Mothers For Women’s Lib

Welcome to the August 16, 2009 edition of the Carnival of Feminist Parenting. Once again there weren’t many non-spam submissions, but never fear as I have been submitting many posts that I’ve found around the blogosphere over the past month, which has bulked the carnival out a little. So let’s get started.

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Jill presents Confronting the Gender Binary posted at Imagine Today.

“I was at the glitter station with my assistant, supervising the kids adding some sparkle to their collages when one kid decided he’d rather have some glitter on himself, specifically his pants. I was just about to say something in response to his exclamation of the phrase “Glitter Pants!” and subsequent sprinkling of glitter onto his pants when a parent volunteer who happened to be walking by beat me to the punch –

“Don’t do that,” she exclaimed, “you look like a girl!“

Out of all the possible responses she could have chosen she had to choose the one that places a (negative) value judgment on being a girl. Rather than learning that messing around with the glitter made a big mess and was annoying to all of the adults involved, what the kid took away from this exchange was that something he wanted to do (in this case, wearing glittery pants) was wrong not because it made a mess, but because it was somehow feminine.“

Ama Lee presents Personal Politics: An Interview with Rebecca Walker posted at Feminist Review.

“One Big Happy Family is for you, your neighbors, the Supreme Court, and your uncle Robert. It’s for anyone doing family differently than the way it’s done on TV or at their grandmother’s house. It’s for people who are making up their version of family as they go along, following love and their own longing for connection. One Big Happy Family is for those who refuse to let love be defined by anything other than the truth of its existence. It’s a kind of Dr. Spock for the millions of people living life off the nuclear, hetero-normative grid.”

Amy Sedgwick presents What does pride mean to you? posted at Red Tent Sisters.

“As I glance across the room at this new family unit celebrating mother’s day for the first time, a wave of deep gratitude comes over me that we live in a city and country that has allowed these three people, whom I adore, to choose each other and to love each other, as they are meant to. I then look at my daughter, who, in great part due to Anya and Tara, has fluid ideas about love, family, sexual orientation, and choice. And my heart swells with pride. When it comes to LGBTQ rights, we may have a long way to go, but I am infinitely grateful for how far we have already come.”

Gena presents Girly gamers posted at Deadly Stealth Frogs.

“The article touched a nerve with me, mostly because I have an eleven year-old daughter who has blossomed into quite the gamer geek.  Her favorite games right now are Super Smash Bros. Brawl, one of the Pokemon games (I don’t remember which one since there are about a dozen of them) and Pikmin.  Most of her friends play at least one of these games as well, which leads to the question: why is there a need for video games marketed directly to young girls, and why must they involve the most lamest of themes? Over a third of gamers identify themselves as female, clearly this is not a reluctant market desperately in need of tapping.  Are there really a few girls or women out there who are thinking to themselves “Gee, I’d really like to get into this video gaming trend, but there are so few games out there that appeal to what really interests me–clothes and makeup!” If that’s the case, please identify yourselves so that you may be actively avoided by the rest of polite society.”

Three from Ellen Keim at Femagination – The Feminist Imagination Blog:

What I’ve Learned About Being a Mother

“4. If you are yourself, you will embarrass your children. If you try to act like them, you will embarrass your children. No matter what you do, you embarrass your children.
5. Keep a detailed journal. Your stories will never jibe with your children’s versions and it’s good to have proof.
6. You will not have time to keep a journal.
10. You will never again be lonely. Or alone. Even in the bathroom.“

Why More Mothers Aren’t Feminists

“These reasons why mothers aren’t feminists fall into two main categories: insecurities about themselves and their children’s futures and a feeling that feminists are not interested in their fate. The ironic thing is, the majority of women who start out as feminists end up being mothers. What happens to their feminist ideology and identity then? Is it like losing your religion? Can’t you be a card-carrying feminist and a mother, too? We need to hear more from those mothers and childless feminists need to give more thought to their own futures. Even if they don’t want to have children, what kind of lives do they want for their “sisters” who do?”

Taking Motherhood Seriously

“One thing that feminism has achieved has been a universalizing of the importance of parenthood. Fathers have benefited from the privileges that women have been awarded. Time off for new parenthood is now available to both sexes. (Even though, in most instances, it is not paid time off—America’s record in this area is abysmal compared to other countries.) Ideally, both sexes would always benefit from things like quality and affordable day care, decent pay, flexible hours, and family leave. But as long as women are the primary caregivers—not just of children, but of the ill and the elderly as well—they deserve special dispensations that men may not get. If we’re not going to pay mothers for the services they provide, then let’s at least take them seriously and give them what they need to do the job.”

Molly presents breastfeeding, sexism, and feminism posted at Feminist Childbirth Studies.

“The point is that it seems easy to miss the forest for the trees here. Breastfeeding can end up contributing to resentment and being stuck in an unwanted domestic role because caregiving is gendered feminine and wildly undervalued in our society, and because we live in a capitalist culture that doesn’t give a shit about people, and because our culture tells us that pregnant women and mothers are public property and can be guilt-tripped, judged, and corrected by whomever pleases (and therefore often make ‘choices’ in a social context that undermines genuine and confident decision-making), and because a lot of people are grossed out by the idea of a woman feeding her child from her breast in public, rather than because of anything inherent to breastfeeding itself. All of that crap is what’s “antifeminist”–not breastfeeding itself.”

And, as seems to be the tradition with this carnival so far, a whole bunch of submissions from me:

Is a Woman in Labor a “Person”? New Assaults on Pregnant Women’s Civil Rights in a NJ Case posted at Huffington Post.

“In the case, New Jersey Division of Youth and Family Services v. V.M. and B.G., the New Jersey appellate court found that V.M. and B.G. had abused and neglected their child, based on the fact that the mother, V.M., refused to consent to a cesarean section and behaved erratically while in labor. The mother gave birth vaginally without incident, and the baby was “in good medical condition.” Then she was never returned to her parents, and the judge in the case approved a plan to terminate their parental rights and give custody of the child to foster parents. What, beyond the obvious, is wrong with this picture?”

