Mothers For Women’s Lib

Welcome to the sixth edition of the Carnival of Feminist Parenting! This month has been a spectacular one for articles and blog posts related to feminism and parenting, and I’ve really enjoyed putting this edition of the Carnival together. There’s a bit of a change in format from the previous carnivals – every time I’ve put it together it’s evolved a little bit. Eventually, when I find a format I like and that you the readers like, I’ll stick with it.

Anyway, without further ado: November 2009′s Carnival of Feminist Parenting!

Children’s Rights

• In Feminist Parenting: The Larger Picture, Elena Perez talks about the intersections between feminism and children’s rights, explaining why children’s rights should matter to feminists.

• Ruth Moss has written an open letter to Kate Harding, a response to Harding’s child- and mother-blaming article about children screaming on aeroplanes.

• Arwyn wrote a fabulous explanation of the personhood of children, explaining how when we say ‘people’ we often mean ‘adults’, and what it means to respect children as people.

• Ruth Moss (again, she’s that good!) wrote a response to Arwyn’s post, adding a couple of paragraphs about encouraging age-appropriate behaviour.

• Noble Savage has a great post titled On child hate and feminism, talking about her impressions of motherhood/children before she had children and why feminists should be in favour of children’s rights.

Mother-Blaming

• In a guest post at The F Word, Amy Clare talks about the most recent attacks on mums, with news of a study which appears to show children of paid-working mums are less healthy.

• Blue Milk has a quote from a recent blog post by Carrie Fisher in which she (sarcastically) apologises for not meeting certain beauty standards post-children.

• Deanna Dahlsad writes an excellent article about why we vilify single mothers, discussing the history of negativity towards them and how that is relevant today.

Race

• Renee Martin has a post titled Who Will Love The Black Child? talking about how Black children are taught to devalue their colour, and how parents might counter this.

Teaching and Learning

• Kathleen Deveny writes In Praise Of Bossy Girls, explaining how girls who are assertive are often accused of bossiness, whereas the same accusation is not placed on their male peers.

• Renee Martin talks about how We Teach Our Children Homophobia by passing on heterosexist notions to them, even unintentionally.

• In If She’s Not Having Fun You Have To Stop, Thomas writes about an occasion where he witnessed a father teaching his two-year-old an important lesson.

• Apu writes about raising liberal daughters, pondering the “gap between what parents expect and what young women would like to be and do”.

• Stephanie writes a critique of the book ‘Rules for My Unborn Son’, pulling apart some of the more problematic ‘rules’ in the book.

Breastfeeding

• Molly writes some more on breastfeeding, feminism, cost, and value, explaining why she believes breastfeeding is not an inherently antifeminist act, and is even a feminist act.

Gender Equality

• Kate Townshend talks about Gender in the playground, the ways in which children learn the gender divide and particularly how girls learn that their appearance is the most important thing.

• Renee Martin writes Don’t Let A Girl Beat You, talking about how boys are encouraged into sport while girls are discouraged from competing, and the messages this sends to both.

• In To tutu or not to tutu? Misty writes an intelligent, thoughtful response to a woman who is concerned by her son’s propensity towards traditionally ‘female’ clothing and toys.

Media

• In her post titled Fuck you Disney princesses, Jenn talks about the effects the Disney princesses had on her as a developing girl.

• Rosepixie gives us an excellent critique of Dora the Explorer’s massive transformation from brave explorer to “pink, fashionable and girly”.

• Catherine Porter writes about raising brave princesses in a Disneyfied world, negotiating the minefield that is the influence of Disney princesses upon our daughters.

Pregnancy & Childbirth

• Shira Happlin has a lot to say about The Loss of Childbirth to Male Physicians. It’s a very old article, but much that she says is still very true and relevant today.

• In Birth & Babies, Jennifer Fink uses the world’s first live birth as a springboard to talk about lack of belief in ourselves and adequate support during labour.

Reproductive Freedom

• Sandy Maple writes about the insurance company who told a woman to get sterilised or they wouldn’t cover her, simply because she had had a previous Caesarean  and for her to have another wouldn’t be profitable for them.

Parenthood

• In the Hot Moms Club post Motherhood and Feminism, the writer talks about how parenthood has changed her feminism, and the realisation that she can be – and is – both a stay-at-home mother and a feminist.

• In Feminism, fathers and valuing parenthood, PhDinParenting discusses the need for society to recognise fathers as parents in the same way it does mothers, and how this would benefit all.

• Laurie writes that she is a Wanna-be Selfish Mom, talking about the ‘Mummy Guilt’ she feels when she does things for herself, and promising herself a little selfishness.

• Judith Warner writes about The Choice Myth, positing that for many women, the choice between being a ‘working mum’ and a ‘stay at home mum’ is not really a choice at all.

• And finally, Nikki gives us a list of 10 things you probably shouldn’t say to a teenage mum. It’s concerning that anyone might need to be told not to say these things, but I heard almost all of them myself!

That concludes this edition of the Carnival of Feminist Parenting. The next edition will be here at Mothers For Women’s Lib as usual, on Sunday 13th December. Get your submissions for next month’s Carnival in by Sunday 6th December using our carnival submission form. You can also submit articles by sending your link as a reply or DM on Twitter to @m4wl.

