July 20, 2009

Rape & Sexual Violence – Another Reason for PHSE in Schools

Posted by Annika under education, gender stereotypes, general public, violence | Tags: , , , |
[4] Comments 

TRIGGER WARNING: This article may cause some upset to survivors of rape and sexual violence. It may cause some upset to all readers.

Womankind is currently in support of PHSE of becoming part of the national curriculum.
“This is an exciting and excellent opportunity to get lessons on healthy relationships, gender stereotypes and violence against women into the school curriculum. To ensure that young people receive education to prevent violence against women. It is really important that there is a positive response to this consultation. (Apparently there have been 16,000 negative responses!)”

Hannah White
UK Policy Manager @Womankind

(There is an online questionnaire for this, so if you want to show your support in on young people having PSHE, here’s the link: https://qca.custhelp.com/cgi-bin/qca.cfg/php/enduser/doc_serve.php?&5=46)

An example of why we need Personal Social Health Economic Education in schools? Here you go.

Dispatches: Rape In the City – Anybody watch this? It was on Channel 4, Monday 22nd June, at 8pm.

I watched it, I had to. I wanted to get a glimpse into the teenage world, and learn a little more about what they are facing.

Gang rape and lots of it.

I was horrified by this. Not because I had no idea such things happen, but because I didn’t realise to what extent. Girls are being ‘punished’ by boys through rape and sexual assault. Also, let’s not forget the part some girls play in encouraging these boys to rape.

Young girls are threatened with knives, beaten and gang raped, sometimes for hours, sometimes recorded on mobile phones. Young girls organising rapes to fit in with gangs, and also out of fear the same might happen to them. The attitudes the boys had towards girls and sex were appalling to say the least. One girl had been invited around to a friend’s house; on the understanding they were going to watch a DVD together. Instead, she had found he had invited round some friends who then raped her. She was tricked.

Another girl witnessed a gang rape at a party, but walked away because she was scared it might happen to her. She said “There was just loads of boys and the girl’s tights were ripped up, like, she was bleeding as well, because I think she was a virgin, and they were just taking turns on her basically, and she was crying, and I didn’t get involved because I thought if I get involved they’re gonna turn on me.”

According to some of the girls interviewed for this programme, teenage boys don’t understand what rape is.

This is not the first time I have seen something like this.

On the F Word blog earlier this year was the following: http://www.thefword.org.uk/blog/2009/01/sexual_bullying

And this:  https://mail.bswaid.org/go/http://www.thefword.org.uk/blog/2009/02/slut_shaming_in

Who is to blame here?

Teenagers? Well they have to learn such behaviour and attitudes from somewhere, surely? And it can’t be about what they are wearing, wearing a hoodie doesn’t make you a rapist.

What about parents? We can only teach our children what we can, but we can’t always control what they learn when they are out and about, can we? Our children can be just as affected by society as we are.

Or school? Shouldn’t PSHE involve some form of sex education, and maybe something about respectful relationships?

We need to be making a difference for children and young people. It frightens me that this is something my daughter could be exposed to or experience, as this is her generation. It frightens me that if I have a son, he might think this behaviour is acceptable, because his friends say so. Teens hurting other teens in this way is incredibly wrong, and it has to stop.

Colleagues of mine deliver a domestic violence programme in schools, as part of PSHE. They talk about domestic violence, good and bad feelings, positive relationships, bullying etc. They deliver this programme in primary schools and secondary schools, teaching through activities which encourage all to take part. They also go in at break times, giving children the opportunity to come and speak to them in a ‘safe surgery’ about anything that might be worrying them. Disclosures are made, and my colleagues work with teachers to make sure any necessary steps are taken, and the child is safe. This is for domestic violence, and it works well.

Now, the same awareness needs to be raised on sexual violence.

Schools need to teach our children about sexual violence and sexual harassment. They need to know what is and isn’t acceptable. They need to know what rape is. They need to know what sexual assault is. This is important for both girls and boys. Boys need to know that it is unacceptable to treat girls and young women with such disrespect. Girls need to know this isn’t ‘normal’ and it is not acceptable to help organise something which harms another person in this way. It isn’t something you ‘allow’ because you want to be popular. That isn’t a real choice, surely?

