I always say there’s nothing about my past that I’d change. I am very aware that had I done things differently, even by not making the mistakes I made, I may not have had my beautiful son, and I may not have met my partner.
However, there is one thing. One thing which probably seems trivially unimportant to most people, but which makes me feel horrible to the pit of my stomach every time I think about it.
I wish I had given my son my surname.
At the time, I didn’t know any better. I just thought it was how things were done. As time goes on it makes me feel physically sick. When mothers are the ones who carry babies for nine months and then endure hours of physical labour, not to mention most of the time being the ones who do the vast majority of work regarding caring for those babies and the children they become, why do men get all the credit, by having the societal right to stamp them with their names? It’s like none of the work we do – pregnancy, childbirth, rearing – none of that means a thing because as soon as a baby is born it becomes the father’s, his property, indelibly marked with his surname.
I wish I had known then what I know now. I wish I had stood up to his father (my ex), insisted that as we were not married and I was the one who had given birth (and thus the one with the final legal say in such matters) that my son would have my surname. I feel erased. I feel like nothing I did, the horrible experience I had of pregnancy, the twelve hours of excruciating labour, the three and a half years I have been my son’s primary carer, none of it means a damn because he is his dad’s son.
He knows he has a middle name and a surname, and he knows what they are. He knows that Daddy has the same name as him, and that I do not. You try telling me that isn’t having an affect on him psychologically, that he isn’t feeling more connected to his father because they have the same name. I double dog dare you.
I’m there with him all day, yes, and I do 99% of his ‘raising’ but he doesn’t understand that. As far as he’s concerned that’s my job, it’s what I’m here for. His name is something he can draw a clear and tangible connection from. Names have meaning. Especially in Western society, shared names mean family.
If I could change it, I’d do it in a bloody heartbeat. He is my son, I carried him and birthed him and fed him from my own breast, and I have been caring for him full-time since the day he was born, and it makes sense that he should have my name. Unfortunately it’s not something that can be done without my ex’s permission and well, don’t make me laugh. My ex wouldn’t let me consider it even when we were together, when our son was born. There is no way on this earth that he’d give up his ‘ownership’ of our son by allowing a name change (or even the compromise of the addition of my name), because it’s just another thing he holds over me.
My son is my world. I’ve dedicated my life to raising him since the beginning and I’m doing a damn good job of it, and it utterly tears me apart that we don’t even share that simple connection of a family name.
April 20, 2009 at 9:51 am
Believe me, I understand. Nothing cuts me like having my (legal) name rejected as invalid.
I think that what gets recognised as valid (or a valid reason) is itself a highly ideological battle–heavily tied up in heterosexist and patriarchal ideas about women and children being property. I mean, I bet your ex couldn’t for a second imagine being asked to change *his* name (like if you’d gotten married), or have his name not be recognised as immediate kinship.
June 8, 2011 at 7:21 pm
My daughter has 2 sons(by different fathers) and both children carry our family name. She is not married and this is the best decision that she has ever made. One of the fathers is a dead beat dad and the other is a control freak and it gives me comfort to know that these children carry our name and not their fathers. We do far more for these children than their fathers ever considered doing. So always follow your heart when it comes to naming YOUR children.
April 20, 2009 at 9:52 am
What sort of legal process is involved in changing a name? Would you need to have your exs’ permission, as he is named on the birth certificate? It sucks really, given that you are the primary carer you should have the final say really :-S
I remember when I was considering moving to Cosham. I was looking for a nursery for my son and my exs’ mum was helping to look for a place. I got a call from a nursery manager regarding my enquiry which she had made on my behalf (grr). She had double barrelled his surname with my name SECOND. Extra grr! In no uncertain terms I told her that I birthed this child, I raised him 95% by myself and as I wasn’t married to her son, my son got my surname by DEFAULT. She wasn’t happy about that!
If men want to have their childrens names, they should make more of a damn effort to co parent equally instead of treating us as glorified f-ing babysitters.
April 20, 2009 at 12:47 pm
“I wish I had given my son my surname.”
