Mothers For Women’s Lib

by Ruth Moss

I’ve written before and at length about facebook’s policy on breastfeeding photos, and why this is a feminist issue. Just letting anyone reading know that there is another protest planned on 21st February.

You don’t have to be a nursing mother to join in and show your support. You don’t have to be a mother. You don’t have to be a woman.

All you need is a photo of a mother nursing her young – human, or mammal – and use it as your profile pic for one day whilst changing your status to “Hey! Facebook! Breastfeeding is NOT obscene!”

Feel free to use one of my pictures if you can’t find any of your own.

I really do think this issue is wider than just breastfeeding (although that in itself is an important issue). It’s about disgust at women’s icky bodies and controlling them because of that disgust.

In one of my recent links posts on my own blog, I linked to an article by Helen at Bird Of Paradox where she explored the possibility of trans-friendly books for children (which she kindly allowed me to cross post here at this very blog).

A comment from Margie questioning the benefit/risk of the idea:

Don’t you think offering “trans-friendly” books to CHILDREN is a bit like offering pro-plastic-surgery books, or pro-limb-lengthening-surgery books, or gastric-bypass-friendly books to kids? I mean we’re talking about major pharmaceutical dependence, the long-term consequences of which aren’t yet known, and major surgical intervention against what is in actuality healthy flesh. Are none of these trans-advocates concerned at all about children being indoctrinated and influenced to do themselves bodily harm, when they might under less woman-hating circumstances simply be lesbian women or women who otherwise do not adhere to societal gender roles in style or behavior?

My response to this is, I admit, straight from my head as I’m not an expert on transsexuality or transgenderism. However I’d like to invite readers to give their own reasons why they agree/disagree with Margie, because this is an interesting opinion and I think the dialogue could be important.

My thoughts:

Firstly, a child who reads a book containing a trans person and then decides/realises he or she is trans, is not going to immediately be put on hormonal treatment or given surgery. The only transitioning options available to children, as far as I know, are social and ‘appearance’ based i.e. the option to use the other pronoun, go by a different name, wear different clothes and live in their desired gender.

Secondly, children’s books containing say, lesbian couples, aren’t designed to turn children gay. To imply that children will be ‘indoctrinated’ wanders dangerously close to the “I don’t want my kids to have books containing gay characters because they turn children gay/are part of the ‘Gay Agenda’ etc.” line of thinking, which is clearly sensationalist and untrue.

As a corollary to the second point, we advocate books containing lesbian/gay/bisexual characters as a method not of turning children gay but to encourage tolerance and to show children from minority families “people like us”. A child with lesbian parents may well feel validated by seeing a character in a children’s book with two mums. Likewise, it may reduce the likelihood of her being bullied for her family situation, because it is more normalised. In turn, it may help raise children into more accepting adults because they haven’t grown up seeing non-heterosexuality as ‘different’ or ‘other’. Added to all that, it helps children who are troubled by their own sexuality to realise that non-heterosexuality is valid and acceptable.

Books containing trans characters would have the same benefits – not to turn children trans but to give validation to children of trans people, reduce bullying as a result of other kids seeing trans parents as ‘other’, therefore raising more accepting adults, and helping children who are already having gender issues to resolve some of the feelings of ‘weirdness’ and despair by showing them people just like them.

Thirdly, the last paragraph of the comment mentions that trans people “might under less woman-hating circumstances simply be lesbian women or women who otherwise do not adhere to societal gender roles in style or behavior?” This appears to relate to FTM trans people but doesn’t address what might under less woman-hating circumstances become of MTF trans people? Does this comment mean that it doesn’t matter if we turn boys trans, only girls? Or is there something deeper at work here?

So there’s my (admittedly basic) take on this. Readers, I’d love your input because I’m sure there are far more articulate arguments for both sides of the coin. Over to you.

by Ruth Moss

A conversation that was started when Arwyn wrote about sexism in children’s literature, and continued here and here (and also on twitter and by email – if you’re not twittering – why not?) has had me thinking for weeks now.

No matter what we say to our pre-schoolers, they’re going to encounter the mainstream at some point, whether that’s through television, friends, school, nursery…

The most privileged members of society are also usually the most mainstream.

How do we counter that?

And what if their home environment matches up with what they see on television, in magazines, in books? My son will grow up child to a white, heterosexual, cisgendered, married, able-bodied couple. Will he ever even think to question his priviledge? Will my voice disappear in the baying of the other voices telling him exactly what is “normal” and what is “other”?