If you’d like to read the previous editions of the Carnival of Feminist Parenting, they can be found here – 1st | 2nd | 3rd | 4th | 5th – enjoy!

Welcome to the September 13 14, 2009 edition of the Carnival of Feminist Parenting. Sorry it’s late, I was finding it hard to type yesterday due to having decapitated my finger with a potato peeler (don’t ask).

There have been precisely two submissions this month which haven’t come from me – three if you count two people suggesting the same piece. The second piece which was suggested seems to have disappeared along with the blog it was posted on, unfortunately. I know I’ve gone on about this before, but it really is getting me down. If there aren’t a decent number of submissions this month, I am considering stopping the Carnival; there doesn’t seem much point in having a Carnival without submissions, and I feel a little like I’m shouting into a void.

That said, there are a lot of posts to look at in this month’s carnival because I’ve been bookmarking all of my own favourites. So here they are, enjoy the carnival – and please, please, if you write or read a post which you like and think would be relevant, submit it!

Annika and Amity both suggested The Incredible Vanishing Woman posted at Noble Savage.

“There is no such thing as Superwoman, or Supermum. We need to lose the martyr image and stop taking it all on for the sake of appearances or because our partners won’t lift a finger or because we think it’s “just what women do.” We should not be complicit in our oppression, in our degradation. The unhappiness,  the depression, the feelings of inadequacy and anger…these are all too common threads in the fabric of mothering. We are people with dreams and desires and needs. We are worthy of respect and authority and autonomy.”

And here are the posts I’ve found around the blogosphere over the past month.

So, What Is Feminist Mothering? posted at Feministe.

“So, “motherhood” is that patriarchal institution, essentially, and “mothering,” especially feminist mothering, is a more active, positive place from which to move.  I like this separation because it allows us to critique societal expectations of mothers without getting to a point where the only way out is to jettison being a mother altogether.  It suggests that, dammit, yes, mothering can be a feminist practice, it can be a creative practice, it can be a liberating practice – an expanding practice, as La Lubu suggests.”

It’s Not About Me also from Feministe.

“If you are an adult in my daughter’s life, know this: it’s not about me. It’s about her. If she comes to you about birth control, help her. Take her to Planned Parenthood. Give her condoms. If it means you have to take her to another state to help her get an abortion, because it’s what she needs and we live in a state with parental notification laws, then take her. Go with her, and hold her hand, and hug her afterwards, and make sure she has someone to talk to. Sure, you can tell her that she can talk to me – you can offer to help her do it. But if she doesn’t want to, if she’s scared or ashamed or just too overwhelmed, that’s OK. It’s more important that she gets what she needs than that I know about it.”

The misogyny of denying milk-making moms mental-health medication at Raising My Boychick.

“This is when, in a sane society, her physician or nurse would nod, draw on hir vast knowledge of and experience with medications appropriate for breastfeeding, and say “No problem, that only rules out a very few classes of drugs, there are lots of things we can try still.” Or, barring that, would reach for the copy of Hale’s zie keeps handy in hir office, or would call one of the many breastfeeding-knowledgeable pharmacists zie keeps on file as references. The woman and the health care provider she employs would then work together to pick a medication most appropriate for her particular situation.

That is not what usually happens. Too often (ever would be too often), the physician, upon hearing said disclosure, automatically replies “I don’t want to give you anything until you wean/terminate breastfeeding/stop doing that.”

There is so much wrong with this situation, I hardly know where to start.”

What timing! ACOG releases asshat statement also at Raising My Boychick.

“To my American hospital-birthing friends: you know this matters to you, whether you wanted food in labor or not, whether you were at an enlightened hospital or not; know also that it matters to me. To my American homebirthing- and birth-center-using-friends: it’s not enough to just escape the system. We aren’t all that lucky (approximately 12% of intended homebirths transfer in labor), and we don’t all want to. The system has to get better for when we need it, for when our sisters need it, for when our sisters want it. To my non-American or non-birthing friends: Birth rights are reproductive rights are human rights. What happens to one of us happens to all. As voz_latina says: “There can be no equality until all women have control over all aspects of our bodies. Birth, transition status, personhood.””

Just like athletics: exploring a childbirth analogy the last one in this edition from Raising My Boychick.

“One of the arguments used against “natural childbirth” is “we don’t allow people to be in pain in any other circumstance: why would we allow women to hurt in birth?” But it simply isn’t true, and the disproof brings me to one of my favorite childbirth analogies: athletics. The metaphor of birth as marathon has certainly been done before, but if you will indulge me, I wish to explore some of the specifically misogynistic implications of this particular assertion using this particular analogy once again.”

‘Inescapable Truths’: Working Mothers posted at Spinning Plates.

“The only objection I can see to women not staying at home with babies is when it comes to breastfeeding as something only women are biologically equipped to do. But even that objection has no substance once you examine it more closely. I agree that breastfeeding is undeniably easier if you don’t have to go straight back to work and deal with the headache of pumping. We are very lucky we have decent maternity leave provisions in the UK which mean many are able to stay at home long enough for their baby to have started some solids which helps. So yes, it is difficult but not impossible. It is a testament to the love and dedication breastfeeding working mothers feel for their children that they are willing to express, dash back to their child at lunchtime for a feed or reverse cycle and feed all night. If workplaces and employers were more flexible and we were able to bring our young babies to work, or we could cross-nurse this would not be an issue. But paid work outside the home and breastfeeding are not mutually exclusive.”

