I read a review recently over the the F word of a book I was seriously considering buying. Thank goodness I did. I’ve a feeling the book might have pushed my blood pressure sky high.
The book was “Raising Boys” by Steve Biddulph. I’ve read a couple of articles by this author, and to be honest, much of the time he’s been fairly spot on when it comes to the things I’m a fan of, like full term breastfeeding, co-sleeping etc., some of the things that often come under the banner of “attachment parenting”.
Why would I, a feminist mum, even consider buying a book like this in the first place? I mean, surely in that Glorious Utopian Future gender won’t matter at all anyway? Why would I treat my kid any differently than a girl if he turns out to be making the journey along the “path to manhood“?
(As an aside, and the reviewer of the book didn’t mention this, I’d be interested to learn if Biddulph ever points out that a kid being born with a penis isn’t necessarily a marker for that kid being a boy? Or that not every kid that grows into a man will be born with a penis? Because I would place a rather large sum of money on Mr. Biddulph not mentioning this at all. And I bet intersex kids don’t figure on his radar. Or genderqueer kids. But, in all fairness, I haven’t read it – please feel free to correct me.)
Those of you who know me will know that I’ve not been having the best experiences with adult men recently. And I’ve even occasionally found myself coming out with the usual “all men are bastards” “bloody men” etc.
Fact is, I’m really hoping all men aren’t bastards. Because my child is probably going to be one, one day. I’m hoping that there’s going to be a pleasant, non-bastard niche he can find in which to grow.
And though, at this young age, gender neutral parenting seems the way to go, when he’s a bit older? I’m not so sure.
Because, and before we even get into the effects of testosterone, boys come under so many influences from the outside world that we need something a bit beyond “no toy guns, wearing pink clothes now and again, get him to help with the housework etc.” (I’m aware that most feminist parents do a heck of a lot more than this, but I have heard it couched in similar terms!)
But of course, it’s easy for me to come out with this. After all, I’m Mum to a two year old. I’m still at that stage where my child is just a kid, I don’t have to worry too much about the other boys in his class egging him on to more and more dangerous stuff; about them bonding together over misogyny; over him receiving messages his role is about fighting (under the guise of “protecting”) and working himself into the ground (under the guise of “providing”) and much, much more.
Don’t get me wrong, there are still influences even on a two year old, but they can be tempered a lot by parental influence. As he gets older? I’m not so sure.
I think a lot of feminist parents (that I’ve come across) believe that by encouraging behaviour that is largely considered “feminine” in their little boys, they can help raise a well-rounded individual (and that rare, but not extinct creature, a man who does housework without being asked).
The other day on twitter, Anji tweeted a feminist quote about few having the courage to raise their little boys more like little girls, or words to that effect.
And again, I think this is a start. But I don’t think it’s nearly enough. Because once we reach the stage where we know the end product is going to be a man, we’ve got a distinct kind of fight on our hands.
And you know something? A man who doesn’t do the housework without being asked? One of the very, very least of my worries.
I’m worried about the men that rape. The violent men. The emotionally abusive men. The men who get together with their friends to get one over on the ex. The men who turn misogyny into an art form. The men who look to all the world like “respectable” men but are seething angry on the inside. The men who everyone believes are the “perfect father”, right up until you read the newspaper article where they’ve killed their ex and the children. The men who start big businesses with the aim of fucking everyone else over.The men who start wars. The men who have the power to change things for the better, but instead change everything for the worse.
So if the worst thing that happens to my kid is that he grows into a man who occasionally leaves his dirty boxies around for his girlfriend/boyfriend? I can deal.
But before we can deal with making sure little boys don’t turn into That Kind of Man, we have to know what it is that causes it in the first place. And that is quite painful, because if we’re saying we are capable of tempering it, does that also mean that we, the parents, also play a hand in causing it? We surely don’t want to believe that. Aside from the mother blaming that will surely be inheret in such a conclusion – well – it just doesn’t feel very nice!