Looking at the darling of UK pre-school children’s programming, CBeebies, the majority of the presenters are overwhelmingly white (there was a very brief couple of days where Sid and Skye were the main presenters but this ended far too quickly). And in the programmes themselves, the vast majority are headed up by men. A quick tally count (off the top of my head – but I am a bit of an expert!) reels off 18 male-fronted shows, and three female-fronted ones.

Of course there are some shows, such as Charlie and Lola, where arguably the character that is given the most air time is the female one, or Balamory and Me Too, where the starting character is a woman (interestingly enough, in both cases, a Nursery Teacher), but then we’d have to start counting programmes like In the Night Garden, where Iggle Piggle is the starting and ending character, as male dominated.

I can’t think of a single programme on CBeebies where the central character is not able-bodied. And as for GLBT characters? Whilst I do appreciate that programming for pre-schoolers tends not to explore issues around relationships, would it really be that much of a leap of imagination for, say, one of the children in Charlie and Lola, for example, to have two Dads, just as an “aside”? I’m not entirely sure how one would “depict” a trans person as opposed to a cis-gendered person, in cartoon or puppet format, but at least as a tiny starter would it really be too difficult to have a young boy that wears dresses, as in this book? (I appreciate that in itself comes with some very negative connotations, so any suggestions welcome.)

I know there was a big hoo ha (or should that be ha-hoo?) over ten years ago now with the arrival of the Teletubbies and Tinky Winky, the big purple one with the handbag and occasionally tutu, and the “ZOMG our kids will be turned gay!!!” reaction that ensued, especially in the more right winged parts of the US. But as I say, that was over ten years ago now. Surely we’ve moved on by now. If we can have an openly bisexual character in older children’s TV programming in the form of Captain Jack Harkness, surely we can tweak a few things in CBeebies?

Otherwise I might even have to start turning off the television.

by Ruth Moss

Well, yesterday was blog for choice day and I missed it. But by the power of twitter, and thanks to blue milk, I’ve managed to get my act together in time for today.

I have a confession, which is that I haven’t always been pro-choice. To be fair, I was raised as an evangelical Christian and my “only in cases of rape and incest” views were actually pretty damn liberal amongst my peers!

When I rejected the religion I was brought up into, I started to reject the “pro-life” stance I’d been taking. It happened slowly, mind you. I came, at first, to view abortion as a kind of “sometimes-necessary evil”. I supposed, that in some cases, say, where contraception had failed, or where economic circumstances were such that a baby would be born into breathtaking poverty, or where a baby would be so severely disabled they would have no quality of life or… well, you get the picture.

I thought of abortion kind of in the way my sister-in-law (a vegetarian) thinks of meat eating. Not particularly nice, and she’d never do it herself, but as long as it’s done as humanely as possible and as little as possible it was the best of a bad job.

Gradually my views started to change. But it wasn’t until I became pregnant and had a baby myself that I realised I really was totally pro-choice. Because pregnancy was awful; the morning sickness (and afternoon, and evening sickness, and night sickness), the exhaustion and lethargy and sheer inability to move on occasion; and then the labour, with the pain which was like torture to me and about which I still get flashbacks; then the episiotomy which had me weeing standing up for several weeks (and I still can’t use my mooncup even now); the pelvic floor problems, the occasional leakage; the sleepless nights… and this was all for a much-wanted and much-loved child.

(Don’t get me wrong, I know not every woman’s pregnancy is like this. There were some complications in my case – won’t go into them now – and I know for some women a pregnancy is a joy. I think if I ever have a second child it might be a different story.)

The thought of putting another woman through this, against her will? Seems like torture to me. And that’s what we’re talking about when we talk about being anti-abortion. Forcing women to endure pregnancy and labour against their will.

However, once you identify as “pro choice” you have some uneasy decisions to make. Are you pro-choice all the time? Are you, for example, pro-choice whe it comes to women aborting only female foetuses? Are you pro-choice when it comes to abortion for foetuses where the resulting child could have a disability?

And… are you pro-choice when it comes to the other choice, the choice to keep the foetus, and have a baby? Are you pro-choice when it comes to, say, a post-menopausal woman gaining fertility treatment to conceive  a child? Are you pro-choice even in an over-populated world? Are you pro-choice even though you believe motherhood is a problematic, even patriarchal construct?

