November 16, 2009

Adult Privilege Checklist

Posted by Anji under children's rights
[3] Comments 

I am a firm believer in the personhood of children and that children are an oppressed group. It pains me to see so much child hate within feminism; not from all feminists of course, but there certainly is a lot of mother-blaming and child hate in some pockets of feminism. Many others have spoken eloquently and thoughtfully about this before me, so I’m not going to reiterate what they’ve said. Long story short, I believe that children’s rights are important, and that feminists in being progressive and advocating for marginalised groups of all kinds, should be invested in working for the rights of all oppressed groups – including children.

Reading a post by Elena Perez at California NOW made me think about privilege checklists (like the Male Privilege Checklist and the White Privilege Checklist, for example) and I came to the realisation that, as yet, nobody had written an adult privilege checklist. So with some help from my good friend Jenny, using some of Elena Perez’s ideas from the aforementioned post, I set about writing the Adult Privilege Checklist.

Well now it’s finished. I’m not going to reproduce the whole thing here, because I’d like to keep it in one place. But click here – Adult Privilege Checklist – and take a look! It’s in something of a rough draft format/work-in-progress right now, and all opinions and suggestions are very welcome. I imagine it will grow and evolve over time, so do keep checking back. :D

 

November 15, 2009

Sixth Carnival of Feminist Parenting

Posted by Anji under carnival of feminist parenting
[13] Comments 

Welcome to the sixth edition of the Carnival of Feminist Parenting! This month has been a spectacular one for articles and blog posts related to feminism and parenting, and I’ve really enjoyed putting this edition of the Carnival together. There’s a bit of a change in format from the previous carnivals – every time I’ve put it together it’s evolved a little bit. Eventually, when I find a format I like and that you the readers like, I’ll stick with it. ;)

Anyway, without further ado: November 2009’s Carnival of Feminist Parenting!

Children’s Rights

  • In Feminist Parenting: The Larger Picture, Elena Perez talks about the intersections between feminism and children’s rights, explaining why children’s rights should matter to feminists.
  • Ruth Moss has written an open letter to Kate Harding, a response to Harding’s child- and mother-blaming article about children screaming on aeroplanes.
  • Arwyn wrote a fabulous explanation of the personhood of children, explaining how when we say ‘people’ we often mean ‘adults’, and what it means to respect children as people.
  • Ruth Moss (again, she’s that good!) wrote a response to Arwyn’s post, adding a couple of paragraphs about encouraging age-appropriate behaviour.
  • Noble Savage has a great post titled On child hate and feminism, talking about her impressions of motherhood/children before she had children and why feminists should be in favour of children’s rights.

Mother-Blaming

  • Deanna Dahlsad writes an excellent article about why we vilify single mothers, discussing the history of negativity towards them and how that is relevant today.

Race

  • Renee Martin has a post titled Who Will Love The Black Child? talking about how Black children are taught to devalue their colour, and how parents might counter this.

Teaching and Learning

  • Kathleen Deveny writes In Praise Of Bossy Girls, explaining how girls who are assertive are often accused of bossiness, whereas the same accusation is not placed on their male peers.
  • Apu writes about raising liberal daughters, pondering the “gap between what parents expect and what young women would like to be and do”.

Breastfeeding

Gender Equality

  • Kate Townshend talks about Gender in the playground, the ways in which children learn the gender divide and particularly how girls learn that their appearance is the most important thing.
  • Renee Martin writes Don’t Let A Girl Beat You, talking about how boys are encouraged into sport while girls are discouraged from competing, and the messages this sends to both.
  • In To tutu or not to tutu? Misty writes an intelligent, thoughtful response to a woman who is concerned by her son’s propensity towards traditionally ‘female’ clothing and toys.

Media

  • In her post titled Fuck you Disney princesses, Jenn talks about the effects the Disney princesses had on her as a developing girl.

Pregnancy & Childbirth

  • In Birth & Babies, Jennifer Fink uses the world’s first live birth as a springboard to talk about lack of belief in ourselves and adequate support during labour.

Reproductive Freedom

Parenthood

  • In the Hot Moms Club post Motherhood and Feminism, the writer talks about how parenthood has changed her feminism, and the realisation that she can be – and is – both a stay-at-home mother and a feminist.
  • Laurie writes that she is a Wanna-be Selfish Mom, talking about the ‘Mummy Guilt’ she feels when she does things for herself, and promising herself a little selfishness.
  • Judith Warner writes about The Choice Myth, positing that for many women, the choice between being a ‘working mum’ and a ’stay at home mum’ is not really a choice at all.

That concludes this edition of the Carnival of Feminist Parenting. The next edition will be here at Mothers For Women’s Lib as usual, on Sunday 13th December. Get your submissions for next month’s Carnival in by Sunday 6th December using our carnival submission form. You can also submit articles by sending your link as a reply or DM on Twitter to @m4wl.

If you’d like to read the previous editions of the Carnival of Feminist Parenting, they can be found here – 1st | 2nd | 3rd | 4th | 5th – enjoy!

 

November 8, 2009

The question that hurts

Posted by msruthmoss under birth, boundaries, general public, pregnancy | Tags: , , , , , , , , |
[14] Comments 

My child is two and a half now, and although I’ve been getting this question since he was about one, it’s gotten more frequent, the older he gets:

“Any plans for number two yet?” or worse still “When’s number two then?”

Firstly, let me explain why I think this is a feminist issue, rather than just a “you’re being bloody rude” issue.

