequences of removing health cover for abortions, and how that will affect women having miscarriages.

• Sungold writes about how the Stupak Amendment hurts women’s health, considering the health risks of pregnancy and childbirth, and the need for women to be able to choose to take those risks.

• Linda Keenan asks Why are Mothers of Many Irked By Parents Who Are “One and Done?” examining the behaviour of people who feel it is their right to poke at the personal lives of others.

Education

• Deborah writes No sex please – we’re Catholic, talking about the Catholic church’s opposition to full and proper sex education in schools.

Children’s Rights and Mothers’ Rights

• Amanda Marcotte writes about the ten-year-old girl who was Tasered for not taking a shower and considers the reasons that society, particular right wing parts of it in particular, oppose children’s personhood.

• Renegade Parent has a post titled What? taking apart an article by a person complaining about children on aeroplanes, and talking about the wider ideas behind children’s rights.

• Lynn Harris writes about how everybody hates mommy, discussing society’s apparent hatred of children and parents, and especially of mothers.

Birth

• Sarah Clark writes a post examining the Pretty Pushers “A Dressed Up Delivery” Gift Set, a sort of ‘birthing beauty kit’, and talks about why it’s ridiculous and unnecessary.

• Spilt Milk had a comment from the owner/creator of ‘Pretty Pushers’ and writes back to her explaining to her exactly how and why her product is problematic.

• Logan Murphy wrote an article about the AZ woman who was forced to give birth in shackles by Sheriff Arpaio, who then ordered the baby to be taken away from its mother. Horrifying stuff, but sadly not rare.

• Jill has a post about Criticizing Birth, talking about some of the reactions to the recent ‘internet live birth’ and asking that people lay off the judgement when it comes to other women’s births.

• Sarah has a post called You Were Raped, But Let’s Talk About My Sex Life, discussing birth rape/trauma denial, and setting out some tips for people engaging with someone who has experienced it.

• Kenzie reminds us not to forget who actually delivers the baby, following a news report about a “super fast unintended homebirth” which talks about the two men who ‘delivered the baby’ with no mention of the mother.

News and Media

• Katy Wingrove writes about her trip to Thailand, discussing how “the media pervades”, after seeing children in a small village wearing Disney princess and Hello Kitty clothing.

• Morra Aarons Mele has a post up about the case of Alexis Hutchinson, “the 21 year old Army Specialist who did not show up for her deployment to Afghanistan because she had no one to care for her 10 month old baby”.

Books

• Veronica has written a review of Pink Brain, Blue Brain by Lise Eliot, a new book which explores “a much debated issue – are girls and boys fundamentally different?”

• Viv Groskop has an article in the Guardian about feminist books for five-year-olds, talking about her ‘stereotyping intervention’ and reviewing some children’s books with verdicts from her son and daughter.

• An ‘Other’ Mother wrote A Feminist Review of Parenting Literature, lamenting “the lack of useful feminist parenting books” and taking a look at what’s on offer.

Race

• Cheryl Lynn writes A Girl Like Me, inspired by the video of the same name. She explores her own childhood fascination with white dolls despite being a child of colour, and the implications of this.

Gender Stereotyping

• May Carolan writes about the Emergency Learning Emergency, discussing the ELC’s insistence on gender stereotyping and ‘pinkification’ of toys, and calling for a boycott.

• Gwen writes about a toy website which shows girls playing with ‘boys’ toys, discussing why these images are surprising and questioning why there are no similar images of boys ‘transgressing gender’.

• Ariane has a post asking why relationships don’t matter for boys, inspired by a recent article about bullying, and discusses the different ways boys and girls are taught to deal with their problems.

• Jennifer Holladay has a post titled Gender in the Fast Lane where she talks about Burger King’s gender stereotyping with the toys included in their children’s meals.

Body Image and Sexualisation

• Noble Savage tells us why the sexualisation of girls hurts boys, too, explaining why raising children in a feminist manner is just as important if you have sons as it is if you have daughters.