Pregnant Women As Incubators posted at Kittywampus.

“If we start forcibly hospitalizing expectant mothers who smoke, we’re going to need to expand hospitals like we’ve expanded prisons. That’s going to be interesting when pandemic flu drives up the demand for beds. What will we say? “There’s no room in the hospital. We’re full up with pregnant smokers.”

I’ve been following the debates over “fetal rights” for almost 20 years now, and this case is one of the scariest yet. If pregnant women were treated like Samantha Burton, they’d routinely be reduced to mere incubators. The people-growing pods from The Matrix look positively benign by comparison.”

Is Feminist Motherhood An Oxymoron? posted at Single Spaced.

“The fact that I have never been able to coalesce my ideas as a feminist and my ideas as a mom has really driven home the point of how necessary it is to be a consciously feminist parent. This definitely also speaks to the feeling that feminism largely ignores issues that mothers face. The truth of the matter is, mothers are devalued in every practical sense in American culture, and mothers of color are often demonized. The “Mommy Wars” still have lots of pull in the media and there are still books coming out on both sides women who actually have a choice between working or staying at home — NOW, say, thirty years after second wave feminism. Also of note: when a white mom doesn’t work and raises her children all day, she’s being a good mom, but when a brown mom does the same, she’s lazy and neglectful.”

That Thing Shall Not Be Mentioned posted at Rosie Land.

“As time has passed (both boys are now almost at school age) I realise that the more people I talk to, the more similar situations appear. Many mothers appear to be immediatley excluded as ‘viable candidates’ by recruiters or mothers have somewhat changed their goals and no longer want what they wanted prior to having kids.

The only options many of us mummies have is to go it alone or opt for unchallenging minimum wage work that doesn’t even cover childcare costs…what’s the point in that? You may as well take it easier and have the opportunity to see your kids grow up.

Some of us desperately try to hide our maternity gaps in our CVs. Others are blatantly stubborn and proud and mark out these lovely times in bold.

It’s a really shame that it happens. (And I could go on…) The disappointing part is that no one seems to talk about it. Many people see blatant discrimination happen, but choose to stay quiet. I’ve been mostly quiet – till now of course!”

De-Feminizing the Decision to Work posted at Equally Shared Parenting.

“It’s a brave new gender-bending world!

But yet, it isn’t. Even with these role switches becoming more common, the questions our culture asks women are still built on old assumptions. Will she work or stay home? Does she work because she wants to or because she has to? Can she find a job that gives her enough flexibility now that she’s a mother? We don’t ask these questions of men – still. Even as men are being laid off at rates far exceeding women’s lay-offs, our culture still considers the work/life puzzle to be mainly one that a woman must try to solve – either by finding a way to stay in the workforce full-time, downsizing her career, or staying home. All while society expects a man to march on in his usual breadwinning mission…until some outside force (maybe a lay-off, or perhaps the overwhelming logic of a wife with a far bigger paycheck) stops him.”

Why Can’t Boys Wear (Insert Color Here)? posted at Stop, Drop and Blog.

“When he came home from school on Thursday, I asked him if everyone in his class wore purple. He said, “No, just K.” (I also know that another girl had purple on but it wasn’t a “true” purple, more of a fuchsia, so it may have confused him.) Some background info about his class: three girls, eight boys. And, so, similar to last month, he was the only boy sporting the color of the month.

This drives me somewhat insane.

Why do we need to teach boys as young as three that they can’t wear certain colors? Why do we need them to be macho at such a young age? Should I have dressed him in navy blue and sent him to school grunting instead? Thankfully it sounds like no teasing occurred. But will it next year (he’ll be in the same class)? Or the following year when he moves up to the older class? When will he learn from other kids that “real men” don’t wear pink?”

Slap Fighting the Pink Posse posted at Pacing The Panic Room.

“People have asked, “what’s so incredible about not knowing? It seems stupid not to be prepared.” and I would always follow that up with, “prepared for what?” and the closest thing I ever received as an answer (beyond dying from curiosity), was so that we knew what color of clothes to buy for the child. Really!? Now, I promise I don’t mean this in any nasty offensive mean-spirited way, but that’s a pretty fucking stupid reason for finding out the sex of the baby. Honestly. But hey- that’s just me. I know that it’s vitally important to some people, and we are all different kinds of crazy and neurotic so I’m not judging anyone’s brand of lunacy, just laying mine out there and stating that I thought it was kind of absurd. What it did do, was get me thinking, and opened up many a discussion about gender roles and all of the things that we did not want to do to this baby, whether it be a boy or a girl. We started a kind of mental punch list of things that we would not project onto the baby, specifically Cole and I really opened up about how we felt about everything from the wearing of pink on girls – to boys being given footballs and jerseys before they could even hold their heads up. And it was made very clear how I felt about dressing little baby girls in ridiculous frilly foo-foo fairy princess clothes. I flat out forbid it. I don’t want it in our house, I do not want her to ever think that she is supposed to wear these things or she is weird. I am quite aware as she gets older, and develops tastes, and wants, and interests of her own that I will most likely have to endure some type of fairy princess phase, and I am fine with that. I will shower her with whatever kind of ridiculous play or fantasy that she wants to engage in. However just like I wont be cramming religion down her throat when she’s 2, I’m not filling her room with lace and fluff and painting the walls pink until the days comes that she requests it.”

Pregnancy and Body Image posted at BlogHer.

“I recognize that irony is at work here: almost every single issue of these magazines features photos of celebrities that are criticized for their bodies’ sizes. So while I’m hustling to keep my weight within a healthy range, there’s nothing like seeing a picture of thin Eva Langoria in Us telling people that she’s not pregnant, “just fat,” now that she has a barely detectable belly bulge. In that same issue, Us blasted the exceptionally thin female stars of the new 90210 show for being dangerously thin. What seems to be acceptable these days is a fine line – I think women are permitted to be a designer size 2 or 4 (which runs smaller than the size 2 or 4 you or I might find in a place like Ann Taylor or Wal-Mart), but certainly not below that and absolutely, under no circumstances, should they dare be above it. Is it any wonder that women and girls of all ages have severe body issues?