—

I think part of it has to do with women’s bodies being considered “public property” and another part is to do with child care and child rearing seen as purely a woman’s role, and whether or not to have children is seen as something the woman in a het relationship decides.

The first part, the “public property” thing, is particularly noticeable in pregnancy with the bump groping. I am one of the few women I know who didn’t mind people touching my bump (although only if they asked first, and sometimes they didn’t) when I was pregnant; but I was also in a relationship without much physical affection at the time, so I was “taking it where I could get it”. But on the whole, most of my Mum friends have told me how they didn’t enjoy it, and that they only said “yes” (if they were asked) because of a feeling of obligation.

I think the part of “when’s number two?” that stems from that is the feeling that it isn’t your body any more; if you’ve had a baby, there’s almost a part of you that’s seen as an incubation chamber, and it’s everyone else’s business what that body’s going to do next.

Don’t get me wrong, I am personally incredibly proud of being a mother and I think I do a damn good job of it. For me, personally, it is my main job and the biggest part of me. But that involves a hell of a lot more than “getting pregnant and giving birth”. That’s just the very first stage. Even if we’re just talking about what my body does when it comes to being a mother; it nurses my child, it picks him up, it carries him around, it plays with him, it gets down on the floor and lets him ride on its back… and more. For me personally (but not for every mother) I’ve given over a lot of my body to childcare, the majority, even. But that’s a lot more than pregnancy, and I resent being thought of as a vessel to carry babies. Because, even though that’s part of it, it’s a very small part. And it’s not public property; it’s my property, and who I use it for, and how, is none of your business.

And if that’s me, whose identity is primarily tied up with being a mother, how much more would someone who’d given birth to a child, but whose identity was more tied up in things outside of “mothering” feel?

The other thing, the “women=destined to have children” starts before the second child, of course. I remember when I got married to my (now ex) husband; people asked me when I was going to have children. Notice they asked me, not him.

It continues through employers asking “are you planning to have children” in job interviews, even though they’re not allowed to. I also think this attitude is partly responsible for some of the child-hate within the feminist and child-free movements (and oh yes, it does exist). A bit like, “if I go on about how much I hate children, my employer will never mistake me for being one of those people who ‘goes off and has a kid and doesn’t come back after mat leave’ and therefore I will get promoted”, and so on. Or just wanting to disassociate with the whole “woman=carer of children” meme by trying to prove how much that isn’t them because they hate children.

But when people ask about number two, they already have something to go on. Obviously, you don’t hate children, because after all, you had one. And because you like children, you must want more than one, surely? And if you do, why aren’t you doing your womanly duty and “getting yourself pregnant” again?

So yeah, feminist issue. (And, yes, it is also a “bloody rude” issue, too!)

—

And there are so many reasons why it’s wrong to ask. And why, sometimes, it really, really hurts.

See, for me, personally, it stings to be asked that, especially at the moment. Because I would love to have more children. I always wanted to have three or four children, actually. But when I had my first, and currently only child, it was hard. Things between me and my then-husband turned sour as soon as my bump appeared and didn’t get any better. But even then, right up until I left him, I still planned to have a second child with him.

Some of you might think that was foolish, that plan; but if anything, it was less foolish than having my first child with him. I knew what he was like, and I knew I’d get little to no support from him, and a lot of grief.  I planned to do things differently; I would create my own support network from friends and on the internet. I wouldn’t have the heartbreak of turning to him in my time of need and being pushed away, because I’d know not to turn to him in the first place.

And if we’d stayed together, it would have been now that we would have been trying. If we’d stayed together, I might be typing a very different post now, one about early pregnancy.

But we didn’t. And much as I don’t miss our relationship, and I am better off emotionally without him, I still grieve that second child that I won’t have, certainly not for a long time, if at all. I try not to think about it too much, but asking that question forces me to think about it, and it hurts.

I’m in a long distance relationship with a woman now; she can’t move over here for at least two years, and even when she does, we’ll not be able to think about having a baby for a while, for reasons of money, studying, career and so on. And when we finally can, it’s a more complicated thing for two woman to have a baby together. Plus I’ll be older, and less fertile (and that’s assuming I’m even fertile now; I could well have secondary infertility and not be aware of it); who knows if I’ll even have another? I want to, and my fiancée wants it too, but wanting isn’t always enough.

And it’s worth it; my fiancée is an amazing woman and I don’t regret leaving my husband for her for a minute. I wouldn’t swap her for a brood of children. But that doesn’t mean I don’t grieve the situation regarding a second child.

So also, by asking that question, you’re asking me to come out to you as queer/bi; you also ask me to justify my decision to leave my husband, even to explain some of the emotionally upsetting things that happened in our relationship.

And that’s just me. There are many, many other reasons why someone who gave birth once, might not either want, or be able to have, another child. It’s incredibly personal, and can be incredibly hurtful.

—

And it’s none of your business. It’s my body, it’s my life, and it’s my choice, limited by circumstances though that choice is.

And if you really must ask that question? At least, take “it’s complicated,” or “I’d rather not discuss it” for an answer!

 

October 28, 2009

Learning to be “papa” too

Posted by msruthmoss under gender stereotypes | Tags: , , , , , , |
[12] Comments 

At a La Leche League conference, someone – I think it might even have been the famous Diane Wiessinger herself – was talking about the words mama and papa. She said papa, or dada, with its hard consonants, may have been latin baby speak for “play” or “fun”: pa! pa! pa! da!, like a kind of clapping and excitement. Whereas mama, with its softer sound, she thought was similar baby speak for milk, comfort, nurture, a mixture of a plea and a cry: maaaa! mamamama!, and so on.