Are you pro-choice, all the time?

Helen over at Bird of Paradox wrote a great post this morning talking about the lack of trans-friendly books for children, which she has kindly given permission for me to reproduce here. My son is only three, and showing minimal signs of being any specific gender so far, but she has really got me thinking about what information and education on transgenderism/transsexualism is currently available and unavailable, both to help kids who are experiencing symptoms of gender dysphoria themselves, for children of transgendered people as a way of showing ‘families like ours’ in children’s literature, and also as a method of explaining transgenderism to children to try to raise them to understand and challenge cissexism and transphobia.

So here’s Helen’s piece – any comments which you would like Helen to read should be made on her blog, but we’d really appreciate people’s input here as well. Thanks to Helen for her wonderful writing and for letting me post this piece here.

Trans-Friendly Books For Children
By Helen G of Bird of Paradox

Over the past few days I’ve been having an interesting discussion with Ruth and Anji of Mothers For Women’s Lib about the availability (or otherwise) of books that might appeal to quite young children whilst at the same time providing information for them on trans issues. We got on to the subject after reading this post, over at the Raising My Boychick blog, which was actually on the subject of sexism and stereotyping in children’s books, but in which the blog author, Arwyn, made this passing remark:

…what’s a good word, cisgenderism? (One can’t even call it transphobia, for it’s more the complete lack of acknowledgment that gender isn’t always obvious, simple, and binary. Transphobia might be a step up.)

Transphobia a step up? Now that’s a truly depressing thought, to say the least…

There seems to be a comparatively large number of books written around the subject of gay and lesbian relationships but we could find nothing about transsexuality. It occurs that this is an area which perhaps should be given more attention by authors and publishers, given that it’s not uncommon for trans children to know at quite an early age that they have a degree of gender dissonance. In my own case, I can remember very clearly the day when, aged five, I realised that “something wasn’t right with my body”. But I had neither the language nor the resources to say or do anything about it.

Certainly, there’s a range of help available online – the Department of Health has its own downloadable document, Medical care for gender variant children and young people: answering families’ questions; in addition GIRES (the Gender Identity Research and Education Society), Queer Youth Network and TYFA (TransYouth Family Allies) all offer various resources, although they seem aimed at mostly at parents and older children.

Targetting that particular demographic makes good sense, but I wonder if perhaps children themselves should be given access to the tools they need to help them in their own self-identification. To paraphrase Ruth, “I am thinking of something the five-year old Helen could have read that might have helped… but also something that the five-year old Helen would have actually been likely to read rather than have been stuck in a ‘specialist’ bookshop like News from Nowhere whilst Helen read Thomas the Tank and the Hobbit”.

It’s a difficult and emotive subject, I understand that, but my discussions with Ruth and Anji have really started me thinking. And if anyone has any suggestions for suitable trans-friendly children’s books, or wishes to engage in the general discussion, please feel free to leave comments.

I’m a little late with this week’s links, thanks to Ruth for reminding me! Ahh, the power of Twitter.

As an aside, I’d love it if readers and contributors both could send me their favourite links; you can email me, send me a message on Twitter, leave a comment here or send it to me via Delicious or StumbleUpon, whichever is your method of choice.

For now though, here are this month’s links:

• Trans-friendly books for children – “There seems to be a comparatively large number of books written around the subject of gay and lesbian relationships but we could find nothing about transsexuality. It occurs that this is an area which perhaps should be given more attention by authors and publishers, given that it’s apparently quite common for trans children to know at quite an early age that they have a degree of gender dissonance. In my own case, I can remember very clearly the day when, aged five, I realised that “something wasn’t right with my body”. But I had neither the language nor the resources to say or do anything about it.”

• Calpol: pain relief with a little gender role reinforcement on the side. – This advert for Calpol has been causing twenty second bursts of intense pain in my brain recently. Because for boys getting back to their ‘normal’ selves means racing around on scooters, having water fights and scaring little girls with slimy worms, while for girls it means wearing pink, playing with mummy’s make-up and screaming at said worms. Comforting stuff.