The one group of women I always hope are extra-exempt from these ridiculous expectations are pregnant women. It’s bad enough that “mainstream” society expects women to be belly-less, hip-less, butt-less, and thigh-less (with standards of beauty varying among different cultures, but often no more attainable for the average woman), but no one would hold a pregnant woman to these standards, right? Wrong. In August, several media outlets ran headlines about the widespread phenomena about women who refuse to gain weight during pregnancy.”

More Than a Traumatic Birth posted at TrueBirth.

“Childbirth is regarded as the most painful episode of a woman’s life, but also the most joyful. When women speak of a traumatic birth experience, most assume it to be an extremely painful event, or that something necessitated an emergency situation. For some, that is all the traumatic event is; 12 hours of tortuous labor with a supportive person by their side. Or a drop in the baby’s heart rate that sends everyone scrambling to get him out before he’s harmed. But for some, the traumatic event goes much deeper.

Sometimes women are held down while pleading to be let go; having vaginal exams forced on them; and their waters broken without giving consent. Some women call this Birth Rape, because it can be such a violent act that centers on their genitals, without their permission. The term is shocking, and upon hearing the stories of these women who have been assaulted, it is accurate.”

Dana’s Take: Not Just a Girl posted at Green Pixels.

“But I do know that as the parent of a daughter, I’ll be actively steering her away from games like this once she’s old enough to start playing them. Frankly, I find all the pink and shiny and rhinestone action combined with shopping and makeup and hair-centric activities pretty repulsive — I feel like it reinforces this unhealthy emphasis on external appearances and consumption being of the utmost importance. Lord help me if she comes to me and wants to play them.

Hopefully, however, if I’m giving her a steady stream of fun games to play — games like Mario Kart and Lego Star Wars and Flower and Viva Pinata — she won’t be running for the shopping simulators. As Amanda pointed out to me, those games may get tween girls playing games, but it’s not going to turn them into gamers. If this genre is all they know, then once they outgrow it, they’ll quit playing altogether. Girls who grow up playing “real” games, on the other hand, will be more likely to keep gaming.“

Can You Be a Feminist At-Home Mom? posted at Eclectic Muddlehood.

“Women need to begin paying close attention to this concept.  We need to actually choose.  And, pardon the terribly corny cultural reference, choose wisely.  In my opinion, a feminist is a self-aware woman.  A feminist is a woman who has taken the time to be introspective, to examine her core values carefully and make mindful choices that allow her to live her truth on a daily basis and support those who do the same.  What does this woman look like?  She comes in countelss varieties.  She may look like a career woman who has decided that the calling she feels to her work outside the home is the best way to honor her true self and set a powerful example for her children about following their dreams.  She may look like an at-home mother who feels that her true self is found in her devotion to the daily growth and development of her children.  She may be an atheist.  She may be a Biblical Christian.  She may be an ardent liberal.  She may be a staunch conservative.  She may forego politics altogether.  She may cook a four course meal for her family every night.  She may be on a first name basis with the take out delivery person.   She may have no children at all.  She may have twenty.  If she has consciously chosen her path, believes she is honoring her calling in life with all her heart and is striving to mindfully live her truth to the best of her ability every day of her life, then in my book– she’s a feminist.”

Tragic Loss of AZ State Treasurer’s Wife and Newborn Son Brings Home Reality of Maternal Mortality posted by Kristin Davis at Empowher.

“Nearly 600 women in the US die in childbirth each year. Back in the 1980’s and 90’s, maternal mortality was at a steady rate of 7 to 8 deaths for every 100,000 live births. According to the CDC, this rate increased to 12 to13 maternal deaths for every 100,000 live births in 2004. This rise of maternal deaths could correlate with the fact that more women are having children later in life, as well as the fact that there are more births by C-section which involve more risks.

Doctors don’t like to talk about losing patients, and the risk of dying while giving birth is an especially scary topic that is most often avoided. When Arizona State Treasurer Dean Martin publicly announced the death of his wife and newborn son just a couple of hours ago, he did not touch on the cause of their deaths. Instead, he mentioned that what had happened with his wife and son during the birth was a rare occurrence and that expectant women shouldn’t be worried. But with our country’s maternal death rate increasing, it would appear that we should be worried. And talking about it.”

Why boys don’t wear pink, and why girls do posted at Hobo Mama.

“I’m going to agree with the idea that gender is much more complicated than just clothing since it’s so bound up in all things cultural. Colors and styles can’t have an innate and immutable meaning or there would not be such variation across cultures and over time (long hair perfect for men vs. short hair the only legitimate option, white for mourning vs. white for weddings, makeup for everyone vs. only for women, etc.) Instead, we learn the rules in a hundred different ways, starting from that first appropriately hued blanket wrapped around us at birth. At least within my own (sub)culture, there are also religious aspects to how we raise our children to be acceptably gendered, and then there are just routine and unexamined aspects. We reach for the blue romper for the boy without questioning, and we coo over the dress with the pink flowers for the girl.”

Some Cautious *Good* News on Forced Cesareans posted at Kittywampus.

“Harding notes that the appellate court did uphold termination of V.M.’s parental rights, and that this would likely not have happened if her refusal of a c-section hadn’t already been framed as negligence and triggered scrutiny by the state. But once V.M. and B.G. were in the system, no court could ignore evidence of their unfitness. The couple failed to show up for a custody hearing, a psychologist was allegedly assaulted during a home visit, and another psychiatrist eventually found V.M. to be suffering from paranoid schizophrenia for which she refused medication. For these reasons, the appellate court ruled that the baby belonged in foster care. Harding is agnostic about whether the higher court decided correctly, and I agree that we don’t know enough to judge the case, ourselves.