Now, I love that La Leche League helps mothers to breastfeed and supports gentle parenting practices. I’m not quite so thrilled that they also seem to reinforce gender role stereotypes and heteronormativity. (Although, in fairness, they do at least put a lot of emphasis on the father supporting the mother and playing his part, which is better than nothing at all. Grateful for small mercies and so on.)

And in that vein, I raised an eyebrow at the mama/papa thing (and my internal bullshitometer lit up too), but I could also see what she meant; it is a common stereotype that the mother is there for nurture and milk and cuddles and comfort; Dad, if there is a present father, is there to throw the baby up into the air, tickle the baby, kick the football around outside with the toddler and so on.

But the thing is, when I lived with my child’s father, I did find our roles going down this route, and to be honest, it did suit my personality. I found that I was much better at the cuddling, the endless rocking and soothing, the humming Scarborough Fair two hundred times before sleep, the nursing, and so on. I enjoyed that. My ex husband was much better at the games and the fun, from peekaboo to silly dancing.

(Please understand: I’m not saying, by the way, “I found myself better at the traditionally female stuff therefore it is true that all women everywhere are better at this and the feminists are wrong!” I’m just talking about where my skills, personally, lay.)

I was happy for this arrangement to continue and for me to take the “mama” role, the nurturing and comforting. I wasn’t, obviously, so happy that “the nurturing role” had to include all the nappy changes, all the getting up in the middle of the night and yet also, somehow include “going out to paid work full time so we can have Lots of Nice Things”. The Second Shift, and the third, and fourth, and the night shift, and the morning shift – taking all these shifts I wasn’t so happy with. But the mama=nurture; papa=play was fine in my house and suited our abilities down to the ground.

And then we split up.

My ex husband still sees our child and has him for regular overnight stays. Despite some misgivings, and missing the little one terribly when he’s not with me, I still believe this is – at least for now – the best option available.

But it has meant I’ve had to learn new skills. I’ve had to learn to be “papa”. And that’s been hard. Acting silly, getting down on the floor and being a climbing frame, running around and shouting with my hands in the air, pretending to be a character from a television show, pulling silly faces, kicking a football around the garden – well, it’s not come easily to me. Maybe it’s because we’re led to believe that playing and silliness is “unladylike” somehow. Maybe it’s just because it doesn’t suit my personality. Maybe it’s a bit of both.

But I’ve had to do it. And the thing is, I think it’s been good for me. I’ve got back in touch with that silly side that disappeared as I grew older and only ever reappeared when I’d had a fair number of real ales! I’ve got down on my hands and knees and crawled around the house pretending to be a French cow called Madame. I’ve run around the supermarket pushing the trolly far too quickly and causing a commotion. I’ve asked random people driving heavy machinery what it is called, and what it does, and I’ve learned that not every lorry that has a barrel on it is an oil tanker by any stretch. And much more.

And I’ve even passed on that nurturing skill via play. My child now puts his teddy bears to bed and carries a doll in a sling.

As my child has grown older, the amount of nurturing time he needs has lessened, and the amount of playtime he’s needed has grown. If me and my ex husband were still together, and we’d kept to our roles, I can imagine I would have found myself spending less time with my child as he grew, and spending time instead tidying and cleaning the house while my child and his father played games outside.

And maybe this is the way that La Leche League thinks it should be, with fathers taking a greater and greater part in their children’s lives as they grow older, and mothers taking a back seat similarly. And I’m sure that works just fine for some families, and might even have worked for ours in different circumstances.

But now, I’m glad the split forced me to learn to be “papa”, too. I look back and I realise I could have lost out on an awful lot if that had carried on. And I still get to nurture and cuddle and sing to and nurse my child, although less often these days.

And, even if only a little bit these days, my ex husband has had to get in touch with his inner “mama”.

 

October 13, 2009

Stop “stop acting like a child!”

Posted by msruthmoss under Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , |
[3] Comments 

NB: this post is for people who are on board with wanting to erase insulting language from their own personal lexicons. If you’re going to argue the toss about “politically correct language ZOMG you won’t be able to say anything soon” – this isn’t the place. This might be a good place to start.

I think some people are just starting to get their head around the fact the language they use sometimes has meanings they didn’t intend.

For example, saying someone is “crazy” to mean that you’re unhappy with the way they’re acting, you think they’re making no sense or they’re being unpleasant is ableist. You’re saying the person is acting like they’re mentally ill, and that to be mentally ill is synonymous with unpleasant and nasty. Which is insulting to people who are mentally ill, usually a specific type of mental illness. (And “crazy” can be a pejorative term all by itself; one thing for mentally ill people to reclaim the term “crazy” – another for people who aren’t mentally ill to use it.)

There’s something I’ve noticed recently, mainly in internet arguments but also “in real life”.

You’re acting like a child!

My two year old makes more sense than you.

You’re behaving like a spoilt brat.

Stop being so childish!

And so on. Thing is – sorry – but this isn’t okay. What they’re trying to say of course is “you’re acting ridiculously/ badly behaved / irrationally / etc.” but by invoking the child, they’re implying children are bad, ridiculous, badly behaved, irrational etc. Spoilt brat and other phrases like that are particularly bad as they’re not only using “child” to mean “bad” but the phrase itself is out and out child hate. (General rule? If it sounds like something an abuser might say to a child? It’s child hate.)

Comparing oppressions is often a bad idea, but if you’re a member of the oppressed group you’re using as a comparison, I think that’s a different kettle of fish. So here goes:

You’re acting like a woman!