The Dispatches programme mentioned teenage girls agreeing to oral sex with two or three boys, and then ordered to ‘have sex’ with six or seven. Otherwise known as rape.

Maybe raising awareness of sexual violence in schools isn’t going to ‘fix’ the ‘problem’. But it’s a start, and it’s got to make some kind of difference.

 

May 30, 2009

First Time Mum

Posted by Annika under birth, breastfeeding, gender stereotypes, introduction, post-natal depression, pregnancy, the "terrible mum" complex
[10] Comments 

You want to know something?

 I never really got motherhood, before I had my baby a month ago. Even when I was pregnant, it was hard to think of ‘us’ as opposed to ‘me’.  I had all sorts of ideas of what I would and wouldn’t feel, and where I would fit in the world.

I’m probably stating the obvious here, but being a mum is hard work.

I never for one second thought it would be easy, but it is so much harder than I first thought.

I was so determined to breastfeed, ‘breast is best’ and all that. I wanted my baby to get the best start; breastfeeding has so many benefits for babies. Had visions of me bonding with my daughter while she fed, and loved that very idea of closeness. I tried, and failed miserably. Although she had fed while we were in hospital, she didn’t feed so well when we came home. I didn’t know and thought she was feeding. My midwife came out a few days later and weighed my daughter; she had lost loads of weight, more than expected. I felt like a terrible, terrible mum. My baby had been hungry, and I hadn’t known. I felt so guilty, and had failed her. The midwife tried to give more support with breastfeeding, but my confidence had been knocked and my heart wasn’t in it. I had already failed and let my child down. So what did I do? Straight onto formula and haven’t looked back since.

I wish it had gone better, I wish I had stuck to it and given it another go. The guilt from my little one not feeding was too much, I didn’t trust myself to try it again as I might do it wrong again.

I always assumed I’d get a big rush of love the first time I held my child. I didn’t. I thought maybe it was because I was tired, or a bit sore; the ‘love’ will come after I had a good rest. It didn’t.  The only thing I felt was guilt and numbness. Guilty because I didn’t have the ‘love’ and wasn’t successful with the breastfeeding. Numb because none of this was expected, and I didn’t know how else to feel. I felt suddenly overwhelmed with motherhood, and wondered if I would even measure up to other mums. I wondered if my inexperience showed when the midwife, health visitor or any other kind of visitor saw me with my daughter.  I felt like there was something very wrong with me, because I didn’t have the ‘love’, and I wasn’t expecting that. My partner seemed to have bonded with our daughter almost immediately, but I hadn’t.  And this made absolutely no sense to me, because seeing as I had carried her and then pushed her out; I would have thought I would have had no problem with bonding with my child. Wrong.

I spoke to the midwife who assured me that most women feel like this after childbirth. Apparently, it’s more common than we think; it’s just that nobody talks about it. She mentioned baby blues, and Postnatal Depression, and asked me if she would like me to mention it to the health visitor. She offered to book a counselling session for me, to see if it would help. Suddenly, I didn’t feel such a crappy mum for feeling all this. Big weights off my shoulders, well, some of it anyway.

It’s been 4 weeks since I had my daughter, and so much has changed.

Motherhood is hard work and demanding, the days go fast and I hardly get a moment’s peace. My daughter is growing so fast, it is hard to believe it and take it in. The feelings of love are coming slowly, the bonding has definitely started to happen, and I’m starting to feel a little more confident as a mother. I think a lot of my anxieties were caused by my idea of how a mum should be, and whether or not I would actually measure up to it. I didn’t want to let my midwife down or the health visitor down. I didn’t want anyone to look at me and think “She’s a shit mum.” I’m not afraid to ask for help when I need it, but didn’t want people thinking I couldn’t cope and shouldn’t be a mum.

I wasn’t expecting to feel any of this, and I wish we had been told about this in the antenatal classes.

But I’ve now come to the conclusion I won’t let other people’s expectations of a mother,  get in the way of what kind of mother I want to be. I will try not to put any pressure on myself to be or feel a certain way. I’m new at this; it’s a learning curve, and a whole new journey in my life.