• PBS Parents has an article about Raising a Girl With a Positive Body Image, giving some ideas for instilling positive body image in girls and teaching them to challenge what the media is telling them they should look like.

Disability

• Renee Martin writes about how Disableism Impacts Families, sharing her personal experience of disableism and how that has an affect on her ability to mother her sons.

Feminist Parenting

• An ‘Other’ Mother asks What is feminist parenting?, an excerpt from a paper she’s writing, resulting in “a list of characteristics, values, and behaviors found in families that practice feminist parenting.”

• Lauren talks about Raising a Progressive-Minded Kid, explaining the ways in which she finds teachable moments to raise her son to think progressively.

• Blue Milk shows her readers some photographs of a few modifications she made to her baby’s Little Mermaid play mat, with some ideas from her daughter.

• And finally, Craphead (yes, that’s really her screen name!) has a post titled None of your beeswax, including a list of questions one should never, ever ask a mother.

That concludes this edition of the Carnival of Feminist Parenting – I really hope you enjoyed it! Please don’t forget to submit your own posts, or those you’ve loved by others, using our carnival submission form or by sending the link in a Twitter reply to @m4wl.

The next edition will be on Sunday 17th January 2010, and the submission deadline for that edition will be Sunday 10th January. Past posts and future hosts can be found on our carnival home page.

I think some people are just starting to get their head around the fact the language they use sometimes has meanings they didn’t intend.

For example, saying someone is “crazy” to mean that you’re unhappy with the way they’re acting, you think they’re making no sense or they’re being unpleasant is ableist. You’re saying the person is acting like they’re mentally ill, and that to be mentally ill is synonymous with unpleasant and nasty. Which is insulting to people who are mentally ill, usually a specific type of mental illness. (And “crazy” can be a pejorative term all by itself; one thing for mentally ill people to reclaim the term “crazy” – another for people who aren’t mentally ill to use it.)

There’s something I’ve noticed recently, mainly in internet arguments but also “in real life”.

You’re acting like a child!

My two year old makes more sense than you.

You’re behaving like a spoilt brat.

Stop being so childish!

And so on. Thing is – sorry – but this isn’t okay. What they’re trying to say of course is “you’re acting ridiculously/ badly behaved / irrationally / etc.” but by invoking the child, they’re implying children are bad, ridiculous, badly behaved, irrational etc. Spoilt brat and other phrases like that are particularly bad as they’re not only using “child” to mean “bad” but the phrase itself is out and out child hate. (General rule? If it sounds like something an abuser might say to a child? It’s child hate.)

Comparing oppressions is often a bad idea, but if you’re a member of the oppressed group you’re using as a comparison, I think that’s a different kettle of fish. So here goes:

You’re acting like a woman!

My wife makes more sense than you.

You’re behaving like a nasty bitch.

Stop being such a girl!

Do you get what I’m saying now? So can we knock it off? Thanks.

I’m very much of the opinion that alloparenting is one of many ways to stick two fingers up at the kyriarchy, and probably a feminist act too.

But why? Why should you care? Especially if you’re not the guardian of a child yourself?

Firstly, I wanted to look at the old “but you chose to have children” card that is often pulled out when guardians of children usually the mother dare to ask not to be discriminated against and possibly even helped because of their childed status.

Two things. First of all, you don’t know whether or not someone actually did choose to have children. Until contraception and abortions are freely available to all who want them, you can’t know for sure if someone really did choose to have a child. (And conversely, you don’t know for sure if someone really has chosen not to have children; they may have, but they also may not have been able to.)

Secondly, so what? So what if I chose to have a child? I also chose to rent my house from a private landlord rather than buy it or rent from a housing association. I still think I’m entitled to protection and rights in law even though it’s a choice. I chose to work part time at the local council; I could have gone onto income support or taken a full time job elsewhere. But I still should be entitled to, for example, union representation, even though I made that choice. Why does something being a “choice” immediately mean “and therefore you have no right to complain ever”?