The meaning of beauty: learning to love my body again from Spinning Plates.

“Mirrors. Useful tools in which to check you’ve got your buttons done up before you leave the house, or something to approach with caution and never, ever naked? Where do you sit on the spectrum and if you’ve had a child(ren) has this changed? Once stretchmarks, breast changes, lost muscle tone, altered vagina or cesarean scars are taken into account it is a rare body which is left entirely unchanged by the experience of pregnancy and childbirth. How do we cope with these changes? Ought we to see motherhood as an affliction that has destroyed our bodies, opting to ‘fix’ the ‘damage’ with a ‘mummy tuck’ or gruelling diet and exercise regime?

Or could we view motherhood as an opportunity to reclaim our bodies and selves from the pernicious messages delivered by the media and fashion industries which tell us how to look, what to wear and above all to measure our worth in terms of an unattainable, airbrushed standard of perfection?”

Mental illness and maternity posted at Deccan Herald ‘She’.

“In India, a disabled girl-child is usually at the receiving end of a lot of contempt and neglect. Women with disabilities have been consistently denied their rights. In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court recently allowed a 19-year-old mentally challenged orphan girl to carry on with a pregnancy resulting from a sexual assault. The Punjab and Haryana High Court ruling had earlier ordered medical termination of pregnancy (MTP).”

Transformative Blogging: A Free Write on Pregnancy, Feminism, and the Internet posted at A Womyn’s Ecdysis.

“It has been through pregnancy that I see “Feminism” with new eyes and I see much more red than I ever saw before. Red bias, red intentions, red discrimination, red narrowness…I see red. Reproductive health rights are arrows pointing to the majority of heterosexual, young white women. Sexuality and spirituality are rarely explored as an interlaced relationship. The conferences change names, but still move in their same agenda. “Liberal” and “progressive” are thrown around without much depth and review. Blog wars still flare from time to time, roaming from appropriation to racism, but after a few months of quiet, you’ll still find the same bloggers rowing in the currents of mainstream thought and contributing to US-centric, heteronormative rhetoric that alientates and ostracizes “unpopular” issues like the fact WE ARE STILL AT WAR IN IRAQ, WE ARE NOT A POST-RACE SOCIETY BECAUSE WE HAVE A BI-RACIAL PRESIDENT, and the violence of poverty and rape still choke the life out of womyn everywhere in the world.”

Home births: ‘Buy some black bin liners’ posted at the Guardian.

“The nicest thing was after the birth I could have a bath in my own home, sit on the sofa, and watch TV with a cup of tea,” says Katrina Fox, 29, a full-time mother from Bournemouth who gave birth to her daughter Casia at home eight months ago. She joins a growing number of women who have decided to have a home birth. Though still only accounting for less than 3% of births in the UK, the Office of National Statistics shows there has been an 8% increase in the number of home births since 2006, and this figure is thought to be rising.”

Kids, Sex, & Gender posted at Women’s Glib.

“The other day I was on the playground with my campers, who are going into third grade, and the topic of pregnancy came up. Several of the kids were adopted, as was one of my co-counselors, so conversations about different kinds of families and how they are made had come up before, but never in this much detail.

I suddenly remembered that it is difficult to answer kids’ questions: they are blunt and persistent, having yet to be hushed by what society deems acceptable to discuss in polite company. How do we talk to children about immensely complicated issues, in language that’s simple enough to understand but doesn’t shed necessary intricacies and ambiguities?”

Mr. Mom posted at Shakespeare’s Sister.

“There’s no such thing as a “Mr. Mom.” Yes, I know—but hilarious ’80s movie starring Michael Keaton fighting a rogue vacuum cleaner aside, that role actually has a real name, which is “Dad.” (Or Father, Daddy, Pops, Old Man, Pater Familias, or some other variation thereof.) “Mr. Mom” implies that parenting (and/or cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, etc.) is only something women can do, which is factually incorrect.”

An ass out of you and me posted at The Hand Mirror.

“When people see me out and about with Wriggly they think I’m a stay at home mum, because I’m a woman and he’s little. When people see Wriggly’s dad out and about with him they almost always conclude he’s in paid work and having a day off.

Enlightened societal attitudes to sharing parenting? Nope, not there yet.”

Boy or girl? posted at Wallaby.

“I’ve been out of town supporting some friends while they had a baby.”
“Awwww. Was it a boy or a girl?”

I’ve had a great deal of trouble with this instant reaction. Is that really the most important thing you could think of to ask?

I usually just tell them the assigned sex* and leave it at that. I’ve called a couple of people out on their reaction: “Would you have said the same thing if I’d said [the other sex]?” The answer has always been “yes”, and I’ve been in situations where it hasn’t felt appropriate to go on and point out “well, why ask, then?”

Back To School: Corporal Punishment For Students posted at Womanist Musings.

“In Canada, corporal punishment has long since been outlawed but this is not the case in the United States.  As millions of children return to school they do so with the knowledge that along with new friends and lessons,that the paddle is also awaiting them.  Despite much documented evidence that spanking is bad, adults continue to be violent with children, in the false belief that it encourages them to  alter behaviour that we have deemed unpleasant or dangerous.  I have spoken at length about my own dances with the belt and the trauma that is caused but many today feel that because they were spanked and turned out fine, that violence against children is acceptable.”

