Comments on: Learning to be “papa” too

By: Lucy

Lucy — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 20:42:22 +0000

LOL! That is too tempting!

By: Claire

Claire — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 18:24:35 +0000

Sounds like you are having a wonderful time. I split from my husband too, and I’d agree with you that learning the playful side of parenting was something I did in the main post-break up and not before. It’s great for those women who have nurturing men to share the burden of childcare, but for those of us who don’t (either in relationships or alone), fulfilling all the roles is hard. I have found the silly, fun, adventurous side of parenting gets better and better as my children grow.
I can absolutely recommend single parent camping. It’s cheap, the staff at campsites are generally really helpful, boys and girls get to do chores equally – but somehow it’s more fun than washing up or making beds at home.
My ex used to depict me as the boring serious one. it wasn’t fair of course and it was demeaning. But I can see that mothers of young children can assume (and be forced to assume) the nurturing sensible role to the detriment of other roles which are important in parenting. I vote for more crazy mothers. There was a huge thrill for me the first time I hired and drove a 24 foot campervan. I am glad I set the positive role model for my children of leaving a bad marriage and taking on sole responsibility.

By: Turtle

Turtle — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 02:34:00 +0000

Yes, I think you’re right. I was just being hopeful. We don’t have LLL here, but the Australian Breastfeeding Association is similar.
Also, what I wanted to say initially but forgot, was: play and nurture are not entirely separate. Nurturing can be playful and play can be nurturing.

By: msruthmoss

msruthmoss — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 13:43:21 +0000

That is lovely – thanks for sharing xx

By: msruthmoss

msruthmoss — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 13:43:01 +0000

Difficult isn’t it, sometimes you only have enough energy for basic maintenance type tasks like ensuring the child is fed, clean etc. I struggle sometimes, especially if I’m low on energy / particularly anxious/depressed, to do more than the basic tasks. Although even “sitting in front of telly with Bertie” is something that previously, only his Dad did, so I guess even then I’m doing the “papa” role a little. Maybe.

By: msruthmoss

msruthmoss — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 13:38:44 +0000

Re: LLL In terms of that particular conversation, possibly, yes; but in terms of their stance on gender roles found throughout their literature, no. I do love LLL’s stance on gentle parenting but their literature both assumes a straight couple bringing up a child, and also does reinforce a lot of gender role stereotypes (“when a child is born, so is a mother; a father emerges more gradually” – The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding).

By: Turtle

Turtle — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 10:21:06 +0000

For me, one of the greatest joys of having a child has been getting in touch with my silly side. I used to be very self-conscious and earnest, and still am in most situations. But from the moment my baby started to smile and laugh, I was doing everything I could to get the laughs. The continual nurturing of a newborn was exhausting for me – the laughter was a much needed reward. And finding that other part of me was also a pleasure in itself. I’m very happy for you to have found that too.
As for my partner, he does a bit of everything, but not nearly as much of anything as me.
As for La Leche league – were they simply talking about the origins of the words, without implying that those gender norms should be upheld?

By: Arwyn

Arwyn — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 06:29:02 +0000

The Man and I consciously (and by inclination) did both, from the beginning. He was the first one to wear the Boychick, at just 18 hours old (to fold the laundry — one of my favorite pictures ever!), and did almost all of the wearing when he was home, because he couldn’t do the breastfeeding. And since I was home alone for most of the day (and quite like it myself anyway), I did a lot of playing from early on as well.

Nowadays, with the Boychick nursing much less and getting worn not-at-all (to which I say: waaaaah!), he might come to either of us for comforting cuddles — though it’s usually whomever WASN’T the one who pissed him off in the first place! –, and we both play, including really physically, with him. I am slightly the less fearful one when it comes to physicality, too, though that varies with the situation as well.

Which is all to say that I DO think it’s important that every parent be able to show up for all aspects of parenting, to some extent at least, and that it’s good both for parents and the kid when we consciously nurture that which, through kyriarchy or inclination or both, we are not so strong at. And I’m sorry it took a breakup for you to discover, but I’m happy for you that you’ve grown in this way.

By: Lauren @ Hobo Mama

Lauren @ Hobo Mama — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 22:12:55 +0000

Sometimes I feel like I’m crap at both the papa and mama roles, and either way it doesn’t feel helpful to assign them based on gender lines. I feel like I’ve had to step up/reconnect with both my nurturing and my playful sides to parent well, rather than relying on my partner to take up the slack in both areas. Because in my case, my personality suits neither, and my partner is at once playful and patient/cuddling, so I really could just sit back and pretend I’m not needed.

I think it’s so interesting to hear how you’ve had to change and grow and not rely on that other role-taker as a single mum (and how he has presumably had to, as well). Even though I’m not planning on splitting, I want that same strength in me as I try to be both papa and mama to my child. Thanks for the reminder! And thanks so much for sharing.

By: Wonderkarin

Wonderkarin — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 21:18:41 +0000

I’m happy to say that even though me and Papa are together, I do silly faces, throw the baby up into the air and run around the kitchen being loud and silly and Papa get changes most diapers and gets up in the middle of the night.

I feel we both do most things, except breastfeeding, and we do this explicitly so we’re both parents to BB and when she’s older and needs nurturing can turn to her papa.