Well said. I guess many men (and probably too many women) might argue that the identity of the child’s mother is never in any doubt and the surname is the only obvious connection with the father.
That said, as one who hates the idea of women changing their birth names on marriage, the children’s surname does then become an issue (in our culture, at least). Assuming the man is going to stick around and take his fair share of responsibility for his child, my only suggestion is to adopt the Spanish system and for the children to have two surnames. When/if they marry, they can then choose to pass on whichever surname they want.
April 20, 2009 at 1:07 pm
I feel the need to blog back about this – I gave my children my last name, but I’ve become aware how unusual that is!
April 20, 2009 at 1:19 pm
[...] Daddy is watching you… Reading Anji over at Mothers for Women’s Lib writing about her regrets that her son doesn’t share her last name reminids me of a [...]
April 20, 2009 at 2:14 pm
He’s a child, just call him by your name. I was registered under one surname but always known by another and so far it’s caused no problems.
April 20, 2009 at 2:20 pm
I do feel sympathetic and do wish there were a way to end the surname problem – maybe new surnames should just be computer-generated for each new generation at the hospital to be fair to both men and women, but what matters is the substance not the form when you are bringing up children. My son says he gets his brains from my side of the family, and his kindness and thoughtfulness and his political awareness and resilience and resourcefulness. He remembers very happily that he is half my genes in a glass half full optimistic sort of way. His father was violent to me and to him and his siblings. Rather than focus on either parent’s right or lack of it to call the child by their surname, spare a thought for the many children who are saddled with “belonging” to their violent fathers in name long after the mothers have been able to change theirs again. If people chose their own surnames, how much fun would it be – you’d spot the socially pretentious a mile off. why don’t more feminists do it? Call yourself a feminist? Change your surname to Fawcett by deed poll, and ditch husbands and fathers in one fell swoop.
April 20, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Oh, I sympathise completely! My husband took my name when we got married nearly three years ago. However, recently we registered for baby gifts and people complained that they couldn’t find us at the store kiosk. When we probed a little further it turned out they were searching for us under HIS old surname! They were incredibly surprised to realise that even though he took my name, we still weren’t passing his old name onto our child.
I despair. You have my sympathies.
April 20, 2009 at 3:43 pm
I hadn’t realised that there was a legal need for the father’s permission- my little (half) sister has just had her surname changed by her mother to her mother’s surname without our father’s permission. I know that none of our family approve – particularly because we have a strong sense of kinship with a long family history and even family initials so that she could inherit engraved silverware etc! but also because her new surname is “Hamburger”, which doesn’t gain much respect at primary school. My mother and father were never married as my mother’s not into marriage, but she gave me my father’s surname because she loved him very much. Since they split up a few years later, however poor a relationship I have with my father, I have enjoyed having the same surname as my little sisters, though we three have different mothers. One of my friends changed her name to her mother’s maiden name at 18 because she felt it was the last remaining connexion to him. Perhaps your son’s only connection to his father is his surname. He will still love his Mummy more.
April 20, 2009 at 4:21 pm
This issue has bothered me recently as well.
My partner and I (not married for ideological reasons) are thinking of talking about having children soon, and we cannot decide what to do about the surname issue. Obviously he wants his surname, but I don’t see why my name should not be there. obviously we both ‘plan’ to share childcare responsibilities for the rest of our kid’s lives. Also tried to put the two names together but sounds hideous! Confused!
April 20, 2009 at 4:35 pm
I was lucky to have given my son my surname, regardless of what his father wanted. He has his father’s surname as his middle name (one of the two) and now that he is almost a teen, he has input and said he was glad I made the decision I made. I wish there was something you could do about it and hopefully there will be in the future!
April 20, 2009 at 4:58 pm
I’m sorry that Orion’s surname is your one thorn in your side. My cousin’s kids kept the surname Redman cos my cousin wasn’t married, but her oldest son changed his surname to his dad’s when he turned 18. Hopefully Orion will want to do the same for you, as you will have been his main parent, the one who put in all the hard work. Just drop hints as he gets nearer 18- I know it’s a long time away.