Choice posted at PhD in Parenting.

“It is bad enough that the patriarchal society that we live in still limits women’s choices. But it is even worse when one woman looks down on another woman for the choices that she has made. That is why I will not and I cannot support any politician or any group, female or not, that seeks to limit the choices that women have. Especially when they themselves have benefitted from some of the choices that were available to them.”

The Gender Police is still alive and well posted at Viva La Feminista.

“She hasn’t told us so, but her camp counselor told my husband that the boys are teasing her about her hair. “You look like a boy!” is their main chant. This led to a discussion about teasing, boys and gender. Sadly I have to admit that we immediately think “What are those boys’ parents teaching them?” But I quickly recall that gendered expectations are pervasive in our sexist society. Girls|Boys, there is no in between.”

Singing the pink blues posted at Salon.

“At least this year, I thought, there will be no battles over whether Barbie and her wardrobe will inhabit our house, no pop-psych deconstructions of the Little Mermaid trading her voice for a husband. We won’t debate whether Power Rangers provide badly needed female action heroes or equal opportunity violence. It will be all Duplos, Play Doh and Beanie Babies.

But I was wrong.

As we assembled the farm set, we found that the father plugged into a round hole in the driver’s seat of the tractor but the mother — literally a square peg in a round hole — didn’t. And so it began.”

Child’s Play posted at Equally Shared Parenting.

“It’s a silly rhyme – not worth mentioning, right? In the grand scheme of ESP, probably not. But when our kids are subtlely buying into the idea that it’s perfectly normal for moms to do all the caregiving and dads to tune out the family, we’re setting up the next generation to unconsciously act out this age-old inequality (with both parents missing out on a lot of fun).”

Teaching children that domestic violence is bad is…bad? posted at We Mixed Our Drinks.

“Despite the fact that 89 per cent of people who experience repeat incidents of domestic violence are women, despite the fact that two women are killed every week by a male partner or former partner, despite the fact that one in four women will experience domestic violence and that it accounts for between 16 per cent and one quarter of all recorded crime, the Mail reckons schools shouldn’t teach children that it’s wrong, clearly because it’s part of an insidious feminist agenda which wants to see men removed from society altogether.”

In the Box – Gender Roles and Preschool posted by Cutiebootycakes at BlogHer.

“It is fascinating that despite living in a household where gender roles are not defined, this young man has already drawn a clear line in the sand regarding male and female roles. Sitting with my friend I theorized that perhaps he learned this at school. She’d previously described a little girl that claimed her son as “husband” and not only is he tasked with hugging her before leaving on a daily basis but they frequently play together in the kitchen. He sits at the table while she “cooks” him a meal. Again, these stereotypical gender roles are perplexing. All of the children in the class have mothers that work outside of the home and at least 90% are doctors – MD or PhDs. I mention this because these women are in powerful positions and yet the children still buy into the stereotypes.”

The Feminist Stockholm Syndrome & What You Owe Me posted at The Feminist Breeder.

“Somebody please raise your hand and explain to me who will be paying the taxes that will sustain this country if there are no future generations?  I really want to know.  If you think you’re so smart, explain to me who’s going to be wiping your ass at the nursing home, or finding a cure for your Alzheimer’s, or even driving the ambulance when you go into cardiac arrest, if there are no more people being born and taking up these jobs?  Who’s going to pay the taxes into the system that gives you EMTs, and police, and transportation, and Medicaid, and Social Security?  Do you think that when you’re 80, the 80 yr old next to you is going to be doing all these things?  Obviously not.  No, it’s probably going to be a 20-something year old; a child born years and years from now – maybe a child born to my children.  So clearly children are not obsolete. And wouldn’t you rather have healthy, happy children who were taken care of by their mothers/fathers and by society?  Wouldn’t you want the person in charge of curing your cancer to have those few extra IQ points and be in overall good health?   Well, you probably didn’t think that one through too well, did ya?”

Reproductive freedom and racial paranoia: or, why Melanie McDonagh can fuck right off posted at Penny Red.

“To which my response is: fuck. Right. Off. I’m not going to be told when and how and with whom I may breed, by anyone, thanks. My body is mine: it’s not a tool of your crumbling kyriarchy, it’s not a self-replicating node in your future white race, and it’s not a mute block to shore up a class structure contorting in the face of global migration. Fuck off with your misogynist frothings: I’m not anyone’s baby-making machine. I don’t care when I ‘should’ get pregnant. I’ll carry a child when I want, or not at all.”

Spoiling Our Daughters and Raising Our Sons: How We Are Unconsciously Raising Sexist Children posted at Soulbrother v.2.

“I now recognize the fallacy of my ways. And I must begrudgingly admit that there might be some grain of truth in her accusations. I am now actively trying to be more equitable in my treatment of my children. I am now actively trying to raise people—not men or women but people, people who think critically, who act not out of fear but out of rational thought, who are independent and confident in themselves and driven from within.”

And finally, Molly is looking for non-sexist/feminist children’s books over at Feminist Childbirth Studies.