My wife makes more sense than you.

You’re behaving like a nasty bitch.

Stop being such a girl!

Do you get what I’m saying now? So can we knock it off? Thanks.

 

October 11, 2009

Fifth Carnival Of Feminist Parenting

Posted by Anji under carnival of feminist parenting
[16] Comments 

Welcome to the October 11, 2009 edition of the Carnival of Feminist Parenting. There have been quite a few submissions this month, for which I am very grateful! But don’t rest on your laurels, people – get submitting for next month’s Carnival! :D

Without further ado, the Carnival!

—–

Ruth Moss presents WFPP Guest Post: My Kid Loves a Kyriarch posted by Arwyn at Raising My Boychick.

“And gradually, once the dust had settled, my child learned more things. He learned that mothers live small rented houses in poor areas, but fathers live in their own, larger houses in nicer areas. He learned that mothers have tiny televisions and fathers have huge widescreen High Definition affairs with surround sound and cinemascope. He learned that going to the supermarket with his mother takes forever by foot and involves heavy bags being lugged back home, but that doing it with his father is a quick two minute job in the car…

But, he also learns that his father changes nappies now. That his mother does DIY. That fathers can and in often do see their children even when they’ve split from the mother. That mothers don’t always put barriers to access even if the paths of men they don’t like and have reason not to like. That his father also cooks and cleans. That his mother also sometimes sits down and rests in front of the television with a beer.”

Another submission from Ruth Moss, Stranger Slaps Crying Child In Walmart posted by Renee at Womanist Musings.

“Part of the shock of this story, is that the assault was perpetrated by a stranger.  How different would the reaction to this incident have been, had it been the mother that decided to slap the girl?  Many would have seen it as a disciplinary action, rather than a case of chid abuse.   Unlike adults, children are deemed not to exist with the right to live lives free of violence.  Unless it is extreme, we don’t consider it abusive and therefore, we refuse to accept that any violence regardless of the reason is wrong.

If one adult were to slap another, we would have no problem understanding that this situation was not only inherently violent but wrong, however; when it comes to children because of their lack of social power, the situation is often read quite differently.  Children have few voices to advocate on their behalf and even those who regularly comment on family values, fail to actually put the best interest of the child first.”

aagblog presents Circ posted at aagblog.

“Parents of course have the right (within legal limits) to raise their children as they see fit. But for the life of me I can find no logical reason why circumcision should be recommended for day-old babies who are many years away from engaging in the types of behaviors which would put them at risk for HIV and other infections.

“But it also lowers the risk of penile cancer!” people like to mention when the topic of circumcision comes up, but the fact is that this type of cancer is extraordinarily rare in the US. Only 0.2% of cancers in men and 0.1% of cancer deaths in men in the United States are from penile cancer. Contrast this with the fact that 16% of US men will face prostate cancer in their lifetimes — and yet we do not remove the prostate at birth. Or the fact that 12% of US women will develop breast cancer in their lifetimes — and yet we do not remove breast tissue at birth.”

JMegan presents Blogging for Choice posted at Me, again.

“I know exactly how lucky I am to be in the position that I am in, and to be able to say with confidence that I never considered terminating this pregnancy. But not everyone is as well off as I am – and even I have not always been where I am today. If I had gotten pregnant, say, ten years ago, my circumstances would have been entirely different. I was still in school, still living paycheque to paycheque, and although I can’t remember who my boyfriend was at the time, I can guarantee that neither of us was at all ready for parenthood. If had gotten pregnant then, would I have had an abortion? I don’t know what I would have done, but I do know that I would at least have considered it.

And I would have considered myself lucky, even then, to have had the option of not continuing the pregnancy, and of avoiding the huge financial and emotional costs of bearing a child that I was not equipped to raise at that point in my life.”

Another submission from JMegan – The Motherhood Post I’ve Been Promising posted by A Sarah at Shapely Prose.

“There’s also an assumption that “responsible” eating/parenting requires retention of vast stores of information about every little situation, every bite, every nutrient, every variable that puts your body or your child closer to what’s best. What, you DIDN’T know that mustard has X points / that blueberries are a super food / that that toy was recalled last month / that Montessori education has the following positive outcomes / that the latest IOM or BMJ study says such-and-such / that it’s bad to be too hovering / that it’s bad to be too inattentive / that carbs are good now? / that carbs are still bad? What are you, selfish? Or just stupid and benighted, one of those sheeple who just parents/eats unthinkingly with no connoisseurship, health-consciousness, or taste?

Moreover, all those little details have to coalesce into a Special Way of Doing Things. An eating program, a “healthy lifestyle,” a parenting philosophy. Nothing can work in practice if it doesn’t work in theory, because it’s the theory that distinguishes you from those poor slobs who just do whatever they want. You certainly can’t just eat on the fly, enjoying what tastes good and what makes you feel good. You have to have a special way you eat that you tell people about with a convert’s zeal. And you certainly can’t just parent on the fly. You have to have even the smallest decision be part of a consistent parenting ethic more substantial than “It was what happened to work right then, for me. For you it might be different.“

And one more from JMegan - Feminism in Schools: Teaching Feminism When You’re Not a Feminist posted by Ashley at Small Strokes.