April 20, 2009 at 6:10 pm
First post here – I found this site via the F-Word.
Our son has my surname. We haven’t encountered any problems.
BTW, Garrett would be a better name than Fawcett since Fawcett was Millicent Garrett’s married name.
April 20, 2009 at 8:06 pm
Anji,
I’m not sure how these things work in your neck of the woods, but in the U.S. the custodial parent can petition for a name change for their children. It is not absolutely necessary for the non-custodial parent to give consent if you can get the judge to rule in your favor (If the non-custodial parent does give consent, all it takes to have the name change is a couple of signatures and about $30.00). If the judge deems it to be in the best interest of the child (such as the child wishes to have the name change), the name change will be granted despite the lack of permission from the non-custodial parent.
I too gave my children their father’s surname when they were born simply because I was trying to be generous by giving him a family that he didn’t already have (he has no living family). After I realized what a stupid thing I had done, I had their name changed. The father did give his consent since he knew it was a lost cause if he didn’t. Giving the situation, the judge would have almost undoubtedly ruled in my favor.
April 21, 2009 at 11:25 am
My son was registered with his father’s surname but for many years has been known by mine, and his passport, driving licence etc is in this name. (I think I had to provide a letter to the passport agency saying this was the name he was known by – I can’t remember the details, but it was all perfectly legal.)
April 21, 2009 at 8:16 pm
Hi Anji,
Just a bit of a story really, my partner and I decided to give our daughter his name because eventually we will get married and I will take his name, because I want to (obviously that’s a matter of choice either way)
However, before she was born HE changed HIS surname (by deed-poll) to that of his step-father, because he had grown up with the surname of a father he had never known. His mother had double-barrelled her surname in order to keep a connection with her son’s surname.
I think what I’m trying to get at is what other people have said: in the future, your son will be able to make a choice to change it if he wishes, and he might wish to show respect to all the hard work you have done and change his name to yours. This is definitely the case in our family.
(I suppose I’m a bad feminist with these traditional views, but it’s very much a personal issue, isn’t it?)
April 21, 2009 at 9:27 pm
When I was born, I was given my father’s surname. When I was seven, I asked my mum why I didn’t have the same surname as her and my sister (who both have my mum’s ex husband & my sister’s dad’s name, which is why it wasn’t originally given to me) as our household consisted of only the three of us, and at the time we were not in contact with my father. We changed my surname to a double barrel so I still had my father’s name, but also the name my mum and sister used. As far as I’m aware, my mum did not need my father’s permission to do this, but she did need a witness to the name change (her own mother, my grandmother, did this).
I’m happy with my double surname. In fact, it’s quite useful, as I can legally use just one or the other if I wish, as the legal documentation does not include a hyphen between the surnames.
Just thought I’d input from a different perspective!
April 22, 2009 at 6:33 am
Bertie has my surname as his middle name, and his father’s as his own surname. I just couldn’t bring myself to do double barrelled. (Where I come from it is seen as ultra pretentious, and although I don’t live there any more… I just couldn’t quite do it).
But I am married to his father, so it’s not quite the same situation, although given it’s me who did and does all the work, if the child should have anyone’s surname it should be mine.
I think surnames are problematic anyway, because of the connotations of ownership; wives take husbands’ surnames because the husband “owns” them; children are “owned” by the father hence the surname… is it that much better that the child is “owned” by the mother? I think the ideal would be a “family” name that denoted a sense of togetherness, but that wasn’t necessarily “passed down” at all – I’m not sure how it would work.
But yeah, given that at the moment “surname” does equal family, it sucks that Orion has to have his father’s. Maybe when he is old enough to understand he will want to share your surname and you can get it changed then?
April 22, 2009 at 6:34 am
Just wanted to add, don’t beat yourself up about it though, you did what you thought was right at the time, you couldn’t have foreseen what would happen in any way!