But reporters and bloggers need to acknowledge that this case isn’t solely about forced cesareans. In our zeal to defend reproductive rights, it doesn’t help to fudge the facts. We can condemn the doctors and the lower court for violating V.M.’s basic right to bodily integrity and autonomy. At the same time, we can and should celebrate the appellate court’s clear judgment, which reaffirms that women enjoy those basic rights  – even when they’re pregnant.”

It takes a village to raise a child posted at PhD in Parenting.

“I hear a lot of people say, I couldn’t possibly do attachment parenting because I’m a working mom or I couldn’t possibly do attachment parenting because I have to use day care. I don’t think that is true at all. For me personally, the fact that I am a working mom makes me feel it is even more important to practice attachment parenting because it makes it easier to create the strong bond I want to have with my children despite the fact that I have less time with them than a stay at home mom does.

But, I couldn’t be an attached mom if it was all on my shoulders. I think when people practicing attachment parenting get burned out, it is because they are trying to do too much alone. It takes some work to create a village, especially in our very nuclear family based society. But I think it is worth it in the end. If you don’t have family nearby, seek out friends that can be part of your village.”

An apology to my present self from the former posted at Noble Savage.

“I didn’t know that I didn’t have to be a complete douchebag to be a parent. I also didn’t realise just how hard it is. “Controlling” a child is a completely laughable and utterly stupid expression. I should no more assume I can control my child than I can control my husband, or him me. Children are people, fully fledged human beings with feelings, thoughts and impulses and they are LEARNING. They are learning and exploring and testing and growing and we should be there just to make sure they don’t kill themselves or someone else in the process. When’s the last time mass chaos, murder and mayhem erupted from an incidence of running in a library for three minutes? Where is the erosion of society’s moral fabric in something so demonic as singing loudly in a grocery store? Isn’t it silly, all these expectations and pressure we place not only on parents to control but on children, to be controllable?

So, Former Self, get off your high-horse, you impetuous, stupid, arrogant girl. And next time you see a kid running in public, his mother charging around behind trying to “control” the situation while you stare and tut, give yourself a punch in the face and then get up off your imperious ass and go give her a hand. At the very least, stick a leg out so the kid trips and she can catch him.”

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That concludes this edition. Remember, this carnival can’t exist without YOU! So please, please submit your (or someone else’s!) blog post or article to the next edition of the Carnival of Feminist Parenting using our carnival submission form. The next edition will be posted on Sunday 13th September, so the submission deadline will be Sunday 6th September. Past posts and future hosts can be found on the Carnival Home Page. Thanks for reading, folks!

Welcome to the second edition of the Carnival of Feminist Parenting. It’s 11pm here so I’m just in time to post it on its due date.

There have been depressingly few (non-spam) submissions for this edition, which to me doesn’t bode well for its potential. If you’d like to see the Carnival continue, please be sure to submit those posts, be they yours or those written by other people! Although we are primarily a UK blog, the Carnival is intended to be international, so please do send in articles and posts from around the world.

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Stephanie Rosado presents Motherhood = Feminism = Activism posted at Mothering in the Margins.

“In reality, it wasn’t that I didn’t want a girl. I just felt some reluctance to raising a girl; not the child herself. This became clear immediately when I saw her on the screen during my sonogram. It was love at first sight. I was in awe of her and even more in awe that in a few short months I’d be able to hold and cuddle and talk to her. I immediately realized that my reluctance wasn’t to her, it was to my own ability to raise her.

On the surface, I knew that raising any child (but even more so a female child) was going to be more difficult as a feminist parent because of the societal pressures and reactions. It is the societal opposition that was indeed the problem and NOT my style of parenting or that she is a girl. So, why still the reluctance to raising a girl?”

Scott presents On Gendered Interests in Children posted at A Canadian Lefty in Occupied Land.

“Anyone who has kids has at some point found themselves trapped in a conversation in which the other person pronounces, often with great insistence, that “Boys like…” or “Girls play with…”.

I want to make a few observations about such statements and the phenomena that underly them. This includes an example from the life of L, my kid who will be six years old in a couple of months, that illustrates one way that such preferences get produced, as well as a few thoughts about how to relate to such phenomena.”

Kenzie presents Babies and the Cultural Performance of Femininity posted at Birthcycle.

“Babies are, according to our assumptions regarding what feminine is, remarkable feminine, and without even trying.

Now, on the one hand that says a lot about what women are expected to perform when they’re expected to perform femininity. Feminine performance is, to a certain extent, infantilizing for women.

But, on the other hand, it helps to explain to me why folks are so very caught up in making sure little baby boys are dressed up and recognizable as boys. Their essential  femininity must be masked.”

Elisha Webster Emerson presents Would you Like Sex with That Burger? posted at My Inconvenient Body.

“Sure, sex sells to adults.  That’s nothing new.  In fact, it’s about as old as advertising itself.  Tom Reichert’s The Erotic History of Advertising traces commercial sex images as far back as the 1850’s, when naked women sold mostly men products from tobacco to beverages.

And very quickly, the progression becomes clear:  selling the sex-image to men (old as advertising, older) —> selling the sex-image to women—-> selling the sex image to children?”

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This was nearly a very short carnival, but for the fact that there have been a few posts and articles I’ve read over the last month that I’ve saved to share with you today.

Kristin at Work It, Mom asks Why do single moms have to ask permission?

“As a single Mom, I’m deemed the Permission Asker. I don’t ever “tell” my ex I’m going away for the weekend, nor do I assume he’ll assist if Nolan needs to be taken to the Doctor, or kept home from daycare if he’s feeling under the weather. If I need a slice of time for work, my friends, myself – I need to ask permission and hope I’ll be granted it. It’s not a given, not as simple as a phone call to say: hey, I’m going away for the weekend.