But what’s the alternative? To say we don’t have any influence at all? Or that the influences from outside are just too powerful? Influence and fault are linked, albeit less obviously than the likes of the Daily Fail would have us believe.
And I do think we have influence. Or at least, I hope we do. Because I don’t want my kid to grow into One of Those Men. So where to start?
I’m opening this thread up to ideas from everyone, but I wanted to start with just one of my own – a straw I’m clutching to at the moment, but still.
——
If we want to stop our child from being negatively influenced by peer pressure, we have to make sure our child has the strength to say “no” to people who are trying to get him to do something. (We also have to make sure that somehow he knows that thing – if it is something nasty – is wrong.) We need to make sure he doesn’t bow to negative peer pressure; give him the strength to say no in the face of very powerful opposition.
And what’s the most powerful opposition in a toddler, or young child’s life? Er, that’s right. You are. The parent. And if you never, ever allow your kid to say “no”, or to disagree with you, aren’t you showing them that they must alwayus do what the more powerful person/people say? If the boy isn’t allowed to disagree with you, to have his own opinion, to tell you, no, actually, I’d like to go to bed at nine tonight, or no, I don’t want to turn the television off, but you say, you will do it, because I say so and I am the person in the position of power here, and force that child to capitulate every time?
Aren’t you teaching him that (a) might is right and (b) you aren’t allowed your own voice of dissent and (c) power is a good thing to be able to get because it means you can tell people what to do all the time?
Obviously, the argument holds truth the other way too; if you always let your child do absolutely everything they want, you’re probably not presenting that great a model either.
But shouldn’t there be room for discussion? For compromise? Even for honesty “I want you to go to bed at eight because my girlfriend and I want to spend some time being grown ups / because I want you to have a good night’s sleep so we’re all fresh for the park tomorrow / etc. but you can read in your bedroom if you like”? Or, “I know you don’t like the taste of sprouts, but I want you to have a healthy body; what other options do you think we could come up with for green vegetables?/ I realise now you don’t like sprouts, but I’ve bought and cooked them now, and they’re very expensive, what sauce would you like to put on them to make them more edible? / I see you don’t like sprouts. Mummy likes sprouts. You can have Mummy’s peas.” etc.
I really want ideas here for feminist parenting especially how it pertains to boys, particularly if they fit in with attachment parenting / unconditional parenting but just any ideas are welcome. So, dear readers, over to you!
June 13, 2009 at 3:22 pm
My response was way to long for a comment. So I wrote a post on it instead.
On Raising Boys II.
June 13, 2009 at 9:08 pm
Brigindo – hope you don’t mind, I edited your comment just to fix the HTML for your link.
Ruth – great post as usual. I will hopefully write a more interesting reply when I’m on my ‘big’ computer; I’m using my 9″ netbook at the moment and the keyboard is too miniscule for long replies!
June 14, 2009 at 12:54 am
Great post Mossy!
I was witting an epic reply but decided it wasn’t necessary. I can sum up pretty well what we can do, (and this applys to boy type children and girl type children)
1. Unconditional Love
2. Trust (tell you child the truth and they will trust you)
3. Tolerance (for different cultures and opinions)
4. Respect (all people be they 2, 12, 20, or 80 deserve respect)
5. Lead by example (They will know how to behave socially by watching how we behave socially.)
(and not necessarily in that order)
Basically, we are but one of many influences that will shape our children into adults.
All we can do is the best we are capable of.