“If someone decides not to teach feminism, this does not make him/her a bad teacher or a bad person.  Perhaps they feel they don’t know enough about feminism to do it justice and, therefore, leave it alone.  Perhaps they, unlike us, don’t think about feminism every day and, therefore, just haven’t thought about teaching it before.  Perhaps they didn’t have time to teach feminism because they were busy teaching about another historically marginalized group.  I highly doubt, in this day and age, with such progressive teachers in the classroom, that many teachers don’t teach feminism because they are anti-feminist.

Although I absolutely agree that the concept and historical aspect of feminism is important for our youth to understand, I don’t know that it is necessary to explicitly teach feminism in order for the same effect to happen.  As L alluded to in her guest post, simply rearranging the classroom or, as Laura herself mentioned in her guest post, allowing girls to have as much as a say as boys can help girls feel empowered, which is as much a part of feminism as anything else.  As Sophia suggested in her guest post, teaching the literature and history of women is also integral.  And you don’t have to be a feminist or even talk about feminism to do any of these things.”

J D presents Running in Place posted at Vicarious Rising.

“As a semi-screwed up human being who never expected to be a good parent,  I’ve always been aware that my son would one day leave me. This is not meant to be a bad thing – holding on to him too closely would only harm him. My primary role is to allow him to be himself, grow self-assured and competent in a safe, loving environment. Hopefully from out of those, he will learn to make himself happy.

He’s starting high school next week, and it feels like overnight he stopped being mama’s kid. He was never a mamby-pamby shmuck, but he did still seem to like talking to his mom to a degree. Now it’s all embarrassment and don’t-be-so- affectionate. I respect his need to get away from hovering mommy, but it is so haaaarrrrrd for me. I didn’t expect that. I didn’t expect how much it would take for me to mind my own business and give him room. I didn’t expect to be torn in two by my equal desire to be a good parent and my need to protect him from everything. I didn’t expect to need to protect myself from being separated from the odd little space alien I gave birth to, the critter who helped me reconceive myself as not being the horrible person I’d thought I was.”

Chally presents How Can Feminist Mums Avoid Being Humourless Childhood-Ruiners? posted by Lauredhel at Hoyden About Town.

“Feminist households are the households in which children are being brought up to believe that anything is possible. That their lives are an open book. That they are in charge of their own destiny. That they deserve to live free of violence and oppression, as well as having an obligation to treat others with respect. Non-feminist households are the households where children are being raised to believe that their gender roles are rigidly prescribed, that their life must conform to strict, narrow guidelines, and that if they stray an inch outside of those guidelines – in sexuality, in body type, in gender identity or presentation, in reproductive choices, in career path – that they should live in shame and fear and guilt. Non-feminist households are the households where the parents ridicule their children for expressing themselves, where they send the daughter to another room to breastfeed, where they deride the son who wants to be a nurse, where they explode in anger when a son turns out to be gay, where they excommunicate when the daughter becomes a son. Those are the angry and humourless households. Not mine.”

Another from Chally - Come play gender stereotypes posted by blue milk.

“Parents will tell you they know for sure which characteristics are caused by gender because they have both a daughter and a son of their own. Never mind the sample size, they have been able to see it for themselves and you should ditch that feminist foolery. This is how you can get the seemingly contradictory outcome where parents tell you boys are the noisy ones, and they know this because they have two children and their son is the noisier of the two. And yet other parents will tell you that girls are the noisy ones, and they know this because they have two daughters who are real ‘chatterboxes’ (ie. gender appropriate form of noisiness).”

And a final one from Chally - Is that child crazy? posted by Kate at Rebel Raising.

“If you lived in a world where you were constantly confronted by new things, which you were expected to assimilate and understand quickly and without showing concern? If you pretty much never got to choose your own activities? If you were regularly touched, lifted and restrained without your permission? If you lived at the mercy of, however loving, people who were in total charge of your comings and goings, your access to food and drink, your access to activities you enjoy?

I’m not trying to say that we all traumatise our children horribly for no reason. This is not mother-blaming central. But too often we don’t see children as people; we don’t think, hey, if I were taken from something I was absorbed in, strapped into a pushchair and hurried down the road without anyone checking I understood what was going on, would I scream and struggle? Probably.”

Janet Fraser presents If it involves women, it’s a feminist issue. Right? posted at Looking Glass Alice.

“Just because my body has the potential to grow people and then feed them for years at a time doesn’t mean I think every woman must do this, that it is morally superior, that it makes me a better person, or that life is lacking for those who choose not to use that potential. It’s just the reality of my life and the lives of most women in the world for I figure that most women do bear children. Men’s bodies don’t do what mine has the potential to do, fact.

Some of us do it under truly vile conditions, in places where we’re enslaved, in households where our lives are not our own because of abuse. A very small number of us do it joyfully, with full embrace and try also to improve the world while we do it.

Regardless of this, it is because it is done by women that it must be a feminist issue.”

Aphie presents Toddlers are triggering posted by Arwyn at Raising My Boychick.

“I’m not calling toddlers abusers, of course. I emphatically do not subscribe to the school of thought that we enter the world as little monsters/devils/dictators/savages who need to be “civilized” (or worse, “whipped into shape”) by adults. Rather, we enter this world primed to attach to and learn from the older humans around us, and all of childhood is naught but practice at adulthood. That’s why playing “house” and pretend “work” are universal, why toddlers start mimicking us as soon as possible, why they always want to “help” (no matter how much their “help” is actually a hindrance).

No, the problem is not with toddlers, who are doing exactly what they’re supposed to do, but with the triggers we as parents have brought to this gig: the problem is that we were abused in the first place, that our bodies were not considered ours, that our nos were ignored, that others felt free to violate us, that those who should have protected us instead turned aside and pretended not to see. And for that, of course, I blame the kyriarchy.”