I’m not an anomoly: every single Mom I know is in the same boat. Their exes can float in and out at will, taking time for camping trips and week-long vacations, while Mom is left holding the bulk of the responsibility. If she wants a camping trip – she’s going to have to plead a little – and even then, it’s not a given. I wonder why this is.”

Cara at The Curvature writes about Pregnancy As a Sign of Intimate Partner Abuse.

“It’s a part of the reason why I so strongly feel and regularly advocate that anti-rape education needs to be a part of sexual health education. Of course, sexual violence is a sexual health issue. But from a strictly practical level, you can’t teach kids how to use condoms and expect that to be enough to prevent pregnancy and STDs on the whole. The current model, the way in which we teach teens (and adults!) how to use condoms and other contraception, almost always supposes that consensual sex makes up for all of the STDs and pregnancies they’re attempting to prevent. And it just plain doesn’t, as much as we wish it did.”

A couple of articles on the disturbing trend in USian (and possibly UK?) obstetric care of “Pit To Distress”, one from Nursing Birth titled “Pit to Distress”: A Disturbing Reality, and another from Unnecesarean titled “Pit to Distress”: Your Ticket to an “Emergency” Cesarean?

“‘Pit to distress.’ How have I not heard about this? Apparently it’s quite en vogue in many hospitals these days. Googling the term brings up a number of pages discussing the practice, which entails administering the highest possible dosage of Pitocin in order to deliberately distress the fetus, so a C-section can be performed. Yes folks, you read that right. All that Pit is not to coerce mom’s body into birthing ASAP so they can turn that moneymaking bed over, but to purposefully squeeze all the oxygen out of her baby so they can put on a concerned face and say, “Oh dear, looks like we’re heading to the OR!”

Mindy at Hoyden About Town asks for Advice Please.

“I have a three year old daughter. She loves pink, she loves dresses, she loves shoes. I have no problem with this. I think she is adorable and very much her own bossy little person. I do have a problem with her only saying that she is beautiful when she is wearing a dress or a particular t-shirt with a little frill on the bottom. I do have a problem with her saying that she doesn’t want to eat from the blue ‘boys’ bowl, she wants the pink ‘girls’ bowl. This isn’t coming from me. It’s not coming from her Dad or her big brother. I don’t think it’s necessarily coming from daycare, at least not directly because they are pretty progressive. More importantly how do I stop it? How do I tell her that she is beautiful whatever she is wearing, or running around in the narky-noo? How do I tell her that colours are for everyone?”

Abby O’Reilly at The F Word writes about recent news that there are now more stay-at-home dads than ever before.

“While these results are said to represent the dissolution of traditional gender roles in Britain, the nature of this as a report specifically analysing the role of fathers suggests that the stay-at-home dad is still considered an unusual phenomeneon.The subtext to the media coverage it has been given also suggests that men who do favour domesticity should be praised, despite the fact women have been staying at home and caring for their children for generations.”

Bust Magazine has an article about Another Decision You Can’t Make For Yourself.

“Tarrah Seymour is 21 and pregnant with her second child. She and her husband, Adam Sylvester, who is 23, know they don’t want to have any more children, so they asked the OB/GYN, Dr. Kayode Ayodele, to perform the sterilization during Seymour’s planned C-section. He refused because of their ages, claiming Seymour might ‘’get involved with someone else down the road and regret her decision.’’ He flat out won’t perform the procedure on anyone under 25.”

Jeremy at Daddy Dialectic writes his answers to Blue Milk’s 10 questions on feminist motherhood.

“At the start, I saw participating in infant care as being the most important thing I could do to make my fathering profeminist, and maybe that was correct—it had the merit of being a pretty straightforward mission. I did my best.

And that’s a fundamentally different framework than the one an anti-feminist or non-feminist father brings to fatherhood—for the best of them, fatherhood involves an uncomplicated commitment to breadwinning above all else, which, whatever its shortcomings, is definitely an important role to fulfill; for the worst of them, fatherhood becomes another opportunity to dominate women and expand their egos.”

Cara at The Curvature has a post titled Organization Pays Addicted Women to Undergo Permanent Sterilization.

“What we’re looking at here is the exploitation of a vulnerable population of women. (While the program is open to men, less than 1% of those who have taken the deal have actually been men.) Because I don’t know about you, but I don’t know a whole lot of people who aren’t currently interested in permanent birth control who would suddenly become interested for a rather lousy $300. I can only imagine, in fact, that someone would take such a deal only if they were incredibly desperate for money (and not only because of addiction, but also because of unbearable living expenses, etc.).”

And finally, Arwyn at Raising My Boychick puts out a call for feminist-parent guest bloggers.

“I’m not looking for perfection: sometimes the best opportunities for learning or teaching come when we mess up. And don’t worry about it being “good enough” in either feminist content or writing quality — I’m not going to judge the former, and I can help with the latter. I’m just looking for a picture, big or little, of some way you try to enact womanism/feminism in your life as a parent, and raise the next generation more aware of and less enslaved by kyriarchy/patriarchy.

I’d especially like to get the perspective of parents (“regular”, step, adoptive, birth, and to-be or hoping-to-be) who are not male-partnered, white, able-bodied, middle-class, American women — though even if you are all those things don’t let that stop you from submitting.”

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That concludes this edition. I really hope you’ve enjoyed it! Remember, this carnival can not exist without participation from you, the readers. Submit your blog article to the next edition of the Carnival using our carnival submission form. Past posts and future hosts can be found on our blog carnival index page or the carnival home page.

Welcome to the very first edition of the Carnival Of Feminist Parenting!

There have been a fair few entries even for this first edition, most good and some really, really bad. I suppose I should have stated in the instructions – if you submit an article with a tagline like “If you are sure your partner is cheating, then being unfaithful in return does not help matters any” or “How to stay calm and plan a great wedding”, or an article all about how teh poor oppressed menz should have a say in abortion (seriously, this dude proposed courts be able to force women to abort if the sperm donor didn’t want to be a father!), it’s not going to get published here. Carnival of Feminist Parenting, dudes. FEMINIST. *sigh*

Anyway, on with the wonderful collection of amazing posts which truly deserve their spots in the Carnival.

