Mothers For Women’s Lib

I was thinking about Penni’s f word article the other day. I too have a little boy and am trying to raise him no differently than I would a little girl. It’s more difficult than you might think. Our culture seems to hard-wire us to treat little boys and girls differently. In fact there have been numerous studies showing that we do treat boys and girls differently, from birth:

As a general rule, we are much stricter with boys. We put up with crying and whining less, we discipline harder and more physically. We respond to crying girls faster and with more comfort. But we’re also more tolerant of adventurous or dangerous behaviour in boys than we are in girls.

But the fact is, that in the early months – years, even – it can be quite difficult to tell a baby boy from a baby girl. We can only treat boys and girls differently when we know which are girls, and which are boys.

Thankfully, we’re helped by the prevalence of pink and blue clothes that enable us to tell the difference between little boys, and little girls. Thank goodness. Otherwise we might treat small children equally. Who knows where that might lead? More adventurous females? More nurturing males? Oh heaven forbid!

I appreciate that as girls and boys reach puberty, their bodies do start to differ, and they tend to star requiring different shapes in their clothing (although obviously the clothing industry exaggerates these differences ad nauseum). But babies, toddlers and small children have very few differences at all. Little boys have a penis, which requires a slightly different fold of booster in a cotton nappy than the little girls’ nappy. That’s it. Oh, okay, I also accept that culturally, dresses are very strictly “female only” (although boys are “allowed” kilts). But apart from this, why the huge differences? Why is it so essential that we can tell little boys from little girls?

And I do think it’s damaging to separate them like this, and so early. I’m not sure that the baby boy or girl can internalise the difference between “pink” and “blue” (although who knows for sure?) but the danger comes when we know what sex they are and treat them accordingly.

As an aside, I also think that a lot of boys’ clothes – in particular, shoes in mainstream shops – are simply quite ugly. In two major supermarket chains the baby boys’ clothes are very conservative. They are all quite dark colours; browns, blacks, khakis and the occasional blue. Whereas in the same supermarkets, the girls’ clothes are awash with bright colours; purples, raspberries, pinks, reds and also blues. And that’s before we even get started on shoes. Here, not only is it the colours that are different, but the styles too. Boys have clunky, solid, almost military-looking blues, browns and dark greens. Girls have flimsy pinks and sparkles. Neither is particularly satisfactory, come to think of it.

I’m talking mainstream shops of course; there are some shops – internet based, mainly – that go against the grain and offer baby and toddler shoes chosen by colour or material, rather than stripping it down to gender. But in the main, what are we saying to our children? You are a boy. You must not like pretty things. Your role is purely functional. You must not be adorned in any way. You are meant to be practical. And you, you are a girl. You exist purely as decoration.

And remember, we treat them how we see them. Boys or girls. Ugly or flimsy.

I said earlier that I understood to some extent that culturally boys don’t wear dresses, but that I didn’t see why the rest of baby clothes had to be split according to gender. But when I looked into it further, I discovered that once, baby boys did wear dresses.

In fact, this tradition, of dressing boys in girls’ clothes until they were an older toddler / younger child, went on until the late part of the nineteenth century. Indeed christening dresses may well be a remnent of this. When a boy was ready to be dressed in boys’ clothes, it was called breeching, which referred to breeches, which were similar to trousers.

Apparently this was the point where the child’s father was more prepared to take an interest in the raising of the boy. I wonder if perhaps it coincided with weaning (either the mother weaning the child from the breast, or the child returning full-time from the wet nurse) as we know weaning tended to occur much later than it does in breastfed babies these days. There does seem to be a similarity in ages, anyhow, and we know that the final weaning was a kind of early “rite of passage”; weaning from the breast meant a child was finally independent from its mother or its nurse, as it could survive on other foods and fluids instead and did not need to have constant access to the breast. It would not surprise me if breeching coincided with weaning as the little boy was able to spent more time with the father away from the mother or nurse.

I wonder whether young children, in the main raised by their mothers rather than their fathers, were treated as more “gender neutral” before they were breeched, in those days? Or even treated all as “little girls”; responded to quickly when they cried, disciplined less harshly, discouraged from danger? I’m not saying the way we treat little girls is the “right way” of course, but that we should attempt at least to treat all babies the same way and see where their natural personalities take them.

However, babies now tend to be breeched from birth; the advent of ultrasound technology means we barely have a need even for gender neutral newborn-sized clothes (although a few manufacturers still produce these, as not everyone chooses to discover the sex of their baby).

I’m not sure our culture has the appitite to bring back the days of dressing all young children in dresses. But please, please, please can we have far more “gender neutral” clothes? We don’t really need to split clothes into “boys” and “girls”; can’t we just have them split into type of item? Rompers, trousers, t-shirts, vests, dresses etc., all in a vast array of colours; red, green, yellow and yes, pink, and blue.

Because if we don’t know if a baby is a girl or a boy, we will have to treat it as a baby human.

