Comments on: “Raising Boys”? Really?

By: Raising Boys Who Aren’t Violent | babyready

Raising Boys Who Aren’t Violent | babyready — Sun, 09 Jan 2011 19:43:07 +0000

[...] to learn to deal with anger, frustration, and disappointment. When they were young I, like Ruth Moss, believed the best way to keep them from becoming abusive was to enforce our belief that children [...]

By: Raising a not-rapist « Raising My Boychick

Raising a not-rapist « Raising My Boychick — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 06:50:03 +0000

[...] her most recent (because, of course, I never quite managed to finish my response to the older), she poses the [...]

By: rose

rose — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 14:51:12 +0000

I hate steve biddulph, and his narrow prescription of what men are and what women are, and how women need to know their places so they don’t confuse the boys.

My boy is 15.

He does like to push things in terms of what he is and isnt allowed to do. I prefer to keep things clear and consistant rather than negotiate, simply because of the energy he is prepared to put into challenging me when I let things slide. Most of these boundaries are to do with his safety and his whereabouts, and honouring commitments and responsibilities. ( like studying in return for the fact I have to pay school fees, or washing dishes in return for the hot meals he gets every night!)
But in general I’d say he is compassionate, empathetic and he takes it for granted that women and girls are human beings and that their points of view and feelings are as valid as any one else’s. I’d heard him calling his peers on sexist and racist behaviour – he can’t stand peers who routinely speak that way and is visibly disgusted by them.

He seems to have learned a lot from being pushed into a caring role. He has a much younger half sister, whose father walked out on us, and for the baby’s first year and a half he was very involved in her day to day care.(he was about 11)

Since then he has worked part time and contributed to the household by providing his own school lunches.

His father and stepfather are both pretty poor male role models. His behaviour appears to come from the fact that he is acutely aware of my contribution because he has had to pick up the slack himself at times – and the reward – a place where he felt loved and valued – that he got for the effort he put in.

By: Caren

Caren — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 11:14:27 +0000

I think quite a bit of what Steve Biddulph wrote has been discredited over the years. Whilst arguing for increased encouragement of involvement of men in parenting certainly has my vote, the stereotyping that came with it – men should be involved so that boys (only boys!) learn camping, rough play and how to handle their agression (clearly things only male children need to learn about) was not welcome or sound. I disliked the inference right from the start that somehow raising a boy needed a text book whereas raising a girl was either a doddle that needed no explanation because girls are so compliant or don’t matter or don’t have needs. The problem with the book is that it suits just that sort of man who thinks he’s a feminist because he “helps” round the house. It also panders to and increases women’s insecurities about their perceived inabilities to parent. The best way to parent a boy is to assume they are human beings and give them the aspiration to be human when they grow up – same as girls.

By: Grey

Grey — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 22:12:07 +0000

This is such a hard thing. I have three little boys, and their father was physically/emotionally abusive towards me, and I think, to some extent, still is towards his current mate. So I’m afraid they have a poor male role model in him. Obviously we separated, and I explained over many hard years to my children that their father’s actions and words were not acceptable. Now I deal with a child with a disability that often treats me with that same disrespect. It’s very hard, when he pulls out those violent “nos” and stubbornness, to not fall into that “you will obey and respect your mother” mindset. Of course there’s room for compromise, but at the same time, I often feel that those “no”s are only a sign of disrespect (especially when they sometimes mirror the name-calling of the past).

I’ve been thinking on this a lot lately. My children are picking up on the values of our community (old-fashioned baptist values that are pretty intolerant all around), and I’m a single parent who often feels like the lone voice teaching them otherwise.

And I know this sounds draconian at best, but I do think that giving my boys positive male role models is one the best things I can do for them. This is not to encourage any specific gender on them, but to show them that men should and do treat women with respect. Their grandfather is one. My current partner is another. I’m glad to have them around to counterbalance the model they’ve seen in their father.

By: Alex T

Alex T — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 12:32:11 +0000

I’m a primary school teacher and I am explicit with the children in my class when gender issues come up. I tell them, in exactly these words, that there are no differences between girls and boys – except for some clothes and the toilets we use (hey, it needs to be in language and context they can understand!), that there is no such thing as toys/colours/activities for either boys or girls and that they can all do whatever they want. Children do absorb subtle messages and leading by example, but there are many times, particularly with the age group I teach (7-8 years) when they need to receive messages loud and clear. In any case, it arms them with a ‘because my teacher/parent says so’ whenever anyone challenges their non-conventional behaviour.

By: Arwyn

Arwyn — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 06:45:21 +0000

I’m (finally!) finishing a post referencing an older post of yours, which this one neatly ties in to, so a lot of my “hell yea!” thoughts will go there, but for now, a quibble: I think it really does matter that we raise boys who do the housework competently and independently, who pick up after themselves, who are good men not just in the “big” ways but also in the “little” ways. As Liss says, the little things matter: “The idea that feminism should be kept under glass, broken only in case of a “real” and “serious” emergency, is predicated on the erroneous assumption that “the little things” happen in a void, as do, presumably, the “real” and “serious” things, when, in reality, they are interwoven strands of the same rope.” http://shakespearessister.blogspot.com/2008/02/feminism-101-feminists-look-for-stuff.html (feel encouraged to pretty up my html! kthxbai)

By: S. Brykczynski

S. Brykczynski — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 00:54:33 +0000

Great post Mossy!
I was witting an epic reply but decided it wasn’t necessary. I can sum up pretty well what we can do, (and this applys to boy type children and girl type children)

1. Unconditional Love

2. Trust (tell you child the truth and they will trust you)

3. Tolerance (for different cultures and opinions)

4. Respect (all people be they 2, 12, 20, or 80 deserve respect)

5. Lead by example (They will know how to behave socially by watching how we behave socially.)

(and not necessarily in that order)

Basically, we are but one of many influences that will shape our children into adults.
All we can do is the best we are capable of.

By: Anji

Anji — Sat, 13 Jun 2009 21:08:32 +0000

Brigindo – hope you don’t mind, I edited your comment just to fix the HTML for your link.

Ruth – great post as usual. I will hopefully write a more interesting reply when I’m on my ‘big’ computer; I’m using my 9″ netbook at the moment and the keyboard is too miniscule for long replies!

By: Brigindo

Brigindo — Sat, 13 Jun 2009 15:22:52 +0000

My response was way to long for a comment. So I wrote a post on it instead. On Raising Boys II.