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Stef kicks us off with Labels aren’t just for clothes posted at The Hand Mirror.

“But what about me? The term stepmother comes with so many negative connotations. It’s true that as I hone in on 30 I do have more facial hair than I’d like to admit but I do not in anyway resemble the stereotypical wicked stepmother depicted in those fairy tales. You will not find a single wart on my nose and despite the state of the garage I’m pretty sure that there are no dungeons or spinning wheels to be found around my home. Moreover anything term that uses the term ‘mum’ is likely to further piss off the Child’s mother who is already feeling a bit jealous and threatened by my existence.

The only person who didn’t seem to give rat’s ass about the whole situation was The Child. She knew daddy loved me and I loved Daddy and we both cared for her which was really the most important bit. An extra person meant an extra present at Christmas and Birthday time for the Child, plus someone with another set of interests and hobbies to keep her entertained. She has always referred to me as ex-expat, and truth be told we didn’t really need a label because I had always just been ‘her’ ex-expat. Secretly I worried that if we didn’t attempt to label our relationship someone else would do so for us and seek to define my relationship with the child from their own perspective but in the end we decided to let the issue lie until the child raised it.”

Anthea presents But… aren’t you supposed to get fat? posted at The Good Bodies.

“So, this week, for my GP, I got on the scales for the first time since October. I weighed about 11st, which means I’ve put on about a stone and a quarter. Given that my baby is due in 8 weeks, I think this is a reasonable amount. Added to which, my face has got no fatter than it was and is always the first place to show whenever my weight fluctuates, so I’m confident that the weight gain is temporary and that I’ll have little difficulty losing it once the baby’s born. Being the liberated woman that I am, I stepped off the scales seeing the weight gain as of little consequence. Mr GP, however, had other ideas. “That’s quite a good weight gain,” he said. I was pleased. I thought this meant that the weight gain was just right for the health of my baby and me. He and I clearly have different ideas of what the word ‘good’ means, as he then went on to make it clear that he thought I’d put too much on. “You know, it’s OK to diet during late pregnancy,” he continued, “I think it’s due to hormones. The women in my family tell me they want to eat more during pregnancy and their periods, so they eat too much. Don’t cut out just one food group, just cut down generally so you’re still getting some of everything.”

Next we have not one, not two, but three entries from Rabbit at Rabbit Write.

Oprah’s segment on buying your daughters vibrators

“I think the key is to have an open and honest household that encourages all curiosity while developing boundaries between the parents and children as they age. In an open and honest home I think you might not even need to even have scheduled talks about sex, as your children will come to you and ask if and when they need to. I think this takes a huge amount of self-awareness and self-work on the part of the parent, as what so often happens is that the parent is reminded through their child of their own childhood, when their own autonomy was shut down and the reaction here often is to anxiously repeat the same behavior of their own parents.”

Feminism and Circumcision

“The anti-circumcision movement believes that circumcision can have a profound and lasting effect on a man sexually and emotionally. One of the most common complaints about circumcision is keratinization , a condition that happens as men get older when the glans and remaining tissue begin to get dry and calloused. This can cause painful sex for the woman as well as the man, as the penis is very dry and the man has to pump harder. Circumcision is a very traumatic procedure for an infant to go through, a study shows that infants rarely get anesthesia for circumcision, it has also been noted that infants will sometimes go into shock from the pain. The same study also shows that the pain and traumatic memory in the infant seem to persist. I don’t think it is unlikely that this early trauma would create an emotional scar.

Or if you listen to the Jez-blogger these sexual and emotional complaints are just because “So many men believe the world revolves around their dicks.”

Is this really what the feminism movement of the last 50 years + has come to? A girls club, too ready to blame men? Men are not naturally sexist and violent, Women are not born submissive and passive aggressive. We raise our genders this way, and we women are on average the primary care-givers. We have absolute power over our children and children only learn abuse from their abusers. If the above is true than how can we change gender roles and achieve equality until we start with how we raise girls and boys? In my mind this includes not circumcising your infant son. If you want to tear down the patriarchy, start from the foundation.”

Orgasmic Birth (Just…why not?)

“The idea of orgasmic childbirth is clearly an off-putting concept. The idea of combining sexual pleasure with birth is at once shocking because a newborn is thrown into a sexual context. I suppose you could also argue the mother is in a round about way (or maybe even directly) obtaining sexual pleasure from her child.

Though after rolling the idea over in your brain or researching the topic it should become clear that birth as a sensuous experience is not about pedophilia or sexualizing the baby. Yet cultural taboos do remain. The idea of an orgasmic childbirth breaks the social norm and the ancient notion that births, periods and all of the earthy, raw experiences of being a woman are unmentionable, things that we “just don’t talk about.””

Elisha Webster Emerson presents Motherhood and the Supermom posted at My Inconvenient Body.

“The mother-as-suffering-angel equation functions in the same destructive direction as all Women-as-Symbol equations–It works to silence, to objectify and to control. Historically, the only woman one could find in literature existed symbolically; loftily porcelain, elevated on a pedestal of pretty words and metaphorical allusion. The woman as bird, the woman as tempest, the woman as muse.

It’s our job, my job, as a woman writer to inhabit my womanhood, to make it alive, dynamic, imperfect. It is my task to inhabit my womanhood and to write out of that, to break those static symbols for the clamorous, untamable truth.

As mothers, let us never cower beneath the weight of this Supermom icon. She is fiction. She is not real.”

Next, two from Butterflea at Feminist Childrearing:

Children’s Television – Sexist media representing a sexist world.

“It did however come as a shock when, surprise surprise, despite all my best efforts at feminist parenting, age four my daughter transformed from a happy-go-lucky confident unselfconscious grubby child into a pristine pink princess with a “passion for fashion”. Her sexist utterances were even more surprising, “girls can’t have short hair”, “boys can’t play fairies” and her refusal to wear anything that wasn’t a dress and pink or sparkly ensured mornings were traumatic for all involved.