April 22, 2009 at 9:52 am
Emily – you’re absolutely right, and I think if I talk to him about this, that’s going to be my main argument. “How would you feel if Orion had my name and not yours? How would you feel if I wanted him to have mine and not yours? So can you understand why it bothers me that he has yours and not mine?”
Jenny – yes, if the father’s name is on the birth certificate (and even if he’s not if the child was born after 2003, because he can still apply for it) he gets ‘Parental Responsibility’ which means he has an equal say in things like that. The only exception is if there has been no contact for two or more years, in which case a court can rule it as being “in the child’s best interests”.
Cycleboy – I wish that were the case, but I have already had people questioning whether I am Orion’s mother, and official people sometimes want to see his birth certificate to prove I’m his mother.
Changer – the laws have changed considerably for children born since 2003. Any name change must be official, and for it to be official, the father has to agree.
Eleanor – I think I might have screamed at a few people in that situation.
Loddy – I’d imagine it’s because the laws have changed considerably in the last few years to take into account the father’s parental responsibility and rights. It also depends on how officially the name was changed (i.e. is there a deed poll with the name change registered, or has she simply told everyone to use the new surname?) and whether there has been contact with the father; after two years of no contact the mother is generally allowed to change the name based on a ‘shown lack of interest’ on the father’s part.
Jojo – if I could go back, I’d put my name and mine only. You never know what’s going to happen a few years down the line, unfortunately.
Faith – here, the only way a judge would rule in my favour is if there was zero contact from his father. Otherwise they’ll just tell me where to stick it.
Kez – I don’t think you can do that any more. Because of all the gubbins about identity theft, etc, names have to match up to one’s birth certificate.
Kimberley – the reason your name change was allowed was a) there was no contact from your father and b) you were old enough to say you definitely wanted it changed. My son’s dad is very active in his life and my son is only three and a half, not really old enough to be considered able to make that decision from what I understand.
Ruth – if/when I talk to his dad, I’m going to ask for my name to be added to his, not to replace his. Double barrelled, as a middle name, I don’t mind really. I just want it to be there. :/
April 25, 2009 at 9:28 am
You CAN just change your son’s surname. Just start calling him by yours. Tell his school, doctor, anywhere he uses a surname, just tell them it’s changed. I was known from birth by a different surname than the one on my birth certificate, never caused us any problems. Only if he wants to get a passport will he possibly have to use his father’s surname, though if he can show school reports and doctor’s records in your surname that might not even be a problem. I’m 50 and still using the “adopted” surname, and it causes me no problems; I even have a passport in this name.
April 25, 2009 at 11:04 am
Helena – as I said above, unfortunately the laws have changed considerably. Even to do that I’d have to have his father’s permission as he was born after 2003. :/
April 26, 2009 at 6:33 pm
Anji – the passport thing wasn’t all that long ago, about 4 or 5 years maybe. The laws may well have changed since then, but it might be worth checking out if you haven’t already – though you probably have…..
April 29, 2009 at 5:55 am
Hi my name is Emmalinda and I to agree with you when it comes to my children carrying my surname.I was in an abusive relationship since ’99 with this man(stupid me but i have no regrets well him but not my children). We have a nine year old daughter who carries my last name. But we have just had another child who is a 6 month old baby whom carries his fathers surname. both children are by the same father one carries my name and the other carries his. We have been separated for over 3 months. though we wer together through the years i paid the bills and all responsibilities to this family while he did what ever he wanted to do. my point: to pass your name to a child is a priviledge and honor why should my son keep his fathers last name who he doesn’t see and has no relationship with. in the morning we have a court hearing please pray for me that the judge hears my plea. i am so happy that i read your article because i started questioning my reasons and if i was being selfish. Thanks for relighting that fire within me and for letting me know that i was not being selfish.
May 28, 2009 at 3:38 pm
hi there,
I just found out that I am a few weeks pregnant and see myself confronted with lots of questions.
One of them being the family name of my unborn child. I a so glad i came across this website.
My partner insists that the child will have his name and wants to marry asap. and I feel highly unfonfortable with the idea.
