Comments on: What’s in a name?

By: Debora Waddll

Debora Waddll — Wed, 08 Jun 2011 19:21:35 +0000

My daughter has 2 sons(by different fathers) and both children carry our family name. She is not married and this is the best decision that she has ever made. One of the fathers is a dead beat dad and the other is a control freak and it gives me comfort to know that these children carry our name and not their fathers. We do far more for these children than their fathers ever considered doing. So always follow your heart when it comes to naming YOUR children.

By: Susan

Susan — Wed, 01 Dec 2010 01:59:43 +0000

I changed my name upon marriage because my ex told me that he wouldn’t marry me if I didn’t. Being the insecure person I was, I reluctantly agreed to do it (plus I had male relatives claiming that there was “something wrong with me” if I didn’t). My ex was an abusive jerk, and I’m so glad that we didn’t have kids. When we got a divorce, I took my birth name back. If I get married again, I refuse to change my name, and any children I have will have my last name. If that attitude results in a man not marrying me-so be it. I can always get a sperm donor. I refuse to be bullied into changing my name again.

By: Lollielooper

Lollielooper — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 14:34:07 +0000

I just went through the process myself. I got to court thinking this won’t be a big deal, even if the father shows up the judge will look at the situation and I will tell her about how his father never sees him because he claims he is too busy but then goes and parties with his friends or moves to Arkansas for 3 months because he doesn’t want to find a job and help support his son. However, all he had to do was show up and say that he sees his son every other weekend (which is a complete and total lie) and the judge believed him and told me, the person who has sacrificed and pour every part of my life and my soul into raising my child ALONE that I needed to stop thinking about myself and think about my child!!!! I couldn’t believe it! She told me it was the “American way” for the child to take the father’s name! Among many other hurtful things. From the moment I walked in that court room I had no chance. As a single mother I am looked at as less of a person than a married mother or a woman with no children and better yet less than the man that fathered and then abandoned his child. I wasn’t aloud to talk about the reasons we aren’t together like that he hit me and I had him arrested because it’s only on his federal record and there for since the courts can’t see it it’s here say. Or that fact that the one time he took his son for a day he got high!!!! But being the father seeing his son for an hour every three months is enough because he pays me a measly 150 a month, which is my fault, but still that doesn’t even cover a third of what it costs to raise a child. But the judge claims what he is doing is enough to be considered a good “father”. But I couldn’t tell her that he says he doesn’t see our son because he doesn’t want to see me, which is the lamest excuse, or that he will have time for our son when he graduates because he is too busy now, even though I don’t have that choice. This is still all hear say. According to our courts system they believe a child should have a father, and I don’t disagree but I think no father is better than a bad father. They believe that a man should have any and all rights to his child regardless of the situation. So I resided to just adding my name to my child’s but he has to give his permission for that too like his name is more important than mine!!! I felt defeated when I left the court room but after a lot of crying and fuming I’ve decided that this is going to change. That men will have to prove that they deserve rights to their children when they are absent and the burden of proof will not be on the mother. That being the sole caregivers of our children that we will have more rights than the person that waltzing in and out when ever he so pleases. And at the very least we will be able to add our names to children’s names if we so desire regardless of the circumstances! These are our children and it doesn’t make us bad people! I am currently trying to get in touch with any and all parties that might be able to help me get the ball rolling on changing these cave man ideas in our society. If you know anyone or think of anything that can help feel free to e-mail me at lollielooper@gmail.com.

By: Emily & Baby

Emily & Baby — Sat, 15 Aug 2009 23:00:39 +0000

I am having the same problem. I am pregnant now with only on month before the big decision. His family has basically disowned me because I has decided I wanted my last name. I did not choose my last name despite anyone, or to make anyone mad, or to prove that my family is better. I just feel that.. well, I dont really know why I feel that it is important to have my last name. We are not together (the father and I) and most likely will not ever be together again. He is not a bad person, and is still in my life, but I am sure I will marry someone else. I am having trouble figuring out whose name to give the baby now. I feel that I will be ‘unaccepted’ into each family because of my decision. I just dont think that it is fair to have his last name. In reality, all he had to do was have sex, I am the one who went through the pregnancy and will go through labor and do most of the care-taking. Not saying he wont pay child support and be there for the child, but to me I guess I would feel a little less than the baby’s mother with the fathers last name. UGH. I need support!