• Dial A for abuse – “Me, age 11, gripping a white phone in a purple room … Three pairs of expectant eyes looked at me with astonishment, relief and fear. I turned away from them, threading the spiral cord between my knuckles, and swallowed against the lump of uncertainty in my throat. After I finished telling their story to the stranger on the other end of the line, I realised that I had been holding my breath and breathing too quickly all at once, my heart racing yet steady. Adrenaline coursed through my veins and formed a knot in my stomach. I listened the advice I was given, nodded, and gently returned the phone to its cradle. I turned and faced the six eyes again, the eyes of my sixth grade best friends, who had joined hands in silent camraderie.“They said we should tell a trusted adult,” I said in a low voice. “Who do you think that should be?” At their insistence, that person was to be my mother and the person breaking the news to her would be me.”

• Because I Had The Choice – “This was the first time he had heard of such a thing but I felt that it was important to discuss this with him. Destruction can be certain of one thing, because I had a choice he is a wanted child. When I became pregnant with him 8 years ago, I sat and thought about wether or not I was capable of raising a child, what the financial liabilities would be, the ways in which my life would change and if I even wanted to be a mother. I was able to ask these questions because I live in a country where I had a choice. There was no spectre of a back alley abortion, or a coat hanger that might lead to certain death. The ability to choose meant that the decision I made all those years ago to become a mother makes Destruction a wanted child.”

• What does a feminist mother look like? – “I’ve been on the hunt for other feminist parent blogs, and I found the motherlode at blue milk. I imagine I will be filling up my RSS reader with the plethora of amazing feminist parent blogs linked to from there. Finding this abundance, when I started this blog largely because I hadn’t heard this voice before, both intimidated and inspired me; it makes me want to close up shop with a redirect to blue milk and a “what she said” note, and gives me hope of finding an audience and has me thinking of a hundred new blog posts of my own.One of them (this one) you could call a cheat, or a meme, but I, like blue milk, call it: What does a feminist mother look like?”

• Feminism and Motherhood – “Blue Milk has a list of 10 questions on being a feminist mother that I’ve always thought about answering but never have. I figure today’s as good as any other day, especially since I’m going to be sitting here a while comforting the boys.”

Once upon a time, I said I was going to post my favourite feminist parenting links every Sunday. I failed spectacularly. So here’s a lovely bunch of links for your reading pleasure, and now I’ll try to do it every Friday. Honest! Also I promise I will write a proper post soon, as Ruth has been pretty much holding us up for a while (thanks Ruth, your posts rock, and remind me to pull my finger out and write something of worth here myself) just as soon as I’m not being pulled in forty directions at once. So here are some interesting things for you to read in the meantime:

Should we not dress girls in pink?

“Sue Palmer, author of Toxic Childhood, says the “total obsession” with pink stunts girls’ personalities. “I am very worried about it. You can’t find girls over the age of three who aren’t obsessed with the colour. It’s under their skin from a very early age and severely limits choices, and decisions.

We have got to get something done about the effect marketeers are having. We are creating little fluffy pink princess, an image of girliness, that is very specific and which some girls don’t want to go along with, but due to overwhelming peer pressure, are having to conform to.

So successful have toymakers been in creating a girl’s world painted purely pink, that a study by speech therapists in Durham shows children having no problem identifying the colour blue, but saying “Barbie” when shown pink.”

Why feminists shouldn’t have to keep mum

As a feminist and a mother, I think recent (and indeed not so recent) feminist positions on pregnancy, motherhood and childcare blow the alternatives out of the water. The central chapters of French’s The Women’s Room cover in wonderful, painful detail just how boring, lonely and restrictive caring for children full-time can be. This is not an instance of a feminist demeaning or attacking mothers. It’s an impassioned cry for help and support, and one that we shouldn’t be drowning out with mutterings about how all mothers really need is more respect. I’m so thankful I read The Women’s Room and other works before becoming a mother myself, as I was able to go into it with my eyes open, and find a different way of living with my partner and son, one which made sense for us as individuals, not as play-actors taking on the mummy and daddy roles that most people struggle to shoehorn themselves into.

Time to end parental leave discrimination

Parental leave entitlements In the UK are the most asymmetric in Europe. The mother gets six weeks of maternity leave paid at 90% of her weekly salary; a further 33 weeks at the statutory maternity pay level (£117.18 a week, or 90% of salary if this is lower); and a further 13 weeks unpaid. The current government has taken several steps to increase this amount, and the proportion that is paid, and this is commendable. The mother’s partner gets two weeks at the statutory pay level and no more. (Despite being called paternity leave, the partner doesn’t have to be the father, and doesn’t have to be male.)