“When we had our baby and started amassing books, I was quite frankly amazed and disturbed at how sexist so many children’s books are. Including books my progressive friends and I remember quite fondly, though vaguely or in gender-ideology-free snippets. Stuff I found myself unable to read aloud with the cheerful, engaging enthusiasm one attempts to inject into even the most exhausted of readings when one hopes to raise a lifelong book-lover. Mrs. Mallard gets the little ducky babies all nice and tidy to meet Dad after his big trip; Daddy drives Mommy and the kids to the grocery store and, wow, Daddy’s such a good driver; always with the pretty-and-nurturing women/girls and strong-and-active men/boys; the sort of repetitive crap that elicits eye-rolling and a sarcastic voice from me. What are feminist bookworm parents to do?”

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That concludes this edition, I really hope you’ve enjoyed it. As I said at the beginning, please please submit your blog article or one you’ve read and loved to the next edition of the Carnival of Feminist Parenting using our carnival submission form. The next edition will be posted on Sunday 11th October 2009 and the submission deadline is Sunday 4th October. Past posts and future hosts can be found on the Carnival home page.

Welcome to the August 16, 2009 edition of the Carnival of Feminist Parenting. Once again there weren’t many non-spam submissions, but never fear as I have been submitting many posts that I’ve found around the blogosphere over the past month, which has bulked the carnival out a little. So let’s get started.

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Jill presents Confronting the Gender Binary posted at Imagine Today.

“I was at the glitter station with my assistant, supervising the kids adding some sparkle to their collages when one kid decided he’d rather have some glitter on himself, specifically his pants. I was just about to say something in response to his exclamation of the phrase “Glitter Pants!” and subsequent sprinkling of glitter onto his pants when a parent volunteer who happened to be walking by beat me to the punch –

“Don’t do that,” she exclaimed, “you look like a girl!“

Out of all the possible responses she could have chosen she had to choose the one that places a (negative) value judgment on being a girl. Rather than learning that messing around with the glitter made a big mess and was annoying to all of the adults involved, what the kid took away from this exchange was that something he wanted to do (in this case, wearing glittery pants) was wrong not because it made a mess, but because it was somehow feminine.“

Ama Lee presents Personal Politics: An Interview with Rebecca Walker posted at Feminist Review.

“One Big Happy Family is for you, your neighbors, the Supreme Court, and your uncle Robert. It’s for anyone doing family differently than the way it’s done on TV or at their grandmother’s house. It’s for people who are making up their version of family as they go along, following love and their own longing for connection. One Big Happy Family is for those who refuse to let love be defined by anything other than the truth of its existence. It’s a kind of Dr. Spock for the millions of people living life off the nuclear, hetero-normative grid.”

Amy Sedgwick presents What does pride mean to you? posted at Red Tent Sisters.

“As I glance across the room at this new family unit celebrating mother’s day for the first time, a wave of deep gratitude comes over me that we live in a city and country that has allowed these three people, whom I adore, to choose each other and to love each other, as they are meant to. I then look at my daughter, who, in great part due to Anya and Tara, has fluid ideas about love, family, sexual orientation, and choice. And my heart swells with pride. When it comes to LGBTQ rights, we may have a long way to go, but I am infinitely grateful for how far we have already come.”

Gena presents Girly gamers posted at Deadly Stealth Frogs.

“The article touched a nerve with me, mostly because I have an eleven year-old daughter who has blossomed into quite the gamer geek.  Her favorite games right now are Super Smash Bros. Brawl, one of the Pokemon games (I don’t remember which one since there are about a dozen of them) and Pikmin.  Most of her friends play at least one of these games as well, which leads to the question: why is there a need for video games marketed directly to young girls, and why must they involve the most lamest of themes? Over a third of gamers identify themselves as female, clearly this is not a reluctant market desperately in need of tapping.  Are there really a few girls or women out there who are thinking to themselves “Gee, I’d really like to get into this video gaming trend, but there are so few games out there that appeal to what really interests me–clothes and makeup!” If that’s the case, please identify yourselves so that you may be actively avoided by the rest of polite society.”

Three from Ellen Keim at Femagination – The Feminist Imagination Blog:

What I’ve Learned About Being a Mother

“4. If you are yourself, you will embarrass your children. If you try to act like them, you will embarrass your children. No matter what you do, you embarrass your children.
5. Keep a detailed journal. Your stories will never jibe with your children’s versions and it’s good to have proof.
6. You will not have time to keep a journal.
10. You will never again be lonely. Or alone. Even in the bathroom.“

Why More Mothers Aren’t Feminists

“These reasons why mothers aren’t feminists fall into two main categories: insecurities about themselves and their children’s futures and a feeling that feminists are not interested in their fate. The ironic thing is, the majority of women who start out as feminists end up being mothers. What happens to their feminist ideology and identity then? Is it like losing your religion? Can’t you be a card-carrying feminist and a mother, too? We need to hear more from those mothers and childless feminists need to give more thought to their own futures. Even if they don’t want to have children, what kind of lives do they want for their “sisters” who do?”

Taking Motherhood Seriously

“One thing that feminism has achieved has been a universalizing of the importance of parenthood. Fathers have benefited from the privileges that women have been awarded. Time off for new parenthood is now available to both sexes. (Even though, in most instances, it is not paid time off—America’s record in this area is abysmal compared to other countries.) Ideally, both sexes would always benefit from things like quality and affordable day care, decent pay, flexible hours, and family leave. But as long as women are the primary caregivers—not just of children, but of the ill and the elderly as well—they deserve special dispensations that men may not get. If we’re not going to pay mothers for the services they provide, then let’s at least take them seriously and give them what they need to do the job.”

