I have a three year old son, and I am a very cuddly person in general. Obviously, I want to smother the small child in hugs and kisses. It makes me so happy to get a big cuddle from my boy.
But. I think it is important to teach him to respect the idea that everyone should have control over their own bodies. (I do not mean that, like the woman in Germany – http://www.thelocal.de/14951/20081016/ - I would allow my son control in a way that would hurt him. Would I grab him without asking permission if he were about to run in front of a car? Of COURSE I would!) And one way I try to do this is by respecting his wishes when he says he doesn’t want a cuddle; doesn’t want me to kiss him. Yes, sometimes he says it just to try out how it feels to get his own way. That’s fine.
I hope, by respecting his boundaries and his control over his own body, I will be able to teach him that other people are in charge of their own body. Two days ago, I heard him asking a friend “Please may I hold your hand?” which makes me hope I’m on the right lines. When he grows up, if he dates, I want him to respect the boundaries of anyone (male or female) that he dates. If they say “No, I don’t want you to touch me there,” he will understand and accept it.
But if I don’t respect his boundaries, how can I expect him to respect others’?
October 18, 2008 at 2:54 pm
This is something I have a real problem with; it breaks my heart when he refuses me a cuddle or a kiss! You make some really good points though.
October 21, 2008 at 10:34 am
Absolutely, well said – although Anji you’re right it’s heartbreaking sometimes when they don’t want a kiss (why ever not?!) – but how can we tell our sons and daughters that “no means no” if we never listen when *they* say no? (And – which I was going to blog about on here and may still do if that’s okay – how can we tell them not to hit others… if we hit them?)
So true – but as you say, so difficult sometimes!
The woman in Germany is a very interesting case. What would you have done in that situation?
I have a toddler who does not like to get dressed in the mornings but I have to drop him with his nan at a certain time so I can catch my train for work.
He is eighteen months now and I am careful to explain to him that he needs to wear clothes because it is cold in the park (where his Nan takes him most mornings) and sometimes just saying “Nan” gets him so excited (he says “dack! dack!” which is a cross between duck and quack) that he forgets I’m trying to put his clothes on.
Sometimes when he doesn’t want to wear clothes and I have to go to work, I make it into a game, you know, “I’m coming to get you and put your clothes on” and he runs away – when I catch him he’s normally giggling so much again he doesn’t realise he’s being dressed.
But occasionally it just comes down to, you need to be dressed and nothing is working so I am going to dress you, and yes, unfortunately, it is against his will. Which is sad. So I dress him as quick as I possibly can, and empathise with him while I do it “you don’t like getting dressed, you don’t like wearing clothes, I understand, I’ll dress you quickly”.
But, if I am in with him of a weekend, in the house, I let him run around naked (yes our heating bills are high!) for as long as he wants – and he seems to have some kind of understanding of when he needs a wee now, as a kind of side effect!
Also I try where possible to buy vests and undergarments in soft organic cotton (I would love to buy his whole wardrobe like this but it’s ridiculously expensive) in case one of the reasons he doesn’t like clothes, is because they are uncomfortable – maybe his skin is sensitive? I don’t know because he can’t tell me yet, but I just want to be sure.
I’m so glad you wrote this – it really is high time we woke up to the fact that children will treat the world how they themselves are treated.
October 21, 2008 at 1:06 pm
Absolutely, well said – although Anji you’re right it’s heartbreaking sometimes when they don’t want a kiss (why ever not?!) – but how can we tell our sons and daughters that “no means no” if we never listen when *they* say no? (And – which I was going to blog about on here and may still do if that’s okay – how can we tell them not to hit others… if we hit them?)
So true – but as you say, so difficult sometimes!
The woman in Germany is a very interesting case. What would you have done in that situation?
I have a toddler who does not like to get dressed in the mornings but I have to drop him with his nan at a certain time so I can catch my train for work.
He is eighteen months now and I am careful to explain to him that he needs to wear clothes because it is cold in the park (where his Nan takes him most mornings) and sometimes just saying “Nan” gets him so excited (he says “dack! dack!” which is a cross between duck and quack) that he forgets I’m trying to put his clothes on.
Sometimes when he doesn’t want to wear clothes and I have to go to work, I make it into a game, you know, “I’m coming to get you and put your clothes on” and he runs away – when I catch him he’s normally giggling so much again he doesn’t realise he’s being dressed.
But occasionally it just comes down to, you need to be dressed and nothing is working so I am going to dress you, and yes, unfortunately, it is against his will. Which is sad. So I dress him as quick as I possibly can, and empathise with him while I do it “you don’t like getting dressed, you don’t like wearing clothes, I understand, I’ll dress you quickly”.
But, if I am in with him of a weekend, in the house, I let him run around naked (yes our heating bills are high!) for as long as he wants – and he seems to have some kind of understanding of when he needs a wee now, as a kind of side effect!
Also I try where possible to buy vests and undergarments in soft organic cotton (I would love to buy his whole wardrobe like this but it’s ridiculously expensive) in case one of the reasons he doesn’t like clothes, is because they are uncomfortable – maybe his skin is sensitive? I don’t know because he can’t tell me yet, but I just want to be sure.
I’m so glad you wrote this – it really is high time we woke up to the fact that children will treat the world how they themselves are treated.
October 21, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Anji – yes, it’s horrible when he refuses cuddles. I tend to find some other way of touching him in those circs – tickling him or poking him or shaking hands with him, because I really want to touch him, but at the same time, if he’s said ‘no cuddle, not today’ then I try hard to stick to it.
Ruth – there seem to be a lot of children who hate getting dressed and I’m totally with the idea of letting them run around the house with no clothes on if that’s what they want. But when it’s going to cause distress or harm in some way to my boy? I am going to explain why I’m doing it (I’ve done this since he was FAR too young to understand) and go on with it. He is getting to an age where he understands what I’m saying (for example “This is a car park so…” I pause, and he finishes “I hold your hand”. He doesn’t always *want* to hold my hand, but he knows that it’s the car park rule and accepts it.) which makes it a LOT easier!