By: feline

feline — Thu, 28 May 2009 15:38:51 +0000

hi there,
I just found out that I am a few weeks pregnant and see myself confronted with lots of questions.
One of them being the family name of my unborn child. I a so glad i came across this website.
My partner insists that the child will have his name and wants to marry asap. and I feel highly unfonfortable with the idea.
I will certainly keep my family name I had for the last 40 years and I want my baby to have this name too.
The only compromise we could find so far is that if it is a girl, it will have my name and if it is a boy, it will have his name…
I guess that is as good as it gets.

By: emmalinda chavez

emmalinda chavez — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 05:55:14 +0000

Hi my name is Emmalinda and I to agree with you when it comes to my children carrying my surname.I was in an abusive relationship since ’99 with this man(stupid me but i have no regrets well him but not my children). We have a nine year old daughter who carries my last name. But we have just had another child who is a 6 month old baby whom carries his fathers surname. both children are by the same father one carries my name and the other carries his. We have been separated for over 3 months. though we wer together through the years i paid the bills and all responsibilities to this family while he did what ever he wanted to do. my point: to pass your name to a child is a priviledge and honor why should my son keep his fathers last name who he doesn’t see and has no relationship with. in the morning we have a court hearing please pray for me that the judge hears my plea. i am so happy that i read your article because i started questioning my reasons and if i was being selfish. Thanks for relighting that fire within me and for letting me know that i was not being selfish.

By: Kez

Kez — Sun, 26 Apr 2009 18:33:41 +0000

Anji – the passport thing wasn’t all that long ago, about 4 or 5 years maybe. The laws may well have changed since then, but it might be worth checking out if you haven’t already – though you probably have…..

By: Anji

Anji — Sat, 25 Apr 2009 11:04:29 +0000

Helena – as I said above, unfortunately the laws have changed considerably. Even to do that I’d have to have his father’s permission as he was born after 2003. :/

By: Helena

Helena — Sat, 25 Apr 2009 09:28:04 +0000

You CAN just change your son’s surname. Just start calling him by yours. Tell his school, doctor, anywhere he uses a surname, just tell them it’s changed. I was known from birth by a different surname than the one on my birth certificate, never caused us any problems. Only if he wants to get a passport will he possibly have to use his father’s surname, though if he can show school reports and doctor’s records in your surname that might not even be a problem. I’m 50 and still using the “adopted” surname, and it causes me no problems; I even have a passport in this name.

By: Anji

Anji — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 09:52:25 +0000

Emily – you’re absolutely right, and I think if I talk to him about this, that’s going to be my main argument. “How would you feel if Orion had my name and not yours? How would you feel if I wanted him to have mine and not yours? So can you understand why it bothers me that he has yours and not mine?”

Jenny – yes, if the father’s name is on the birth certificate (and even if he’s not if the child was born after 2003, because he can still apply for it) he gets ‘Parental Responsibility’ which means he has an equal say in things like that. The only exception is if there has been no contact for two or more years, in which case a court can rule it as being “in the child’s best interests”.

Cycleboy – I wish that were the case, but I have already had people questioning whether I am Orion’s mother, and official people sometimes want to see his birth certificate to prove I’m his mother.

Changer – the laws have changed considerably for children born since 2003. Any name change must be official, and for it to be official, the father has to agree.

Eleanor – I think I might have screamed at a few people in that situation.

Loddy – I’d imagine it’s because the laws have changed considerably in the last few years to take into account the father’s parental responsibility and rights. It also depends on how officially the name was changed (i.e. is there a deed poll with the name change registered, or has she simply told everyone to use the new surname?) and whether there has been contact with the father; after two years of no contact the mother is generally allowed to change the name based on a ‘shown lack of interest’ on the father’s part.

Jojo – if I could go back, I’d put my name and mine only. You never know what’s going to happen a few years down the line, unfortunately.

Faith – here, the only way a judge would rule in my favour is if there was zero contact from his father. Otherwise they’ll just tell me where to stick it.

Kez – I don’t think you can do that any more. Because of all the gubbins about identity theft, etc, names have to match up to one’s birth certificate.

Kimberley – the reason your name change was allowed was a) there was no contact from your father and b) you were old enough to say you definitely wanted it changed. My son’s dad is very active in his life and my son is only three and a half, not really old enough to be considered able to make that decision from what I understand.

Ruth – if/when I talk to his dad, I’m going to ask for my name to be added to his, not to replace his. Double barrelled, as a middle name, I don’t mind really. I just want it to be there. :/