I too am a new blogger for Feminist Mums, and very glad to be here. Ruth and I managed to write pieces, quite separately, on issues to do with Feminism and Motherhood for The F Word in the same week, and I enjoyed Ruth’s very much. I ought to be able to do the same sort of whizzy linkage that she did, but I’m technologically challenged, and shall just say that mine was on gender issues, was called Why My Son Wears Pink, and can be found here – http://www.thefword.org.uk/features/2008/08/why_my_son_wear

I have a particular interest in gender issues. I had to give up my MPhil, which was on the topic of Gender in Children’s Literature (to be specific, in The Chalet School books - a series of girls’ school stories), which I regret. But given a not-so-small son (he’ll be three in a couple of weeks), a slight financial crisis and a long term disability (I have ME, aka CFIDS, and have done for the past 15 years), it has not been feasible to continue. But I am very interested in gender issues – and, also, in children’s literature, of which I read a great deal (and no, not just for my son’s sake, but because of my own unashamed love).

I also care deeply about environmental issues and disability issues: I write occasionally for the magazine Disability Now, for example; and am trying to get publication in green magazines or websites. Interestingly, reading Ruth’s latest post I was reminded once again of a place where mothering and disability problems overlap – she was writing about the difficulty of getting pushchairs round many shops, and I can assure you that the same applies to wheelchairs!

My primary ‘work’ is looking after my son and loving my family (an easy job), but I also work one day a week in support services at a university and write fiction and non-fiction for publication in a wide range of styles, genres and forms. And I’m glad to be here, and to feel that I may be adding something to resources for mothers.

When you become a mother, you often feel shut out; not just metaphorically but literally. If you’re a pram user, buses often won’t let you on. If you want a cup of tea in your local Weatherspoons, but have a child with you, you have to buy a full-price meal otherwise you’re out on your ear. If you should commit the heinous crime of fancying a light ale avec infant you’re incredibly limited to where you can go.

And then there are the places that don’t shut you out, but don’t exactly go out of their way to welcome you either. Think of how many restaurants there are that allow children… but only have one or two high chairs, and no baby change facility. If you want to warm a bottle you’re told no, for “health and safety”. How many shops with tight aisles down which you struggle to push a pram. If your child is acting normally just think of how many glares you get. And if you show more than the permitted amount of breast (or heaven forbid, nipple) when nursing, how many heads shake and how many tuts do you hear?

What would the world look like if children were truly welcome?

Various parts of continental Europe seem friendlier towards children than the UK. I was lucky enough to finally visit continental Europe myself this summer (Mandelieu, near Cannes) and saw first hand the difference in attitude I’ve often heard about from other holiday-goers.

As an example, my son got pretty upset and started screaming at one point in a café. But unlike most cafés I’ve been in in the UK, it was completely different. No nasty glares or stares; in fact, just the opposite. The looks I got were sympathetic, and more than that, a waiter and waitress actually came over to the table together to try and cheer my son up, pulling faces and singing silly songs! And this wasn’t a café marketed as “child friendly”; it didn’t have a beer garden with a playground in it, or a ball pool next to the pool table. Just a normal, run of the mill café.

Having said all that, however, there wasn’t a high chair in sight, and no baby changing facilities either. But the attitude of the staff and the other café-goers made a huge difference. For example, when time came to change him, I had to do it on the floor of the toilet. Yet I was offered a towel to put on the floor by one of the staff. I felt completely welcome; not at all shut out just because I was a mother.

And yet I’ve been in places here in the UK – certain supermarkets spring to mind – with baby changing equipment, high chairs in the café and wide aisles for extra large trollies / prams where I couldn’t have felt less welcome if there had been a big sign up outside saying “no mothers”.

So in answer to what the world would look like if children were truly welcome, I think the answer is, not that much different than it does now. At least not to start. But the attitudes of people would be different. And the people who would benefit from this primarily (after the children themselves, of course)? Mothers. Sometimes fathers, but it’s usually (rightly or wrongly; subject of plenty of future blog posts I’m sure) Mothers. Or other carers… who are usually female. And as attitudes changed, so would facilities. But attitudes have to come first.

Which leads me onto the personal.

I live in Merseyside, just outside of Liverpool, and often visit my local Capital of Culture. I am from Liverpool and apart from a brief stint in London a few years ago, have spent most of my life either in or around the city; I even went to Liverpool University.

When I was at uni, and in fact even prior to that, I used often to visit a radical bookshop called News from Nowhere. It sold books you just couldn’t get anywhere else (I went to uni in the days before the internet was as commonplace as it is now) including a huge section of feminist texts. In fact News from Nowhere was where I fuelled my love of the Virago publishing label, along with The Women’s Press. I remember browsing shelves looking out for the munched apple, or the iron, knowing it was my ticket to something I could immerse myself in.

And I vaguely noticed a children’s section. But until I had a child, I hadn’t realised just how fantastic it was.