I’m a feminist mum; this is a whole new concept to me. I will try and be the kind of mum I want to be, not the kind of mum society tells me I should be.  There is a difference, and I will remember this the next time I feel crappy.

Sorry for rambling on, I just wanted to share my experience so far.

 

April 8, 2009

Domestic Violence and Pregnancy

Posted by Annika under pregnancy, violence
[10] Comments 

Were you asked about domestic violence, when you were pregnant?

I wasn’t.

My doctor didn’t ask me, when I had told her the news. At the booking clinic, it was never mentioned, not even when I was alone with the midwife. A pregnancy support worker offered all sorts of help, but domestic violence support wasn’t there. When I went to the hospital for both my scans, it was never approached by anybody. I changed midwife, after moving home, and as great as the new one is, she has yet to ask me about domestic violence. It’s not been raised in my antenatal or relaxation class, and my midwife didn’t ask me the other day when she visited me at home. In fact, I am almost 37 weeks pregnant now, and nobody has asked me the big question.

I mean, I’m not experiencing domestic violence. But they don’t know that if they don’t ask me, do they?

30% of domestic violence either starts or escalates during pregnancy. Yes, you read that right.

Here’s another one for you. One in five midwives knows one of their expectant mothers is experiencing domestic violence. In fact, one in five midwives sees at least one woman a week, who she suspects is experiencing domestic violence.

Domestic violence increases the risk of miscarriage, infection, premature birth, low birth weight, foetal injury and foetal death.

When you read domestic violence, don’t just think about the physical aspect of it. That’s just one part of it. You have to include emotional, mental, sexual and financial abuse as well, all of which a woman could be experiencing, if in a violent relationship. You don’t have to be experiencing all of it, to be affect ted by domestic violence. How about if this pregnancy is unwanted? You were raped and forced to conceive, and this pregnancy is just another way the perpetrator has demonstrated power over you? What if you wanted this baby, but every time the partner hits you, the bump becomes the target?

And when you go to the midwife, you may have a few minutes alone, there’s your chance to tell, but you are too scared. Or you don’t know what to say. Or if she will care. Or will he find out? Be so much easier if she asked wouldn’t it? As a routine question, of course, considering how domestic violence could affect your health and your baby. Be so much easier to answer a question, than to start that sentence.

But I wasn’t asked. Made me wonder how many other women aren’t asked. How many of those women are experiencing domestic violence? I know I’m not, but I would have like to be asked. Because mine could be a life that could be lost. Remember, two women are killed a week by a current or ex partner.

Just because I’m not displaying the stereotypical black eye, does not mean I am not getting raped at home, or forced to do sexual acts I don’t want to do. Just because I turn up to all my appointments, does not mean I’m not being timed, and if I’m too long I will get it. Whatever ‘it’ might be. Just because I’m pregnant, don’t assume I’m happy with it and wasn’t forced to conceive. I should be asked, as every woman should be asked, if I am experiencing domestic violence. I could be in that 30% and my child could be at risk.

You know what I did, when I went to my second hospital appointment? I went into the toilets and stuck helpline stickers on the back of the doors. I had some leaflets with me, which I left in the waiting area. I figured that if it wasn’t safe for a woman to pick up a leaflet, when she goes to the toilet (for that inevitable urine sample) she can have safe access to a helpline number. A free helpline number. A woman affected by domestic violence may see that number and call it. She may never call it. She may mesmerise it, and call it in 6 months. She may give it to a friend or family member, who might call it. Point is it’s there. Much better than it not being there at all.

Knowing that 30% of domestic violence starts or increases during pregnancy, and I haven’t been asked about domestic violence once, is frightening. This could be the one opportunity where someone could help. I may not know of Women’s Aid, or Refuge, or that the perpetrator’s behaviour towards me is anything other than ‘normal’. My life and my child’s life could be at risk. It isn’t, but my midwife doesn’t know that if she doesn’t ask, does she?

Further information on domestic violence: www.womensaid.org.uk www.refuge.org.uk

 

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