The Other Half Of The Choice

“While the right to have an abortion is definitely important, so is becoming a mother. Where are the spaces in which we discuss this choice actively and the changes and sacrifices that it entails? Where are the places that we openly celebrate the joy the comes with bringing a new life into this world? Destruction and Mayhem are the love of my life, and yet in most feminist spaces it feels as though this love no matter how great, can only be conceptualized in the ways it which creates poverty, or stress. Where are the places that we talk about the laughter that we share with our children, or the moments when they make you so proud that your chest positively swells.”

PinkStinks – The Campaign for real role models

Aimed at girls between the ages of 6 and 12 years old and their parents. We believe that the media’s obsession with stick-thin models, footballers’ wives, and overtly sexualised pop stars is denying girls their right to aspire to and learn from real role models. We aim to redress the balance by providing girls with positive female role models, chosen because of their achievements, skills, accomplishments and successes. … We believe that these images of women should be ubiquitous, not the overtly sexualised ones we have all become so used to and accept as the norm. Whilst we are often more than familiar with the inane and inconsequential exploits of many ‘celebrities’, we seem blissfully unaware that there are women out there discovering cures for cancer, saving the environment, leading nations, travelling into space and breaking sporting records. It’s these women that need exposure in order to inspire, motivate, encourage and enthuse our girls.

Breastfeeding is NOT illegal!

“There has never been any indication from the Government, police, courts or any official body that under any circumstances would breastfeeding in public be regarded as ‘lewd and lascivious’ behavior. There has never been any arrest, let alone trial or conviction, and any decent lawyer would get this laughed out of court instantly by showing the sexual inadequacies of those prosecuting if they suggested that they found breastfeeding ‘lewd’.

To repeat – merely showing a naked breast, with or without a naked nipple, is never indecent. The indecency laws do not and never have applied, and any suggestion that they do is helping the opponents of breastfeeding discourage public breastfeeding.”

Angelina Jolie: The Worlds Greatest Mother

There is nothing that Angelina does on an ordinary day to differentiate herself from any other mother. She does not love her children anymore than I love mine. I am sick and tired that every time we seek to praise some key aspect of women’s lives it is always represented by a rich white woman of privilege.

Enough of the monolithic womanhood. Enough of the erasure of women of colour. There can be no sisterhood as long as we are not represented in discussions that are central to women’s lives. The whole idea of a white woman being the ideal and sole representative of motherhood is insulting. It is time to step off of the pedestal Jolie, despite your high ranking on the coolness meter, motherhood is about more than class and race.

International Mothers Network

The initial goal of the IMN is to invite mother organizations from around the world to join this network; in particular, progressive mothers groups – mothers from the global south, mothers in poverty, mothers with disabilities, welfare mothers, grandmother caregivers and others.

Our hope is that the network will lead to a more mother-centred world by bringing together diverse mother groups to work toward influencing public discussion as well as exploring alternate economic and societal structures. The IMN will provide a sense of community, promote public awareness and affect change.

Breastfeeding Bingo!

“My breastfeeding bingo game… turned into a postcard by Lisa at Lactivist! Basically you get bingo when you have received all of the comments on the postcard… a full house!”

Salma Hayek “still” breastfeeding – world can’t decide whether to jerk off or prosecute

“This is a montage of images from hyperventilating stories about Salma Hayek “Still”! Breastfeeding! At! 13! Months!

The world has burst into a babblefest of gossip about how bizarre this is. There has been an outpouring of shock and disdain, complete with accusations of perversity and child sexual abuse. Here’s a sampling of the buzz.

…Why are the presses stopped? Because Salma Hayek’s breasts are public property, that’s why.”

Girl Dolls That Look Like Actual Girls

“These dolls look like girls. Not babies or late adolescents, but girls. And the business was started by a Western Australian woman, Helen Schofield.

The characters have actual hobbies that don’t involve conspicuous consumption or beauty rituals. Amy plays sports, Belle snorkels at the beach, Jasmine is a muso, and Emily loves animals and is rocking her hiking boots. None of them are ‘sassy’ or ‘foxy’ or ‘hot’.”

About Feminist Mothers

“Here are 10 11 thoughts on the experience of feminist mothers from a bunch of great women thinkers. I tried to choose quotes that would cover a range of experiences for mothers today and I looked for quotes that stopped me in my tracks and made me think. Most of these quotes sounded like more eloquent versions of my own private thoughts.”