Although I tried to deny it for a while, I knew it was my fault, after all mothers are the primary passeroners of patriarchal values. My slackness, my desire for a few quiet moments, had left my daughter vulnerable to the brainwashing. I knew the risks, I knew the danger of the mainstream media, its power to corrupt, and I deliberateraly sat her down in front of it. I thought I could beat it. I couldn’t!”

Children and Parents in Feminist Activism.

“We want to spread this movement of ours yet we don’t make our activism accessible to parents. Many of the women in this country are mothers yet we don’t provide childcare at our meetings. Is feminism for everyone or just for a small clique of childless women?

We rally en masse for abortions rights (rightly so!) but where are the rallies to protest against single-parents being forced back to work, for better childcare for working parents, for better maternity services, for recognition of the unpaid work parents do raising children and what exactly are we doing in our activism to facilitate parents attending?

Sometimes I feel like we’ve fallen for the idea that mothers should be home, tied to the kitchen sink, cooking and changing nappies, voiceless and uncomplaining and that children should be seen and not heard. I suppose it’s so ingrained in all of us that there is a time and place for children that meetings aren’t seen as one of those times or places. I think like that too sometimes, but its ageist against children and sexist against mothers and we all need to address and confront it within ourselves and as a group. Maybe a meeting isn’t the most suitable place for young children but if parents are going to be there we need to accept that children will be too and sort out ways to deal with it.”

Tumbleweed presents another one from Feminist Childrearing - Forest School: towards Feminist, Anarchist and Environmental Learning? (revised edition).

“I discovered Forest School whilst working at a nature reserve, and immediately was hooked- it was everything I thought good environmental education and childhood learning should be! Forest School is a Scandinavian initiative, started in the 1980’s. Within an outdoor setting (ideally woodland), children carry out small achievable tasks (anything from making wooden whistles to Autumn leaf crowns), and from these experiences, the children grow in confidence, independence and self-esteem. They also benefit from just ‘being’ within nature- an experience that previous generations would have had many-a-time, but in a society full of ‘fear’ like ours, many children do not have the opportunity to have such wild experiences, leading to what some term as ‘nature-deficit disorder’ (see www.richardlouv.com). Childhood nature experience is also essential for encouraging life-long learning, responsibility for the environment, and foster such lifestyle choices and attitudes in adulthood. A ‘must’ for the environmental movement.”

Stephanie Rosado presents Motherhood = Feminism = Activism posted at Mothering in the Margins.

“It is necessary as a parent to lead by example. To show our children what their efforts can do to change this world and not simply tell them that they have this potential. We must become their inspiration, their mentors by modeling the behavior we want them to learn. We must use our feminism and our activism as vital tools of parenting to raise children that can think critically about the world and are not afraid to challenge the dominant power structures in the name of justice and equality. We must parent in such a way as to produce adults that are open minded and see all people as deserving of respect and a peaceful living. We must parent to raise children that do not feel that the needs and desires of one person, not even their own, are more important than meeting the needs and desires of another.”

Spilt Milk presents Bust that myth, already posted at Spilt Milk.

“A major argument in my honours dissertation, written nine years ago, was that we need to dismantle the myth of the perfect mother. That one way to keep feminism from doing its work is the perpetuation of this myth. And here I am, nine years later, beating myself up for not being perfect. No one else does it – in fact, I’m blessed with a loving partner and gorgeous friends who repeatedly tell me what a good job I’m doing, and a daughter who is manifestly healthy and exuberant. But I still tell myself multiple times a day that I’m shit at this gig. Either the Subliminal Patriarchal Propaganda Machines are way stronger than nine years of thinking and believing could ever be, or I have issues.

I’m taking an each-way bet on that one.”

Our very own Ruth Moss presents two wonderful posts:

The consequences of choosing to take full responsibility for your childs education yourself posted at Staffordshire

“We will revise that statutory guidance later in the year to make it absolutely clear that if at any point the parents refuse to allow the child to be seen alone, the local authority has powers under that Act to apply for an emergency protection order to require parents to comply with any request to produce the child. The Act authorises the removal of a child in those circumstances if necessary.” Disproportionate or what? This is what is coming next for all you stay at home mums with small children and all families during the summer holidays if you don’t wake up and smell the coffee.

What if your child is dyslexic, the author of the report this recommendation is based on believes that given a suitable education all children should be reading autonomously at 8. And if your children have special needs, especially if they are on the autistic spectrum, their behaviours and idiosyncrasies can look very like the government indicators of child abuse.”

Raising a not-rapist posted at Raising My Boychick

“That is the difference between raising boys and raising girls: we need to raise both of them free of gender stereotypes and arbitrary gender roles, but to ignore their sex and the roles their gender will push them toward in society is as ridiculous a proposition as raising children “colorblind” in regards to race: all it does is reify the dominant paradigm, prop up racism and sexism and the entire kyriarchy, because we cannot fight what we do not acknowledge exists. In this case, that is the truth that some boy children will grow up to be rapists.

This is something a lot of parents don’t want to think about — I know I would really rather not. This is my perfect little baby we’re talking about! And he is; he is beautiful, and sweet, and loving, and empathetic, and caring, and absolutely perfect.

Of course, every baby is perfect. And yet, some men are rapists. Somehow, perfect babies grow up in to men who rape. It would be so easy, so reassuring, to hide behind the lie that it couldn’t happen to my baby, that I don’t have to think about that, that that only happens to those other people and their defective children. But that line of thinking is just another tool of the patriarchy, trying to defend itself; if it can just make us blind enough, we’ll do all the defending it needs for it.

No, the only way to make sure that my boy does not become a rapist is to teach him not to rape. And that starts now.”

Blue Milk presents Guest Post: Stepmothering and feminist motherhood posted at Blue Milk.