This Saturday, I took my little boy along to News from Nowhere for the first time. There is an entire corner of the shop devoted to children’s books, with many for babies and toddlers. There are well-loved books from yours and my childhood, in addition to folk tales from around the world, stories about working Mums, introducing children to concepts of -isms and how to deal with them, telling children about how other children live in the rest of the world, books about animals and endangered species, books about same-sex parents, single parents, adoptive parents and more, books for dealing with life changes from school to puberty to the death of a relative… and much, much more.

There is a small box of toys which could do with a little wash (next time I go in I’m taking some disposable baby wipes with me to wash them) and a lovely comfy chair with a cushion.

I sat down to nurse my son in complete comfort – with no fear that I would be urged to cover up or urged to be “discreet” – I then read him a book, several times – and then settled him down to sleep. I then left him sleeping on the cushion, tucked up in a cuddle with my sling, while I got on with the business of browsing. I felt he was completely safe; the staff did not seem at all concerned that there was a toddler asleep in the corner of their bookshop. They had not been concerned he had been walking all over the books that other people would buy.

And goodness I spent some money. I bought three books, a magazine, a postcard, a poster and some calendular soap. Oh and made a donation for the two cups of (fair trade, not nestlé) coffee I drank. Oh and asked to set up a monthly standing order.

And all because the place was so welcoming. And I thought that of all the radical things about that bookshop, that was one of the most radical. Because so few places here in the UK are like this. And where you don’t welcome children, you push carers (nearly always women) aside too. But – if anyone in big business is reading – where you welcome children, you welcome women too. And their money, and repeat custom, and their friends’ money and repeat custom.

But welcoming children doesn’t start with high chairs and baby change units (though these are good). It starts with a radical shift in attitudes.

Ruth

Edited to add: unfortunately News from Nowhere is no longer as inclusive as it was when I wrote this. See here for further details.

Hello there,

Let me introduce myself. My name is Ruth and I’ll be an occasional blogger for Mothers for Women’s Lib. Anji very kindly invited me over after reading my article on the f word.

I’ll tell you a little bit about me so you can see where I’m coming from:

I’m a WOHM: I work full-time at a charity involved in supporting families. I have a little boy, sixteen months’ old. I am also a volunteer breastfeeding peer supporter.

I’ve called myself a feminist (and incidently, been a Ms.) since I was 14 years of age, when I read What Society does to Girls (and went on to hoover up everything I could published by Virago). I didn’t stop being a feminist (or a Ms.) when I got married and I was damn sure I wouldn’t stop when I had a baby.

However occasionally I have found it hard to reconcile my style of parenting (I am very into attachment-style parenting) with my feminism. I’m undaunted though and I absolutely believe that of course it’s possible to be a Mum – even a proverbial “earth mother” – and a feminist!

I’m particularly interested in issues surrounding birth choice, breastfeeding, gentle parenting and combining paid work with motherhood. Obviously on a personal level I’m interested in how to raise a boy without infecting him with the misogyny that pervades society. I’m also interested in children’s rights and I think there is a real synergy between these and women’s rights.

I’ll try to blog as often as I can, but I am very busy and think I will be more of an occasional blogger than a regular one.

Thanks for reading and I hope to post more soon.

Every Sunday I’ll post some of my favourite feminist parenting links/articles for your perusal.

Here’s this week’s reading list:

• Our Sons – Contrary to what some critics are saying, boys raised by feminists are growing up just fine.
• Maternity Leave – a great article on the debate on women’s “choice” between motherhood and a career.
• Are You Kidding? – Tubal ligation procedures denied to young women who don’t want children.
• Dreaming Of A Pink Christmas – As Christmas approaches, the children’s toy industry goes into overdrive. Rosalyn Ball looks at how girls and boys toys are still unbelievably segregated along strict gender lines.
• Single Moms Can’t Win For Losing – a great article approaching the stigma and bad press attached to single motherhood.
• Why My Son Wears Pink – At two year’s old, Penni F’s son happily enthuses over both fairies and trucks. But, she worries, what happens when pressure to be a ‘real man’ kicks in?
• Sisters! Some of us are mothers, too! – Mothers’ issues are feminist issues, argues Ruth Moss (now a part-time writer for Mothers for Women’s Lib!).
• Lesson one in “Mother Blaming and Shaming” – What happens when the most productive work on the planet isn’t recognised?
• How To Raise A Feminist Son – “My son is beautiful, smart, and extremely capable. Obviously, this terrifies me. I have spent a lot of time asking myself this very, very important question: How do I teach my son to not abuse his privilege?”

Enjoy the articles, and if you come across something you think would be relevant for next week’s Sunday Reading List, shoot me an email at ghostloveATgmailDOTcom or leave a comment to this post.

Anji

Hello there!

Debs has left MFWL and has left it to me, so I’ve moved it over to WordPress because that’s where all my other bloggy stuff is which makes it easier for me to play with.

As it’s only me at the moment, I wanted to give a shout out for feminist mothers who would like to write here, so if you are a feminist mum or you know one who might want to write for the blog, let me know.

So yes, we’re not dead – just sleeping!

Anji