Barbarous Rituals – 84 Ways To Feminize Humans

An amazing, insightful and thought-provoking list of ways in which human beings are feminised, how little girls are taught to be ‘girls’ and how the way is paved for the othering of women throughout their lives. From Documents From The Women’s Liberation Movement.

Pro Choice Because I Am A Mother

“Then there are those magazines that tell you what a home is “supposed to look like” and you find yourself dreaming about not having an elmo chair that giggles and rotates as the centrepiece of your living room. How about discovering that your child has their own taste in decorating as they scribble on walls and peel and eat your wallpaper. No need to be on trading spaces with kids, they’ll do the work for you.

There are also times when you will fantasize about the day when walking down your stairs is not going to constitute an act of bravery because of the toys left there; who knew breaking a finger could hurt that badly. How about learning that no matter how amazing the lego structures looks, stepping on one early in the morning hurts like hell.”

Pink, It’s The Colour Of…

“Where I did find pink was for services that were exclusively for women. There’s a taxi service in Mumbai that’s supposed to be especially for women. And sure enough, it had a pink thing going — the cars had a pink line painted somewhere and the female chauffeurs wore pink uniforms. More googling revealed that similar women’s only taxi services in the UK and in Russia and almost everywhere else also had pink names and pink themes.

It is clear that pink is seen as a women’s colour in many places, and it is also clear that wherever this prejudice prevails, pink seems to vanish from the public eye. And it is not like I am surprised. If something is defined as definitely, exclusively meant for one group of people, the other group is made uncomfortable by it. In a world where everything must sell, nobody can afford to alienate customers.”

Feminist Parenting: The TV Dilemma

“Knowing that the media can play a strong role in shaping how children see themselves, many parents come to view television as a mixed blessing. On the one hand, lots of television programs are educational, and can provide over-worked parents with a way to entertain the kids for a few minutes while meals are prepared or little sister’s diapers are changed. On the other, even ‘family friendly’ programs might include messages dangerous to a kid’s self-esteem – and the commercials are sure to play-up all the gender stereotypes that could help build better little consumers. So, what are feminist moms and dads (and feminist aunts, uncles, and babysitters) to do? We clearly want kids to benefit from the good, but not be exposed to the bad.”

The baby blues: Study finds a third of mothers slip down career ladder

“For decades mothers of young children have complained about not being taken seriously in the workplace, but research published today reveals for the first time the extent to which professional women are forced to slide down the career ladder to find jobs that allow them to spend time with their family.

Women managers wanting to work part-time after a baby are seeing their talents and qualifications wasted because they can only find employment well below their skill levels, according to the most comprehensive UK study of the impact of motherhood on careers.

Almost half of women professionals who downgrade to lower skilled part-time roles move to jobs where the average employee does not have A-levels, leaving three years or more of higher level education and training underused, according to academics at Oxford University and University of East Anglia.”

How to raise a feminist son

” I have spent a lot of time asking myself this very, very important question: How do I teach my son to not abuse his privilege?

To be sure, I recognize the privilege my son received by accident of birth. He was born to two white, middle-class parents. I have a college education, as does my current partner and my son’s father. He is an only child, and has four grandparents in his life that absolutely dote on him. There is a never-ending supply of love, learning, and involvement. My son has opportunities that many children are not blessed with. Obviously, I don’t think I’m the perfect parent, nor is his environment guaranteed to always work in his favor. I make mistakes, I do stupid things, and I don’t spend nearly enough time thinking about how my parenting reflects my feminist beliefs.

However, I do spend a lot of time analyzing the role that early childhood shapes who we become, and especially how parental beliefs can conflict with what society teaches our children. Below are some of my musings – I would love to have a conversation about how we should be raising young boys to actively engage in our world in a feminist manner.”

Lesson one in “Mother Blaming and Shaming”

“What happens when the most productive work on the planet isn’t recognised? What happens when this work, the work of rearing the next generation of productive workers is mythologised into ”mothers are angels in training”? This is what happens. Any success you achieve goes uncelebrated as work, because this work, while done with love, is really just ’nurturing’, an innate biological function of your gender, a generosity and a purity that came with your ovaries. And any failures you experience, rather than being related to the complexity of the work or the precariousness of your status as an invisible worker, are instead nothing short of your own moral failure.”