But it’s not just that. It’s more than that. See, yes, in my case, I did have a choice. But here’s the thing. My child? Another human being? He didn’t have any say in the matter. He came into the world without a choice about it.

Even if you don’t think I’m entitled to any special rights because I made the choice to have a child, surely my child is, as another human being? I mean, children are people too, aren’t they?

And if you give a shit about standing up to kyriarchy at all, then isn’t standing up for someone in an oppressed group (and yes, children are an oppressed group – one day I will write that “adult privilege” checklist) one way of saying no, I’m not going to accept this “rule of masters” thing?

And if you give a shit about feminism at all, isn’t helping out another sister a worthwhile thing to do (and I say sister because it is usually the mother of the child who is in need of the help – usually, although not always)?

But it’s about more than that. It’s about the fact that alloparenting – assisting the parent and child who are struggling – is a great way to model to the next generation that this is what you do. That if people struggle, you don’t make it worse for them; you make it better. That you don’t discriminate against people because they’re acting in a non-kyriarchy approved way. That you don’t kick shit out of an already oppressed group. Aren’t these the lessons we want to impart? What better way then, than modeling those lessons?

And let’s not forget kyriarchy is cruel. And one day those children will become the “masters”. Do we want to be “ruled” by them? Or do we want to break that cycle?

The first articles I picked up on were from the ever-neutral paragons of intelligent journalism, the Daily Mail and the Sun. They were titled, respectively, “‘Daddy, why is Mummy in bed with another man?’ Jordan’s four-year-old son asks Peter Andre” and “Jordan is disgusting“. The first parts of both articles mention that Katie Price allowed her four-year-old son to see her in bed with her new partner, Alex Reid:

The Mail: Peter Andre has branded estranged wife Katie Price ‘disgusting’ for allegedly letting their four-year-old son see her in bed with her new lover. The 36-year-old singer claimed the glamour model dealt him ‘the lowest blow ever’ when Junior asked why his Mummy was in bed with another man.

The Sun: Shocked Peter Andre last night accused Jordan of dealing him “the lowest blow ever” when she let their four-year-old son see her in bed with her new lover.
Singer Pete, 36, branded his ex “disgusting” as he told how Junior asked him why Mummy was in bed with another man.

Now on the surface this sounds pretty sordid – the wording of the headlines and the opening paragraphs lead the reader to believe that Katie Price has been openly having sex in front of her four-year-old child. Dig a little deeper, however, and the reality is about as far from sordid as it gets.

The reality is that Price’s son saw a man who was not his father, occupying the same bed as his mother. Now it could just be me, but I’m failing to see what’s so immoral or disgusting about that. Hell, perhaps my family ought to call child services on me; my son has been coming into the room I share with my partner (who of course is not his father) every morning for the past nine months!

Andre has been quoted as saying “I heard Junior had been asking why Mummy was in bed with another man. I didn’t believe it. I just thought it was kids saying things. But Junior has said it to me since. It’s something a four-year-old should not be saying. I can’t even bring myself to say the other name, but Junior just said, ‘Why is he in bed with Mummy? What is he doing in Mummy’s bed?’ That’s the most disgraceful thing I have ever heard. Ever.“

Pete, dearie, if this is the most disgraceful thing you’ve ever heard – that your ex-wife has a new partner and has the temerity to sleep in the same bed with him, or even that your son saw him in that bed – then you have lived a very, very sheltered life. That’s not disgraceful, that’s life.

Disgraceful is millions of babies, children and adults dying every year as a result of malnutrition and poor water supplies. Disgraceful is two women per week dying at the hands of their domestic partner. Disgraceful is war, death and destruction. Katie Price being in a new relationship is not disgraceful, and I envy you that you live in the world where that is “the most disgraceful thing [you] have ever heard.”