Molly presents breastfeeding, sexism, and feminism posted at Feminist Childbirth Studies.

“The point is that it seems easy to miss the forest for the trees here. Breastfeeding can end up contributing to resentment and being stuck in an unwanted domestic role because caregiving is gendered feminine and wildly undervalued in our society, and because we live in a capitalist culture that doesn’t give a shit about people, and because our culture tells us that pregnant women and mothers are public property and can be guilt-tripped, judged, and corrected by whomever pleases (and therefore often make ‘choices’ in a social context that undermines genuine and confident decision-making), and because a lot of people are grossed out by the idea of a woman feeding her child from her breast in public, rather than because of anything inherent to breastfeeding itself. All of that crap is what’s “antifeminist”–not breastfeeding itself.”

And, as seems to be the tradition with this carnival so far, a whole bunch of submissions from me:

Is a Woman in Labor a “Person”? New Assaults on Pregnant Women’s Civil Rights in a NJ Case posted at Huffington Post.

“In the case, New Jersey Division of Youth and Family Services v. V.M. and B.G., the New Jersey appellate court found that V.M. and B.G. had abused and neglected their child, based on the fact that the mother, V.M., refused to consent to a cesarean section and behaved erratically while in labor. The mother gave birth vaginally without incident, and the baby was “in good medical condition.” Then she was never returned to her parents, and the judge in the case approved a plan to terminate their parental rights and give custody of the child to foster parents. What, beyond the obvious, is wrong with this picture?”

Pregnant Women As Incubators posted at Kittywampus.

“If we start forcibly hospitalizing expectant mothers who smoke, we’re going to need to expand hospitals like we’ve expanded prisons. That’s going to be interesting when pandemic flu drives up the demand for beds. What will we say? “There’s no room in the hospital. We’re full up with pregnant smokers.”

I’ve been following the debates over “fetal rights” for almost 20 years now, and this case is one of the scariest yet. If pregnant women were treated like Samantha Burton, they’d routinely be reduced to mere incubators. The people-growing pods from The Matrix look positively benign by comparison.”

Is Feminist Motherhood An Oxymoron? posted at Single Spaced.

“The fact that I have never been able to coalesce my ideas as a feminist and my ideas as a mom has really driven home the point of how necessary it is to be a consciously feminist parent. This definitely also speaks to the feeling that feminism largely ignores issues that mothers face. The truth of the matter is, mothers are devalued in every practical sense in American culture, and mothers of color are often demonized. The “Mommy Wars” still have lots of pull in the media and there are still books coming out on both sides women who actually have a choice between working or staying at home — NOW, say, thirty years after second wave feminism. Also of note: when a white mom doesn’t work and raises her children all day, she’s being a good mom, but when a brown mom does the same, she’s lazy and neglectful.”

That Thing Shall Not Be Mentioned posted at Rosie Land.

“As time has passed (both boys are now almost at school age) I realise that the more people I talk to, the more similar situations appear. Many mothers appear to be immediatley excluded as ‘viable candidates’ by recruiters or mothers have somewhat changed their goals and no longer want what they wanted prior to having kids.

The only options many of us mummies have is to go it alone or opt for unchallenging minimum wage work that doesn’t even cover childcare costs…what’s the point in that? You may as well take it easier and have the opportunity to see your kids grow up.

Some of us desperately try to hide our maternity gaps in our CVs. Others are blatantly stubborn and proud and mark out these lovely times in bold.

It’s a really shame that it happens. (And I could go on…) The disappointing part is that no one seems to talk about it. Many people see blatant discrimination happen, but choose to stay quiet. I’ve been mostly quiet – till now of course!”

De-Feminizing the Decision to Work posted at Equally Shared Parenting.

“It’s a brave new gender-bending world!

But yet, it isn’t. Even with these role switches becoming more common, the questions our culture asks women are still built on old assumptions. Will she work or stay home? Does she work because she wants to or because she has to? Can she find a job that gives her enough flexibility now that she’s a mother? We don’t ask these questions of men – still. Even as men are being laid off at rates far exceeding women’s lay-offs, our culture still considers the work/life puzzle to be mainly one that a woman must try to solve – either by finding a way to stay in the workforce full-time, downsizing her career, or staying home. All while society expects a man to march on in his usual breadwinning mission…until some outside force (maybe a lay-off, or perhaps the overwhelming logic of a wife with a far bigger paycheck) stops him.”

Why Can’t Boys Wear (Insert Color Here)? posted at Stop, Drop and Blog.

“When he came home from school on Thursday, I asked him if everyone in his class wore purple. He said, “No, just K.” (I also know that another girl had purple on but it wasn’t a “true” purple, more of a fuchsia, so it may have confused him.) Some background info about his class: three girls, eight boys. And, so, similar to last month, he was the only boy sporting the color of the month.

This drives me somewhat insane.

Why do we need to teach boys as young as three that they can’t wear certain colors? Why do we need them to be macho at such a young age? Should I have dressed him in navy blue and sent him to school grunting instead? Thankfully it sounds like no teasing occurred. But will it next year (he’ll be in the same class)? Or the following year when he moves up to the older class? When will he learn from other kids that “real men” don’t wear pink?”

Slap Fighting the Pink Posse posted at Pacing The Panic Room.