By Ruth Moss

The original author of this blog started to write about her postnatal depression, but didn’t get chance to finish it.

I think this is a very important issue, and a feminist issue. But I come at it from a different perspective than many others, and one that feels a bit embarrassing to the feminist in me.

I had a difficult, induced birth and my baby was taken from me to Special Care almost straight away. I really struggled breastfeeding in the early days, with nipples that felt like they’d gone two rounds with a cheese grater. And I got no support, really. Family and friends’ advice ranged from “you’ve done so well, no one would judge you if you stopped” to “you’re just being stubborn and trying to prove a point”. Actual real help was in short supply.

And I started to feel I was going mad. I felt like I was totally alone, and I started to suffer from paranoia. I was convinced the entire world wanted to stop me from breastfeeding my baby. I woke in the night, not with the baby (although that happened too, obviously) but with fear and blind panic.

Trouble was, everyone seemed to think that it was continuing to breastfeed that was making me anxious and depressed and thought they were being kind by advising, persuading and almost coercing me to stop. My husband drove me in the early morning to Boots to buy some ready-made formula, which he insisted was the only solution. I remember walking around the shopping aisles crying. I must have looked a sorry state!

And others thought that what would be just the ticket was a good night out, or at least a nice meal out, away from the baby, away from Mumming. But the truth was, any separation from my baby made me panic even more. I went for a meal with my husband in The Bottle and Glass, a posh pub just outside of St Helens, while my little one was at my mother-in-law’s. I sat there the entire time distant and depressed, barely able to speak.

However, with some fluoxetine (also known as prozac) and, eventually, some skilled breastfeeding support, I started to feel much, much better.

My brief brush with postnatal depression was over, or so I thought. I had escaped almost harm-free.

Until I went back to work. Truth to be told, I didn’t want to return to work. It doesn’t sound very feminist, does it? I wanted to be a stay-at-home Mum / full-time Mum / whatever you prefer to call it. But events took over. I always feel the need, in attachment parenting circles, to justify why I couldn’t afford it, just what obstacles were thrown in our way, what unexpected bills, what problems – but hopefully, on a feminist web site I don’t need to justify myself as much. I’ll just say – I couldn’t afford it in the end. We couldn’t afford it. I think sometimes people forget it’s not just the mother’s decision. People say “you could have done it, you just needed to make sacrifices”. Sometimes this comes from people who have sacrificed everything and downsized their life completely. But sometimes it comes from people who have sold the third car and gone on a European holiday instead of to Barbados.

People – both sets – seem to forget that it’s not just up to the mother whether or not she’s prepared to make sacrifices. It’s the mother’s partner, too, if she has one, who has to be prepared to down their standard of living. I might have been prepared, at least for a little while longer, to live on supersaver food, to default on some of the bills, to get rid of the mobile phone and internet… but there was no way in the world my partner was going to.

But I digress. Instead of going back into my old job as a Recruitment Consultant I got a temping job in the NHS, doing basic clerical work: filing, copy-typing and bits and bobs. It wasn’t particularly well paid but I quite enjoyed it. After 48+ hour working weeks in Liverpool (just over an hour away door to door by train) it almost felt like part-time to be working 830-430 in Whiston – ten minutes by bus, or on a nice day, a 45 minute walk. The work was great; basically you’d get in in the morning, someone would give you some stuff to do, and you’d do it. No masses of thinking needed. I did a few extra bits and pieces to help out, like designing an annual leave spreadsheet, and a few database-type things.

But after a few months, a permanent job elsewhere came up which I applied for and got. And then the trouble started. It was quite a complex job; although the job title was “Administrator” it was much more than admin; it was almost like an Office Manager role with some bookkeeping thrown in for good measure. It also required long periods being alone in the office. In fact, I had my own office – my own room, I should say – and a request to move into the main room with the other staff members was declined. I think the Manager was scared I’d be too distracted, but in fact, being on my own so often actually made matters worse.

Every day that went by I felt worse and worse. And the awful truth was, separation from my child felt unbearable. I felt so far away from him, both mentally and physically, and being on my own so often made me feel odd.

I started to suffer moments of anxiety. I struggled to get any work done. From being the most organised person in the office in my previous, pre-baby role, I went to disorganised disaster. I got in trouble for it. That made things much, much worse. I felt like a lazy failure. And I felt paranoia coming back. I started to think my boss was watching me, monitoring me, talking about me behind my back with the other members of staff.

