i did smack him a few months ago(he is now 5),but as his response was to ask me to do it again i decided it just wasnt going to do any good.he has to learn to respect me,something neither smacking or ‘positive parenting’ can teach,just something i can only earn by not taking any s**t.

strangly enough,or maybe not,i have had no such problems with any of my 3 daughters.ok,my 10 year old is a bit hormonal and gobby,but she knows where to draw the line.am going to read ‘raising boys’ for a bit of insight,as i dont want to be raising the next generation of wife-beaters.

Why is this a feminist issue? Surely if a child is hit by their parents it is common sense to assume that we risk turning boys and girls into men and women that may hit ANYONE and that if a child witnesses their Father hit their Mother then this would result in violent husbands and wives expectant of violence? And what about wives that abuse their husbands? How might your doctrine explain this social phenomena?

But then again, why take common sense? common sense gave us the rule of thumb, didn’t it? Sometimes children need a smack if they are being REALLY bad…like putting themselves or another in danger. However, like Ruth alluded to if you educate them right in the first place you shouldn’t have to. Sometimes it is necessary but if you use it as the rule rather than the exception then maybe you shouldn’t have children.

Furthermore, there is a growing amount of evidence to suggest that smacking children, in discipline not abuse, has none of the effects which you describe:

http://wudhi.com/mwv/smacking%20dunedin.htm

I have come close to smacking a couple times but thankfully was able to rein myself in and come to my senses.

(smacking and outcomes in adulthood)

http://www.wellcome.ac.uk/News/Media-office/Press-releases/2003/WTD002918.htm

(smacking – you’re probably doing it harder than you think)

http://www.nospank.net/resrch.htm

Some stuff here:

http://educationalissues.suite101.com/article.cfm/spanking_and_deviate_behaviors

http://blogs.babiesonline.com/parenting/new-study-shows-negative-link-between-spanking-children-and-later-behavior/

(I think these refer to the same study actually)

You can also find lots of evidence that punishments (and rewards, strangely enough) work /in the short term but not the long term/ in Alfie Kohn’s incredibly well-researched and referenced book “Unconditional Parenting”, where he actually postulates an entirely new way of looking at children.

But even if a person is skeptical, and thinks there is only a /small/ chance that smacking could cause problems in adulthood – when there are so many methods of parenting out there that /don’t/ involve smacking – /why take the risk?/

“Lastly, I do not equate adults hitting each other (including men hitting their wives), with smacking my child. I am responsible for my child’s upbringing. No adult is responsible for MY upbringing when I am already an adult.”

Yes… and no. Some many years ago, a man would have said he was “responsible” for the conduct / behaviour of his wife and his children and that he was therefore entitled to reasonably chastise his wife. Maybe we need a new definition of responsibility?

I agree parents are responsible for their child’s / children’s upbringing. But I see this role as one of a gentle guide. I want him to do the right thing neither “because I said so and woe betide you” nor “because you will get a special sticker if you do” but because it’s the /right thing/.

Obviously I want to keep him safe. And if he goes for the cooker when it’s hot…

As a crawling baby I just didn’t cook when he was around, or used the microwave or the hob. I didn’t want to take the risk.

As a walking baby I explained “ouch! hot! hurt!” and mimicked the action of touching the cooker and hurting my hand.

As an older toddler… I have bought him his own play cooker because I understand the reason he wants to touch the real (hot) cooker… is because he’s only trying to be just like his Mummy and Daddy.

As a young child? I will explain the cooker is hot and it will hurt. If it persists I will ask him why he wants to touch the cooker when it is so hot? I will involve him in helping in the kitchen even with little things like mixing or pouring.

And as a teenager I’d bloody well hope he’s going to be doing his fair share of the cooking anyway!

Smacking a child does NOT equate to beating.

Ruth Moss, you say

“And those children will be very likely to grow up to hit. For some reason, boys that are hit tend to grow up to be violent, whereas girls that are hit are more likely to internalise it and expect to be hit – perhaps the difference between the way in which the sexes react to childhood hitting is a product of society’s expectations rather than the way they’re hit. Either way, hitting your child will ensure they equate a loving relationship with pain.”

Having gone on at length, I shall shut up now, but before anyone releases the hounds, think of all I haven’t said about each point. As I said, there are many factors, and covering them all here (assuming I knew them) would be impossible.

Currently there is a lot of outrage in the media because of Faderhuset (The House of Fathers). It’s a religious sect here in Denmark, it’s rather small, but some former members have told stories about how they as children were horribly abused there. It’s a Christian sect, which really favours the method “spare the rod and spoil the child”. Some of the people who have escaped the sect describe it as military bootcamp for 8 year olds. Kids that age being woken up in the middle of the night with a pistol aimed at their forehead etc ect. The stories are insane. And so far not much can be done about it, because all the police has to go on is stories. No evidence, no nothing.

The authorities keep saying they’re keeping an eye on the sect, but really…if horror stories from people who went through this as children AND horror stories from people who were so brain-washed as to do this to children. (yes, a precious few have come out admitting they’ve partaken in these things) are not enough for an intervention and rescue of the children here, then what is? Sheesh.