Ouyang Dan presents Gift Giving posted at random babble.

“The love a parent gives a child should not be like that pineapple candle holder.  There should not be conditions or strings attached.  The love I give The Kid has no strings.  There is not an act she could perform that would cause me to stop loving her, or to do something that might cause her to believe that I do.  Sure, there could be things that she could do that would make me angry or that could even hurt me.  She might even (hopefully not) someday do something illegal or unthinkable, and you can believe that I would cry and bargain with unseen deities and be the first one to call the cops…but I would still love her.  When she is away I call her.  When I am sick I still make time for her.  I make time daily for her alone, whether it is one on one cooking time, time for her to read to me, a walk and talk, a window shopping trip there is always time set aside just for her.  I try to make sure that there are little things to reassure her that she is loved.”

And finally, Anji (that would be me!) presents Now, I’m A Feminist, But… Not Really posted at Pieces of String.

“Ha.  Ha.  Ha.  Breastfeeding is icky!  Boobs are ugly if not being used as sexual objects!  Fuck that, and fuck you if you hold similar sentiments.  Breast feeding is natural and necessary, and actually not comparable at all to having bowel movements in public, can people let that dumbass non-metaphor go already?  It’s stupid and could not be less accurate.  No one forces you to ogle an already uncomfortable mother, avert your prissy eyes. The author of this comment posts what she calls a “rant” under the comic.

God, how immature is this person? I’m a feminist, but I’m going to refer to breasts that are used in their biological function as veiny flesh bags. And then I, as someone who clearly does not have children, am going to suggest that you simply take your baby into a germ infested bathroom to feed her. Nice.”

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That concludes this edition of the Carnival of Feminist Parenting. Submit your blog article to the next edition using our carnival submission form. Past posts and future hosts can be found on our blog carnival index page. Everyone did so well making this month’s Carnival a success – let’s do the same for next month shall we? :D

 

October 10, 2009

We are all alloparents part three: what can you do?

Posted by msruthmoss under breastfeeding, general public | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , |
[4] Comments 

In part one of We are All Alloparents, I looked at why alloparenting was necessary, and in part two, why a world without alloparenting is bad for everyone.

I now want to look at what people who want to help, who want to stick it to the kyriarchy by modelling “how not to abuse privilege” to the next generation, can actually do, on a real, day-to-day level.

But I can’t speak for all parents, obviously. And I certainly can’t speak for children. You know; privileged person speaking on behalf of oppressed group, that doesn’t go down so well. I suppose it is slightly different than other privilege/oppression dichotomy in that I was once a child myself. But it was a long time ago, and as someone who has had many long years of adult privilege, I can’t completely trust myself to put myself back into that way of thinking.

So I’m going to keep this short. A few things I’d like to see, and then turn it over to you. As a parent, how could your life be improved by other alloparents? What would you like?

Here’s my two pence worth:

Understand basic child behaviour. “Tantrums” (or the less demonising “episodes” or “meltdowns”, as I’ve heard them called) are normal. They’re not naughty behaviour, and they don’t need to be dealt with or the child taught a lesson. They’re often a response to over stimulation, or not yet having the emotional ability to cope with disappointment. If you see a child having a tantrum, don’t tut or glare. If anything, it’s this that causes the frazzled parent to feel obliged to discipline, harshy, their child. A sympathetic smile goes a very long way. An offer of help – “do you need a hand?” – even longer. It can be hard to intervene if the parent’s already at the point of shouting.  But even there, walking on by and not staring is better than looking and making the parent feel even more uncomfortable. Meltdowns are normal. High pitched laughing and screaming is normal. Not wanting to be touched or patted on the head is normal. And for heaven’s sake, don’t take it as an insult if a child hides behind Mum when you approach. Saying “aw, is she/he shy?” is just irritating. How’s a mother meant to say “no, s/he’s not shy. Just natural healthy weariness at a stranger approaching”.

Offer to help with non-baby stuff. A new mother often has no shortage of friends and relatives who want to “help” with the baby (carry it, coo over it, cuddle it) but this leaves her, often worn out and exhausted from the birth, doing the drudge work; cooking, cleaning, tidying, washing – while others can claim they were helping. Tidying up, at the very least after yourself after a visit, is a start. Wash the dishes you’ve used. While you’re at the sink, why not wash a few more? Don’t expect to be waited on. You know where the kettle is. Why not bring your own food? A lot of this applies even after the child is out of babyhood. Offering to help with the child is good, don’t get me wrong; but offering to help with housework might be even better. And if you’re offering to take the baby for a bit so a mother can get some more sleep… why not do a quick whizz round the house picking up toys off the floor while you’re doing it? Besides, the government in the UK seems determined to stop informal babysitting arrangements (thanks, UK government, for legislating against alloparenting) so this might be the only way you can go anyway!

There are certain types of “help” that are never good alloparenting. I once had a man think I needed “help” to pull my dress down at the back after putting Bertie up in the sling had made my dress ride up at the back (which I knew, and which I was about to rectify). His help consisted of pulling down my dress without my permission, and in the process, ripping it. Also, I don’t need directing to a “private room” to breastfeed in. No, I’d not feel more comfortable there. Especially not if it’s the disabled toilet, as it often turns out to be. If I’ve chosen to sit down and nurse my child there… I’ve done it because that’s where I want to do it.

Over to you. How could good alloparents make your life easier?