I started to get more and more panicky.Then I came down with a water infection (unknown to me at the time) and had a terrible, dreadful panic attack.  I went into work anyway. I sat on the train on the way to work shaking with fear. I thought I had been drugged, such was the feeling of paranoia. It felt like someone had put some acid, or strong skunk, in my food somehow. My mind raced around and around.

I got into work and sat on the floor, under my desk. I was in on my own, again. I called my husband, who worked in Warrington, and asked him to come and get me. I called one of the other employees and told her I had to go home. I called the IT person, with whom I was meant to be meeting that morning, and cancelled.

My husband came to my work and drove me home. I got an emergency appointment at the Doctor, who analysed the situation (I was also drinking lots of water, and going to the toilet very frequently) and told me I had not been drugged but was having a panic attack; he said that often, if you’ve had depression before, and then you get ill (he also diagnosed a UTI with a urine test) it “presents” with a panic attack.

After I knew that, I managed to stop panicking a little. And over the course of the rest of the evening, I was back to “normal”.

But after that, the panic attacks continued. Nothing ever quite as bad as that one, mainly because I knew they were coming, and could tell myself “it’s a panic attack, it’s a panic attack”, but still pretty debilitating.

I really started to struggle in work. I would sit in my office for long periods just staring into space. My boss was starting to notice and started to take steps to improve my performance (which also meant steps to get rid of me if I didn’t improve). Obviously, this made the anxiety much worse.

I visited the Doctor and begged her to put me back on the fluoxetine, but at a higher dose. She started me on the lower dose again. She offered to sign me off work for a while, but given everything that was going on, I declined.

I wish I’d taken those two weeks off. The fluoxetine made things worse, just as the Doctor had predicted. I got very behind with my work, but out of fear I hid how behind I was. Eventually, I took a day off with flu, and came back in the next day, a Friday, to find out my boss had been through my drawers and found out the amount of work that hadn’t been done. I was called to a meeting on the Monday with the boss and the Chair (who was a very unsympathetic and unlikeable lady) and rather than face them, I handed in my notice that Friday, the last Friday before Christmas.

I’m now looking for part-time work, something basic, something close to home, something that just enables us to keep going with all the bills, and mortgage, and still have a bit left over for the odd nice bottle of wine. My husband has kindly stepped up saying he is now happy to do this, seeming as full-time, permanent work affected me in this way.

I feel there’s still a stigma around postnatal depression – around any mental illness, really. But I also feel – whether rightly or wrongly – that within feminist circles, it’s fine to talk about the lonliness and depression of maternity leave, of feeling tied to your child and hating it – but talk about the dread of being separated from your child, about finding paid work the lonely sphere, not maternity leave (which, after those anxious and panicky early weeks, I quite enjoyed) and it’s a bit – well, it’s just not very feminist, is it? Betty Friedan would be turning in her grave! I don’t know if I’m imagining this response, if only a “straw feminist” would react with disapproval, but I know myself I feel almost as though I’ve “let the side down”.Especially with the reliance on my husband; isn’t that what the second-wavers were trying to get the hell away from?

The Doctor has finally agreed to double my dose of fluoxetine, and I’ve signed up with a few agencies in the hope of finding some temp work, until I can get that nice easy part-time close to home job. In the middle of a recession.

I’ve tried to put into words how I felt. But actually I will give you an image. Recently, a film came out called The Golden Compass. It was based on a book called Northern Lights. In the film, all children grow up having a daemon. This takes the form of an animal, rather akin to a “familiar”, but it is basically their soul. The child is attached to their daemon by an invisible force. One of the most harrowing scenes in the film is where the bad guys, who are trying to separate children from their daemons, get hold of the heroine, Lyra, and put her into the machine that will separate her from her daemon. Her panic, her fear, her horror – it’s all on her face in that moment, just before she is rescued.

And that look on her face, just then, encapsulates neatly how I felt when I was separated full time, permanently, from my child.

I appreciate not everyone feels like this. Some mothers cannot wait to get back to work; the “back to work for a rest” is only half a joke. I think feminism listens to these mothers, even if the mainstream doesn’t and believes they have to carry about some kind of guilt. But there are others, too, for whom separation actually makes things worse.

Can feminism embrace both sets of mothers? I hope so, it might just help restore my sanity.