Comments on: The question that hurts

By: Craphead (aka Mommy) :: None of your beeswax :: November :: 2009

Craphead (aka Mommy) :: None of your beeswax :: November :: 2009 — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 18:33:37 +0000

[...] "So when are you going to have number 2 (or 3)," which is usually asked when the first gets to be about a year old, but is sometimes asked even sooner. For more insight on this particular question, check out The Question that Hurts. [...]

By: blue milk

blue milk — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 10:38:02 +0000

Thought-provoking post. And my heart goes out to you for the grief you’re experiencing over potentially losing the chance to have more children. I know when we faced that for a time it really really hurt.

By: Emily

Emily — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 19:25:43 +0000

I’ve always wanted to have the gumption to answer questions like that with a Miss Manners sort of approach, or to go full on rude.

Miss Manners, when someone asks if you’re trying: “Oh, gosh, I’m sure I misheard you. Yes, the weather IS lovely today, isn’t it?” (aka willful ignorance)

When someone asks how you conceived: “We’re so flattered that you have such an interest in our son! Rest assured – we’re happy to announce his birth. We do not at this time have plans to announce his conception.”

And what I have always wanted to do when someone asks if you’re having another or any at all or anything, is just burst into tears and say “I just miscarried this morning” or something just to make them feel horrible.

By: Jemima Aslana

Jemima Aslana — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 18:54:40 +0000

This was a really powerful post. Absolutely worth a read twice over.

I’ve always made sure to be very careful not to ask people when the child will come along. But I never truly realised that it might also be hurtful to even ask if there’ll be a child along. Of course with people whom you know well, it’s a little more safe to ask, but this whole idea that man+woman=immediate child needs to stop.

My boyfriend and I met at work. And in order to nip any gossip at the bud, we announced our relationship fairly early on. We’d been an item, not living together or anything, for no more than a few weeks when we went public with being an item. The immediate question was: So… will there be children? Dude! We’ve been together for mere weeks! Seriously?!?!? Who would in all earnestness be planning children after such a short time? Do people even think before they ask?

gadgetgal, that’s a really sad story. I feel for your sister. That must have been such a terrible thing to go through.

Also, your colleague’s comeback to that question was absolutely fab. I wish I could deadpan it like that. I’d probably have responded with “What? You think we only have sex once a year or something? How the hell would I know?” But then again, I’m brash like that.

By: gadgetgal

gadgetgal — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 16:30:01 +0000

First I just have to say this is an excellent website – I don’t have children but I would very much like to and this is a great resource for feminist mums, so I thought I’d read up on the issues.

My experience with this kind of thing has been pretty bad – I had a couple of abortions when I was younger, and then I miscarried twice later on when I was older. I stopped trying for a bit because nothing was happening (too much pressure on myself, I think) and I got married this past summer so that took a lot of my attention anyway. I am trying again now so fingers crossed! But since I’ve been married I’ve been asked by loads of people (my bosses, my husband’s parents, close friends, fair weather friends, people I’ve only just met, etc. etc.) when I’ll be trying for one.

First, I consider it rude to ask about another person’s sex life, especially if you don’t really know them, and that’s what this is. One of my colleagues got asked once “Where was your daughter conceived?” and she answered “Do you just need the name of the place or would you like the position as well?”. But second, it’s also quite painful – I don’t know if I can, and I don’t need to be reminded of it by strangers or people I’m not that fond of. It’s the way they stand there staring when they’ve asked, too – I can’t just laugh and not answer, they’ve pretty much demanded I tell them, and they feel as though they’re entitled to know!

I don’t know, maybe I just need to suck it up a little, but when my sister’s baby died a number of years ago (her first, we didn’t know if she would be able to have any more either but I’m glad to say she went on to have another two) it occurred to me that people don’t know the reasons why a person doesn’t have a child – it might be something very tragic that they don’t need bringing up. She might have had to suffer other people (including my other sister) giving birth almost immediately after this happened (which isn’t anyone’s fault, not hers or theirs), but we could all hold our tongues and not make it any worse!

Anyway, hope I didn’t bring too much of a downer to the posting

By: turtleandthewren

turtleandthewren — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 12:15:18 +0000

Oh yes, this is bugging me too at the moment. I really like that you frame it as a feminist issue.
My personal reasons for not having a second child yet are complicated, relating to my own personal head space and also the fact that my son has a genetic condition. Not stuff which is easily explained to others. Not stuff which anyone has a right to ask about.
It is interesting that there is a socially acceptable age gap between children. Anything less than 18 months seems to require explanation, as does more than about 2.5 years. Geez, why does it matter so much and why do so many people take it upon themselves to enforce it through social pressure? Ah yes, it’s our womanly duty. And embedded in it is the assumption that we’re all in stable, hetero nuclear families – and that’s all we should want.

By: verdant1

verdant1 — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 00:39:16 +0000

Having had unplanned twin boys, my husband has a great repsonse for those who ask “planning anymore kids?” – “We weren’t planning these ones”. No one has yet come up with a way of following through on that one. Working in the female-dominated, social part of the public service meant that he probably got as many, if not more, enquiries than I did.
I must admit that all the quips about “trying for a set of girls” did get rather up my nose (as well as blinking repetitive).
These days, as a school mum, I do sometimes get asked about having more kids but given it’s from women I know who are effectively my peer group it bothers me much less than the stranger on the street thing which always seemed unnecessarily intrusive. Fortunately the latter has largely died out as the kids have got older. I presume some poeple use it as a way to make conversation, because I cannot believe they’re actually interested in the answer – but really I’d much rather they talked about the weather!

By: jane

jane — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 13:00:25 +0000

Great post. I think you’re right saying that women are seen to become public property when they become pregnant. No matter what your interests, work experience, life experience you fall through a vortex where stereotypes and prejudices about women, men, mothering, parenting, pregnancy, birth just deluge you. Actually, as I write that I realise it’s a disservice to women with fertility issues or women who choose not to have children. Just the fact that we can reproduce allows people to feel entitled to ask the most intimate questions and it is deemed to be socially acceptable.

I’ve just had my second son, he’s 3 months old and I am asked at least weekly by people if we are going to have any more. For me my circumstances are different from yours and from those who have commented above, but like everyone they are deeply personal to me, my partner and my children. I’ve also had many people assume that we might want another as we can’t be happy with two boys, all tied up in the questioner’s assumptions about how we treat our child because of their gender.

Look forward to reading more on the blog – very glad to have found it!

By: Crystal Gold

Crystal Gold — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 15:56:13 +0000

This is a wonderful post. I deal with this a lot. My first, and only, is 3.5 and I am married. People always ask and it forces me to explain that we would love baby #2 but I have battled issues and a miscarriage in the last 6 months. It IS so personal!!

By: Spilt Milk

Spilt Milk — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 21:09:08 +0000

Sorry… should have said that was NOT information I wanted to share with all and sundry.