“People have asked, “what’s so incredible about not knowing? It seems stupid not to be prepared.” and I would always follow that up with, “prepared for what?” and the closest thing I ever received as an answer (beyond dying from curiosity), was so that we knew what color of clothes to buy for the child. Really!? Now, I promise I don’t mean this in any nasty offensive mean-spirited way, but that’s a pretty fucking stupid reason for finding out the sex of the baby. Honestly. But hey- that’s just me. I know that it’s vitally important to some people, and we are all different kinds of crazy and neurotic so I’m not judging anyone’s brand of lunacy, just laying mine out there and stating that I thought it was kind of absurd. What it did do, was get me thinking, and opened up many a discussion about gender roles and all of the things that we did not want to do to this baby, whether it be a boy or a girl. We started a kind of mental punch list of things that we would not project onto the baby, specifically Cole and I really opened up about how we felt about everything from the wearing of pink on girls – to boys being given footballs and jerseys before they could even hold their heads up. And it was made very clear how I felt about dressing little baby girls in ridiculous frilly foo-foo fairy princess clothes. I flat out forbid it. I don’t want it in our house, I do not want her to ever think that she is supposed to wear these things or she is weird. I am quite aware as she gets older, and develops tastes, and wants, and interests of her own that I will most likely have to endure some type of fairy princess phase, and I am fine with that. I will shower her with whatever kind of ridiculous play or fantasy that she wants to engage in. However just like I wont be cramming religion down her throat when she’s 2, I’m not filling her room with lace and fluff and painting the walls pink until the days comes that she requests it.”

Pregnancy and Body Image posted at BlogHer.

“I recognize that irony is at work here: almost every single issue of these magazines features photos of celebrities that are criticized for their bodies’ sizes. So while I’m hustling to keep my weight within a healthy range, there’s nothing like seeing a picture of thin Eva Langoria in Us telling people that she’s not pregnant, “just fat,” now that she has a barely detectable belly bulge. In that same issue, Us blasted the exceptionally thin female stars of the new 90210 show for being dangerously thin. What seems to be acceptable these days is a fine line – I think women are permitted to be a designer size 2 or 4 (which runs smaller than the size 2 or 4 you or I might find in a place like Ann Taylor or Wal-Mart), but certainly not below that and absolutely, under no circumstances, should they dare be above it. Is it any wonder that women and girls of all ages have severe body issues?

The one group of women I always hope are extra-exempt from these ridiculous expectations are pregnant women. It’s bad enough that “mainstream” society expects women to be belly-less, hip-less, butt-less, and thigh-less (with standards of beauty varying among different cultures, but often no more attainable for the average woman), but no one would hold a pregnant woman to these standards, right? Wrong. In August, several media outlets ran headlines about the widespread phenomena about women who refuse to gain weight during pregnancy.”

More Than a Traumatic Birth posted at TrueBirth.

“Childbirth is regarded as the most painful episode of a woman’s life, but also the most joyful. When women speak of a traumatic birth experience, most assume it to be an extremely painful event, or that something necessitated an emergency situation. For some, that is all the traumatic event is; 12 hours of tortuous labor with a supportive person by their side. Or a drop in the baby’s heart rate that sends everyone scrambling to get him out before he’s harmed. But for some, the traumatic event goes much deeper.

Sometimes women are held down while pleading to be let go; having vaginal exams forced on them; and their waters broken without giving consent. Some women call this Birth Rape, because it can be such a violent act that centers on their genitals, without their permission. The term is shocking, and upon hearing the stories of these women who have been assaulted, it is accurate.”

Dana’s Take: Not Just a Girl posted at Green Pixels.

“But I do know that as the parent of a daughter, I’ll be actively steering her away from games like this once she’s old enough to start playing them. Frankly, I find all the pink and shiny and rhinestone action combined with shopping and makeup and hair-centric activities pretty repulsive — I feel like it reinforces this unhealthy emphasis on external appearances and consumption being of the utmost importance. Lord help me if she comes to me and wants to play them.

Hopefully, however, if I’m giving her a steady stream of fun games to play — games like Mario Kart and Lego Star Wars and Flower and Viva Pinata — she won’t be running for the shopping simulators. As Amanda pointed out to me, those games may get tween girls playing games, but it’s not going to turn them into gamers. If this genre is all they know, then once they outgrow it, they’ll quit playing altogether. Girls who grow up playing “real” games, on the other hand, will be more likely to keep gaming.“

Can You Be a Feminist At-Home Mom? posted at Eclectic Muddlehood.

“Women need to begin paying close attention to this concept.  We need to actually choose.  And, pardon the terribly corny cultural reference, choose wisely.  In my opinion, a feminist is a self-aware woman.  A feminist is a woman who has taken the time to be introspective, to examine her core values carefully and make mindful choices that allow her to live her truth on a daily basis and support those who do the same.  What does this woman look like?  She comes in countelss varieties.  She may look like a career woman who has decided that the calling she feels to her work outside the home is the best way to honor her true self and set a powerful example for her children about following their dreams.  She may look like an at-home mother who feels that her true self is found in her devotion to the daily growth and development of her children.  She may be an atheist.  She may be a Biblical Christian.  She may be an ardent liberal.  She may be a staunch conservative.  She may forego politics altogether.  She may cook a four course meal for her family every night.  She may be on a first name basis with the take out delivery person.   She may have no children at all.  She may have twenty.  If she has consciously chosen her path, believes she is honoring her calling in life with all her heart and is striving to mindfully live her truth to the best of her ability every day of her life, then in my book– she’s a feminist.”