June 14, 2009 at 6:45 am
I’m (finally!) finishing a post referencing an older post of yours, which this one neatly ties in to, so a lot of my “hell yea!” thoughts will go there, but for now, a quibble: I think it really does matter that we raise boys who do the housework competently and independently, who pick up after themselves, who are good men not just in the “big” ways but also in the “little” ways. As Liss says, the little things matter: “The idea that feminism should be kept under glass, broken only in case of a “real” and “serious” emergency, is predicated on the erroneous assumption that “the little things” happen in a void, as do, presumably, the “real” and “serious” things, when, in reality, they are interwoven strands of the same rope.” http://shakespearessister.blogspot.com/2008/02/feminism-101-feminists-look-for-stuff.html (feel encouraged to pretty up my html! kthxbai)
June 14, 2009 at 12:32 pm
I’m a primary school teacher and I am explicit with the children in my class when gender issues come up. I tell them, in exactly these words, that there are no differences between girls and boys – except for some clothes and the toilets we use (hey, it needs to be in language and context they can understand!), that there is no such thing as toys/colours/activities for either boys or girls and that they can all do whatever they want. Children do absorb subtle messages and leading by example, but there are many times, particularly with the age group I teach (7-8 years) when they need to receive messages loud and clear. In any case, it arms them with a ‘because my teacher/parent says so’ whenever anyone challenges their non-conventional behaviour.
June 14, 2009 at 10:12 pm
This is such a hard thing. I have three little boys, and their father was physically/emotionally abusive towards me, and I think, to some extent, still is towards his current mate. So I’m afraid they have a poor male role model in him. Obviously we separated, and I explained over many hard years to my children that their father’s actions and words were not acceptable. Now I deal with a child with a disability that often treats me with that same disrespect. It’s very hard, when he pulls out those violent “nos” and stubbornness, to not fall into that “you will obey and respect your mother” mindset. Of course there’s room for compromise, but at the same time, I often feel that those “no”s are only a sign of disrespect (especially when they sometimes mirror the name-calling of the past).
I’ve been thinking on this a lot lately. My children are picking up on the values of our community (old-fashioned baptist values that are pretty intolerant all around), and I’m a single parent who often feels like the lone voice teaching them otherwise.
And I know this sounds draconian at best, but I do think that giving my boys positive male role models is one the best things I can do for them. This is not to encourage any specific gender on them, but to show them that men should and do treat women with respect. Their grandfather is one. My current partner is another. I’m glad to have them around to counterbalance the model they’ve seen in their father.
June 15, 2009 at 11:14 am
I think quite a bit of what Steve Biddulph wrote has been discredited over the years. Whilst arguing for increased encouragement of involvement of men in parenting certainly has my vote, the stereotyping that came with it – men should be involved so that boys (only boys!) learn camping, rough play and how to handle their agression (clearly things only male children need to learn about) was not welcome or sound. I disliked the inference right from the start that somehow raising a boy needed a text book whereas raising a girl was either a doddle that needed no explanation because girls are so compliant or don’t matter or don’t have needs. The problem with the book is that it suits just that sort of man who thinks he’s a feminist because he “helps” round the house. It also panders to and increases women’s insecurities about their perceived inabilities to parent. The best way to parent a boy is to assume they are human beings and give them the aspiration to be human when they grow up – same as girls.
June 16, 2009 at 2:51 pm
I hate steve biddulph, and his narrow prescription of what men are and what women are, and how women need to know their places so they don’t confuse the boys.
My boy is 15.
He does like to push things in terms of what he is and isnt allowed to do. I prefer to keep things clear and consistant rather than negotiate, simply because of the energy he is prepared to put into challenging me when I let things slide. Most of these boundaries are to do with his safety and his whereabouts, and honouring commitments and responsibilities. ( like studying in return for the fact I have to pay school fees, or washing dishes in return for the hot meals he gets every night!)
But in general I’d say he is compassionate, empathetic and he takes it for granted that women and girls are human beings and that their points of view and feelings are as valid as any one else’s. I’d heard him calling his peers on sexist and racist behaviour – he can’t stand peers who routinely speak that way and is visibly disgusted by them.
He seems to have learned a lot from being pushed into a caring role. He has a much younger half sister, whose father walked out on us, and for the baby’s first year and a half he was very involved in her day to day care.(he was about 11)
Since then he has worked part time and contributed to the household by providing his own school lunches.
His father and stepfather are both pretty poor male role models. His behaviour appears to come from the fact that he is acutely aware of my contribution because he has had to pick up the slack himself at times – and the reward – a place where he felt loved and valued – that he got for the effort he put in.
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