 

September 15, 2009

Twitter, Carnival, Facebook Fan Page and New Domain

Posted by Anji under Site News, carnival of feminist parenting, twitter
[2] Comments 

Firstly and most excitingly – Mothers For Women’s Lib now has its very own Twitter account! You can find us on Twitter here.

This was Ruth’s idea, to keep people updated on news to do with the blog and/or forum, and to give people an alternative way of submitting posts for the Carnival of Feminist Parenting. So if you forget to go to the carnival submission page to submit posts and articles for the Carnival, now there’s an even easier way to submit. Just send an @ message (to @m4wl) containing the link to the post (remember it can be yours or someone else’s) that you’d like to see included in the Carnival, and we’ll do the rest.

Also, Mothers For Women’s Lib now has a Facebook fan page which can be found here. Do visit and become a fan, and tell your friends.

Last but not least, we now have a proper domain! You can now find us at www.mothersforwomenslib.com – no need to update feed readers or the like, because the old WordPress domain will still work. Just thought the new domain would be easier to remember, and because I have Plans. ;)

Thanks to everyone who’s submitted posts for the Carnival over the last couple of days, and keep them coming. :D

 

September 14, 2009

Fourth Carnival of Feminist Parenting

Posted by Anji under carnival of feminist parenting
[16] Comments 

Welcome to the September 13 14, 2009 edition of the Carnival of Feminist Parenting. Sorry it’s late, I was finding it hard to type yesterday due to having decapitated my finger with a potato peeler (don’t ask).

There have been precisely two submissions this month which haven’t come from me – three if you count two people suggesting the same piece. The second piece which was suggested seems to have disappeared along with the blog it was posted on, unfortunately. I know I’ve gone on about this before, but it really is getting me down. If there aren’t a decent number of submissions this month, I am considering stopping the Carnival; there doesn’t seem much point in having a Carnival without submissions, and I feel a little like I’m shouting into a void. :(

That said, there are a lot of posts to look at in this month’s carnival because I’ve been bookmarking all of my own favourites. So here they are, enjoy the carnival – and please, please, if you write or read a post which you like and think would be relevant, submit it!

Annika and Amity both suggested The Incredible Vanishing Woman posted at Noble Savage.

“There is no such thing as Superwoman, or Supermum. We need to lose the martyr image and stop taking it all on for the sake of appearances or because our partners won’t lift a finger or because we think it’s “just what women do.” We should not be complicit in our oppression, in our degradation. The unhappiness,  the depression, the feelings of inadequacy and anger…these are all too common threads in the fabric of mothering. We are people with dreams and desires and needs. We are worthy of respect and authority and autonomy.”

And here are the posts I’ve found around the blogosphere over the past month.

So, What Is Feminist Mothering? posted at Feministe.

“So, “motherhood” is that patriarchal institution, essentially, and “mothering,” especially feminist mothering, is a more active, positive place from which to move.  I like this separation because it allows us to critique societal expectations of mothers without getting to a point where the only way out is to jettison being a mother altogether.  It suggests that, dammit, yes, mothering can be a feminist practice, it can be a creative practice, it can be a liberating practice – an expanding practice, as La Lubu suggests.”

It’s Not About Me also from Feministe.

“If you are an adult in my daughter’s life, know this: it’s not about me. It’s about her. If she comes to you about birth control, help her. Take her to Planned Parenthood. Give her condoms. If it means you have to take her to another state to help her get an abortion, because it’s what she needs and we live in a state with parental notification laws, then take her. Go with her, and hold her hand, and hug her afterwards, and make sure she has someone to talk to. Sure, you can tell her that she can talk to me – you can offer to help her do it. But if she doesn’t want to, if she’s scared or ashamed or just too overwhelmed, that’s OK. It’s more important that she gets what she needs than that I know about it.”

The misogyny of denying milk-making moms mental-health medication at Raising My Boychick.

“This is when, in a sane society, her physician or nurse would nod, draw on hir vast knowledge of and experience with medications appropriate for breastfeeding, and say “No problem, that only rules out a very few classes of drugs, there are lots of things we can try still.” Or, barring that, would reach for the copy of Hale’s zie keeps handy in hir office, or would call one of the many breastfeeding-knowledgeable pharmacists zie keeps on file as references. The woman and the health care provider she employs would then work together to pick a medication most appropriate for her particular situation.

That is not what usually happens. Too often (ever would be too often), the physician, upon hearing said disclosure, automatically replies “I don’t want to give you anything until you wean/terminate breastfeeding/stop doing that.”

There is so much wrong with this situation, I hardly know where to start.”

What timing! ACOG releases asshat statement also at Raising My Boychick.

“To my American hospital-birthing friends: you know this matters to you, whether you wanted food in labor or not, whether you were at an enlightened hospital or not; know also that it matters to me. To my American homebirthing- and birth-center-using-friends: it’s not enough to just escape the system. We aren’t all that lucky (approximately 12% of intended homebirths transfer in labor), and we don’t all want to. The system has to get better for when we need it, for when our sisters need it, for when our sisters want it. To my non-American or non-birthing friends: Birth rights are reproductive rights are human rights. What happens to one of us happens to all. As voz_latina says: “There can be no equality until all women have control over all aspects of our bodies. Birth, transition status, personhood.””

Just like athletics: exploring a childbirth analogy the last one in this edition from Raising My Boychick.

“One of the arguments used against “natural childbirth” is “we don’t allow people to be in pain in any other circumstance: why would we allow women to hurt in birth?” But it simply isn’t true, and the disproof brings me to one of my favorite childbirth analogies: athletics. The metaphor of birth as marathon has certainly been done before, but if you will indulge me, I wish to explore some of the specifically misogynistic implications of this particular assertion using this particular analogy once again.”