Tragic Loss of AZ State Treasurer’s Wife and Newborn Son Brings Home Reality of Maternal Mortality posted by Kristin Davis at Empowher.

“Nearly 600 women in the US die in childbirth each year. Back in the 1980’s and 90’s, maternal mortality was at a steady rate of 7 to 8 deaths for every 100,000 live births. According to the CDC, this rate increased to 12 to13 maternal deaths for every 100,000 live births in 2004. This rise of maternal deaths could correlate with the fact that more women are having children later in life, as well as the fact that there are more births by C-section which involve more risks.

Doctors don’t like to talk about losing patients, and the risk of dying while giving birth is an especially scary topic that is most often avoided. When Arizona State Treasurer Dean Martin publicly announced the death of his wife and newborn son just a couple of hours ago, he did not touch on the cause of their deaths. Instead, he mentioned that what had happened with his wife and son during the birth was a rare occurrence and that expectant women shouldn’t be worried. But with our country’s maternal death rate increasing, it would appear that we should be worried. And talking about it.”

Why boys don’t wear pink, and why girls do posted at Hobo Mama.

“I’m going to agree with the idea that gender is much more complicated than just clothing since it’s so bound up in all things cultural. Colors and styles can’t have an innate and immutable meaning or there would not be such variation across cultures and over time (long hair perfect for men vs. short hair the only legitimate option, white for mourning vs. white for weddings, makeup for everyone vs. only for women, etc.) Instead, we learn the rules in a hundred different ways, starting from that first appropriately hued blanket wrapped around us at birth. At least within my own (sub)culture, there are also religious aspects to how we raise our children to be acceptably gendered, and then there are just routine and unexamined aspects. We reach for the blue romper for the boy without questioning, and we coo over the dress with the pink flowers for the girl.”

Some Cautious *Good* News on Forced Cesareans posted at Kittywampus.

“Harding notes that the appellate court did uphold termination of V.M.’s parental rights, and that this would likely not have happened if her refusal of a c-section hadn’t already been framed as negligence and triggered scrutiny by the state. But once V.M. and B.G. were in the system, no court could ignore evidence of their unfitness. The couple failed to show up for a custody hearing, a psychologist was allegedly assaulted during a home visit, and another psychiatrist eventually found V.M. to be suffering from paranoid schizophrenia for which she refused medication. For these reasons, the appellate court ruled that the baby belonged in foster care. Harding is agnostic about whether the higher court decided correctly, and I agree that we don’t know enough to judge the case, ourselves.

But reporters and bloggers need to acknowledge that this case isn’t solely about forced cesareans. In our zeal to defend reproductive rights, it doesn’t help to fudge the facts. We can condemn the doctors and the lower court for violating V.M.’s basic right to bodily integrity and autonomy. At the same time, we can and should celebrate the appellate court’s clear judgment, which reaffirms that women enjoy those basic rights  – even when they’re pregnant.”

It takes a village to raise a child posted at PhD in Parenting.

“I hear a lot of people say, I couldn’t possibly do attachment parenting because I’m a working mom or I couldn’t possibly do attachment parenting because I have to use day care. I don’t think that is true at all. For me personally, the fact that I am a working mom makes me feel it is even more important to practice attachment parenting because it makes it easier to create the strong bond I want to have with my children despite the fact that I have less time with them than a stay at home mom does.

But, I couldn’t be an attached mom if it was all on my shoulders. I think when people practicing attachment parenting get burned out, it is because they are trying to do too much alone. It takes some work to create a village, especially in our very nuclear family based society. But I think it is worth it in the end. If you don’t have family nearby, seek out friends that can be part of your village.”

An apology to my present self from the former posted at Noble Savage.

“I didn’t know that I didn’t have to be a complete douchebag to be a parent. I also didn’t realise just how hard it is. “Controlling” a child is a completely laughable and utterly stupid expression. I should no more assume I can control my child than I can control my husband, or him me. Children are people, fully fledged human beings with feelings, thoughts and impulses and they are LEARNING. They are learning and exploring and testing and growing and we should be there just to make sure they don’t kill themselves or someone else in the process. When’s the last time mass chaos, murder and mayhem erupted from an incidence of running in a library for three minutes? Where is the erosion of society’s moral fabric in something so demonic as singing loudly in a grocery store? Isn’t it silly, all these expectations and pressure we place not only on parents to control but on children, to be controllable?

So, Former Self, get off your high-horse, you impetuous, stupid, arrogant girl. And next time you see a kid running in public, his mother charging around behind trying to “control” the situation while you stare and tut, give yourself a punch in the face and then get up off your imperious ass and go give her a hand. At the very least, stick a leg out so the kid trips and she can catch him.”

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That concludes this edition. Remember, this carnival can’t exist without YOU! So please, please submit your (or someone else’s!) blog post or article to the next edition of the Carnival of Feminist Parenting using our carnival submission form. The next edition will be posted on Sunday 13th September, so the submission deadline will be Sunday 6th September. Past posts and future hosts can be found on the Carnival Home Page. Thanks for reading, folks!