“Guest post: Stephanie blogs at group blog, The Hand Mirror. She lives with her partner and for almost half the time with his 5 year old daughter also. Consequently Stephanie has become a step-mother. Here is her response to my 10 questions about your feminist motherhood.

Stephanie’s response to these questions as a stepmother is a first and a very appropriate addition. In her response she raises some fascinating questions of her own (including many I’ve never previously considered) around the identity of motherhood and its preoccupation with biological mothers, in addition to the way biological mothers and stepmothers are pitted against one another.”

Cruella presents The Truth About Antenatal Classes posted at Cruella-blog.

“So in conclusion, there seem to be some real positives from a supportive class covering what to expect throughout maternity, birth and the first year or so of a child’s life, although clearly such classes should be available freely (although the NCT does offer discounted classes if mothers have financial difficulties). Information on pain relief doesn’t seem to be getting through so well. What is needed in this area is accurate information about all the options and how likely the various outcomes are both nationally and by hospital and clinic so that women can make a considered choice. What is not needed is a load of piffle about trying to relax while you’re in excruciating pain.”

And finally, a few from myself which I thought would be valuable additions to the Carnival:

From a Dad posted at en|Gender.

“No, my kid is making me tell you to tolerate all gender expression.

Women in crew cuts who are straight. Men in dresses and makeup who are straight and married to straight women. The same people, in terms of gender expression, who are gay. Everyone.

You don’t have to love them. You don’t have to wear a dress yourself. You don’t have to have a gay marriage, or marry a butch woman. None of this will be mandated in the world which I’m trying to make by talking with you. You, a person I desperately want to ignore.”

Crossdressing Toddlers posted at Fly My Pretty.

“Cruising around the internet, I was reading another lesbian mum blog which made me feel a bit sad. I’d be hard pressed to find it again, but they described their two children as “all boy” and “a hundred per cent girl”. Maybe they didn’t intend it, but it sounded defensive to me – look at our PERFECTLY NORMAL children! No traces of gay-training here! I wrote a couple of days ago about creating my own pressure to be a ‘perfect family’, to demonstrate that lesbian-headed families are completely valid. I keep coming back to gender roles – what I’m modelling, what I’m teaching them. If I was in a relationship with a man, would I think so much about whether it is okay to dress Louis in girl’s clothes? Will people think we are ashamed of his sex? That lesbians hate men therefore we are trying to emasculate our boychild?

Naturally none of these issues come up when we dress Pearl in overalls and little red t-shirts with trucks on them. She just looks cute and tomboyish.”

New report: Mothering in Prison posted at Feministing.

“The number of prison-based nursery programs is growing, but such programs are still rare. Only 9 states have these programs, and almost half were created in the last five years.

Research shows that these programs benefit mothers and children. Women who participate show lower rates of recidivism (likelihood to commit a new crime), and their children show no adverse affects as a result of their participation. Improves maternal child bonding as well.

Many women parenting their infants in prison nurseries could be doing so in the community instead. Women in both types of programs are serving relatively short sentences for non-violent offenses, and will continue primary caretaking responsibility for their child(ren) upon release. Most women in prison nursery programs present little risk to public safety. The issues that bring most women in contact with the criminal justice system – drug addiction, lack of education, poverty – are better addressed in a community setting than in prison.”

Feminism, fathers and valuing parenthood posted at PhD in Parenting.

“The problem with feminist mothering is that it either pushes for women to be freed from the shackles of motherhood (by making it easier for them to put their kids into day care) or it pushes for concessions in the workplace for women (more maternity leave, more sick leave, breaks and accommodations to pump breastmilk at work, etc.).

While I don’t think there is anything wrong with pushing for those things, I think we need to push for something more, something different.

We need to push for a society that values family and parenthood. One that recognizes that role that parents play in raising the next generation. One that recognizes that fathers, like mothers, may need to strike a balance between their career and their family life. One where women don’t feel that they have to be an equally uninvolved parent in order to reach their goals, but where they can ask their partner to step up too.”

Raising boys? Help yourself to some gender stereotypes posted at The F Word.

“In Biddulph world, men are men and women are women. Women stack the dishwasher while hubby reads the paper. Biddulph’s philosophy for happiness is simple. Be heterosexual, be middle class and make sure you marry your man. Once these ideals are fulfilled the stage is set. Mother is nurturing and gentle – her passion wholly centred upon domesticity. In his essay, ‘Stand Up to Your Wife’ in his book, Manhood he claims that strong women will “feel able and willing to bear a child”. The magic is such that Biddulph claims to “have known fertility problems to disappear through this work – as if a woman’s body would not bear a child until her mind knew it could and would protect that child”. Meanwhile the man must “stand up to his wife”. New Man is boring – “I’ve met dozens of strong, capable feminist women, who tell me in the confidentiality of the counselling setting, that they have finally found the sensitive, caring, new-age man they thought they wanted and they are bored stiff! They are starting to drive slowly past building sites, wondering whether to whistle!” he chuckles. Scrape the surface and modern empowered women are the root of the problem – emasculating men, confusing boys and subverting the natural order of things. The temerity is astounding. Women have demanded change of men and now are unhappy with the result. Like modern day Pandoras, they’ve opened the box and unleashed a modern-day catastrophe.”

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As you can see, there have been some really cracking posts/articles submitted this month. Let’s make next month even better! The next edition will be published, here at Mothers For Women’s Lib, on Sunday 12th July 2009. Deadline for submissions will therefore be Sunday 5th July 2009. I was fairly lax with the deadline this month, next month anything submitted after the deadline will not be published until the August edition. And to answer a question from our lovely Mossy – yes, non-UK submissions are more than welcome!

Submit your blog article to the next edition of carnival of feminist parenting using our Carnival Submission Form. Past posts and future hosts can be found on our Blog Carnival Index Page.

I’m not entirely sure yet how carnival hosting works, but if you think you could have a bash at it, please email me and we’ll talk.