My friend and I were discussing Price’s vilification yesterday. When she went on holiday recently, the papers were full of condemnation that she had gone on holiday with her new partner and that Peter Andre was “left in charge of Jordan’s kiddies as she jetted off for a wild week with Reid“. The papers were full of stuff about how she was ‘cavorting topless’ (in a swimming pool) and generally having fun, and what a horrible person this made her. This wound me up beyond belief.

Firstly, what’s this about being “left in charge of [her] kiddies”? They’re not just her kids, they’re their kids. And surely if they’re his children too, he has just as much responsibility for looking after them as she does? I know that when my partner and I were long distance and I was visiting him, my son’s father was happy to have our son for a week or two, because he genuinely values spending as much time as he can with our son.

Secondly, isn’t she entitled to go on holiday, and sunbathe topless, and do what many other adults do when they go on holiday? I must have missed the memo that said that now I’m a parent, I’m not allowed to have fun any more.

If Price was the man and Andre was the woman, would there be such outrage? Let’s look at this for a moment, because it’s important and telling. “Peter Andre goes on holiday and gets drunk while Katie Price looks after the children.” Not exactly front-page news, even if they were still together. Because of course, it’s the default that women stay home looking after the children and men go out and have fun.

And then the icing on the cake this morning, in a text message from the same friend: “Headline of the Sun: “Jordan filmed romping in front of Pete’s kids“. It shows her giving her new man a quick kiss. Hardly romping, but hang on… when she went on holiday she dumped HER kids on him… now they’re HIS kids… I wish they’d make up their minds!” Wish they’d make up their minds indeed. It seems Price and Andre’s children are Price’s when it suits the papers to rag on Price, and Andre’s when it suits the papers to rag on Price.

Katie Price may not be a saint, but women do not exist to be saints, just human beings like everybody else. Katie Price, like all mothers, has every right to enter into a new relationship when her old one ends, she has every right to go on holiday and expect that her children’s father will take responsibility for their children while she’s away, she has every right to sunbathe topless at the pool (if, of course, the pool itself allows this) and she has every right to kiss her partner in front of her children. If a man did any of these things, he wouldn’t be condemned, because that’s just normal, he’s a man as well as a father. A mother, on the other hand, has an obligation to just be a mother, to sacrifice every other aspect of her being and to never be independent or to have fun.

Like I said, I’ve never been a fan of Price. I’ve never read her books and I don’t read gossip magazines, so for the most part she flies fairly low on my radar. But having had these articles brought to my attention, and actually reading them and looking between the lines for the truth in these toilet-paper red-tops, I’ve come to the conclusion that Katie Price is the same as many mothers in her position (but lucky enough not to have it plastered all over the news). She can either be an angelic Virgin Mary, or she is a whore. She can’t simply be allowed to be human as a man in her position would be. I feel for her, and am ashamed that so many of my fellow Brits see fit to judge her based purely on what they read in the tabloids, regardless of how we all know the tabloids will twist words and outright lie to get a good story, rather than actually thinking about things for a change.

This post is cross-posted from my blog Shut Up, Sit Down – apologies if you get it twice in your reader.

I don’t really have words for this, and I’m sure that I’m not alone in being angry, outraged and terrified on Miss Pullen’s behalf. I do not believe there is any such thing as being ‘too stupid’ to raise a child. That she is clearly intelligent enough and loves her daughter enough to fight this every step of the way, speaks volumes about her abilities.

This woman could be me. She could be you. This is not something that just happens to other people. The feminist community is huge and our actions have made a difference in the past on so many occasions. There’s a big community here these days, so I’d like to ask – is there anything we could do to help her? Answers in comments or via email, please.

The first Carnival of Feminist Parenting will be posted Sunday 14th June 2009. The deadline for submissions is Sunday 7th June 2009.

Feel free to submit your own posts or those of someone else. If you think it’s relevant to feminist motherhood/parenting, then it probably is. Almost everything will be considered; we at MFWL are a diverse bunch, and our readership doubly so!

Submissions can be made using the carnival submission form.

Thanks all!