I will certainly keep my family name I had for the last 40 years and I want my baby to have this name too.
The only compromise we could find so far is that if it is a girl, it will have my name and if it is a boy, it will have his name…
I guess that is as good as it gets.
August 15, 2009 at 11:00 pm
I am having the same problem. I am pregnant now with only on month before the big decision. His family has basically disowned me because I has decided I wanted my last name. I did not choose my last name despite anyone, or to make anyone mad, or to prove that my family is better. I just feel that.. well, I dont really know why I feel that it is important to have my last name. We are not together (the father and I) and most likely will not ever be together again. He is not a bad person, and is still in my life, but I am sure I will marry someone else. I am having trouble figuring out whose name to give the baby now. I feel that I will be ‘unaccepted’ into each family because of my decision. I just dont think that it is fair to have his last name. In reality, all he had to do was have sex, I am the one who went through the pregnancy and will go through labor and do most of the care-taking. Not saying he wont pay child support and be there for the child, but to me I guess I would feel a little less than the baby’s mother with the fathers last name. UGH. I need support!
September 25, 2009 at 2:34 pm
I just went through the process myself. I got to court thinking this won’t be a big deal, even if the father shows up the judge will look at the situation and I will tell her about how his father never sees him because he claims he is too busy but then goes and parties with his friends or moves to Arkansas for 3 months because he doesn’t want to find a job and help support his son. However, all he had to do was show up and say that he sees his son every other weekend (which is a complete and total lie) and the judge believed him and told me, the person who has sacrificed and pour every part of my life and my soul into raising my child ALONE that I needed to stop thinking about myself and think about my child!!!! I couldn’t believe it! She told me it was the “American way” for the child to take the father’s name! Among many other hurtful things. From the moment I walked in that court room I had no chance. As a single mother I am looked at as less of a person than a married mother or a woman with no children and better yet less than the man that fathered and then abandoned his child. I wasn’t aloud to talk about the reasons we aren’t together like that he hit me and I had him arrested because it’s only on his federal record and there for since the courts can’t see it it’s here say. Or that fact that the one time he took his son for a day he got high!!!! But being the father seeing his son for an hour every three months is enough because he pays me a measly 150 a month, which is my fault, but still that doesn’t even cover a third of what it costs to raise a child. But the judge claims what he is doing is enough to be considered a good “father”. But I couldn’t tell her that he says he doesn’t see our son because he doesn’t want to see me, which is the lamest excuse, or that he will have time for our son when he graduates because he is too busy now, even though I don’t have that choice. This is still all hear say. According to our courts system they believe a child should have a father, and I don’t disagree but I think no father is better than a bad father. They believe that a man should have any and all rights to his child regardless of the situation. So I resided to just adding my name to my child’s but he has to give his permission for that too like his name is more important than mine!!! I felt defeated when I left the court room but after a lot of crying and fuming I’ve decided that this is going to change. That men will have to prove that they deserve rights to their children when they are absent and the burden of proof will not be on the mother. That being the sole caregivers of our children that we will have more rights than the person that waltzing in and out when ever he so pleases. And at the very least we will be able to add our names to children’s names if we so desire regardless of the circumstances! These are our children and it doesn’t make us bad people! I am currently trying to get in touch with any and all parties that might be able to help me get the ball rolling on changing these cave man ideas in our society. If you know anyone or think of anything that can help feel free to e-mail me at lollielooper@gmail.com.
December 1, 2010 at 1:59 am
I changed my name upon marriage because my ex told me that he wouldn’t marry me if I didn’t. Being the insecure person I was, I reluctantly agreed to do it (plus I had male relatives claiming that there was “something wrong with me” if I didn’t). My ex was an abusive jerk, and I’m so glad that we didn’t have kids. When we got a divorce, I took my birth name back. If I get married again, I refuse to change my name, and any children I have will have my last name. If that attitude results in a man not marrying me-so be it. I can always get a sperm donor. I refuse to be bullied into changing my name again.