‘Inescapable Truths’: Working Mothers posted at Spinning Plates.

“The only objection I can see to women not staying at home with babies is when it comes to breastfeeding as something only women are biologically equipped to do. But even that objection has no substance once you examine it more closely. I agree that breastfeeding is undeniably easier if you don’t have to go straight back to work and deal with the headache of pumping. We are very lucky we have decent maternity leave provisions in the UK which mean many are able to stay at home long enough for their baby to have started some solids which helps. So yes, it is difficult but not impossible. It is a testament to the love and dedication breastfeeding working mothers feel for their children that they are willing to express, dash back to their child at lunchtime for a feed or reverse cycle and feed all night. If workplaces and employers were more flexible and we were able to bring our young babies to work, or we could cross-nurse this would not be an issue. But paid work outside the home and breastfeeding are not mutually exclusive.”

The meaning of beauty: learning to love my body again from Spinning Plates.

“Mirrors. Useful tools in which to check you’ve got your buttons done up before you leave the house, or something to approach with caution and never, ever naked? Where do you sit on the spectrum and if you’ve had a child(ren) has this changed? Once stretchmarks, breast changes, lost muscle tone, altered vagina or cesarean scars are taken into account it is a rare body which is left entirely unchanged by the experience of pregnancy and childbirth. How do we cope with these changes? Ought we to see motherhood as an affliction that has destroyed our bodies, opting to ‘fix’ the ‘damage’ with a ‘mummy tuck’ or gruelling diet and exercise regime?

Or could we view motherhood as an opportunity to reclaim our bodies and selves from the pernicious messages delivered by the media and fashion industries which tell us how to look, what to wear and above all to measure our worth in terms of an unattainable, airbrushed standard of perfection?”

Mental illness and maternity posted at Deccan Herald ‘She’.

“In India, a disabled girl-child is usually at the receiving end of a lot of contempt and neglect. Women with disabilities have been consistently denied their rights. In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court recently allowed a 19-year-old mentally challenged orphan girl to carry on with a pregnancy resulting from a sexual assault. The Punjab and Haryana High Court ruling had earlier ordered medical termination of pregnancy (MTP).”

Transformative Blogging: A Free Write on Pregnancy, Feminism, and the Internet posted at A Womyn’s Ecdysis.

“It has been through pregnancy that I see “Feminism” with new eyes and I see much more red than I ever saw before. Red bias, red intentions, red discrimination, red narrowness…I see red. Reproductive health rights are arrows pointing to the majority of heterosexual, young white women. Sexuality and spirituality are rarely explored as an interlaced relationship. The conferences change names, but still move in their same agenda. “Liberal” and “progressive” are thrown around without much depth and review. Blog wars still flare from time to time, roaming from appropriation to racism, but after a few months of quiet, you’ll still find the same bloggers rowing in the currents of mainstream thought and contributing to US-centric, heteronormative rhetoric that alientates and ostracizes “unpopular” issues like the fact WE ARE STILL AT WAR IN IRAQ, WE ARE NOT A POST-RACE SOCIETY BECAUSE WE HAVE A BI-RACIAL PRESIDENT, and the violence of poverty and rape still choke the life out of womyn everywhere in the world.”

Home births: ‘Buy some black bin liners’ posted at the Guardian.

“The nicest thing was after the birth I could have a bath in my own home, sit on the sofa, and watch TV with a cup of tea,” says Katrina Fox, 29, a full-time mother from Bournemouth who gave birth to her daughter Casia at home eight months ago. She joins a growing number of women who have decided to have a home birth. Though still only accounting for less than 3% of births in the UK, the Office of National Statistics shows there has been an 8% increase in the number of home births since 2006, and this figure is thought to be rising.”

Kids, Sex, & Gender posted at Women’s Glib.

“The other day I was on the playground with my campers, who are going into third grade, and the topic of pregnancy came up. Several of the kids were adopted, as was one of my co-counselors, so conversations about different kinds of families and how they are made had come up before, but never in this much detail.

I suddenly remembered that it is difficult to answer kids’ questions: they are blunt and persistent, having yet to be hushed by what society deems acceptable to discuss in polite company. How do we talk to children about immensely complicated issues, in language that’s simple enough to understand but doesn’t shed necessary intricacies and ambiguities?”

Mr. Mom posted at Shakespeare’s Sister.

“There’s no such thing as a “Mr. Mom.” Yes, I know—but hilarious ’80s movie starring Michael Keaton fighting a rogue vacuum cleaner aside, that role actually has a real name, which is “Dad.” (Or Father, Daddy, Pops, Old Man, Pater Familias, or some other variation thereof.) “Mr. Mom” implies that parenting (and/or cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, etc.) is only something women can do, which is factually incorrect.”

An ass out of you and me posted at The Hand Mirror.

“When people see me out and about with Wriggly they think I’m a stay at home mum, because I’m a woman and he’s little. When people see Wriggly’s dad out and about with him they almost always conclude he’s in paid work and having a day off.

Enlightened societal attitudes to sharing parenting? Nope, not there yet.”

Boy or girl? posted at Wallaby.

“I’ve been out of town supporting some friends while they had a baby.”
“Awwww. Was it a boy or a girl?”

I’ve had a great deal of trouble with this instant reaction. Is that really the most important thing you could think of to ask?

I usually just tell them the assigned sex* and leave it at that. I’ve called a couple of people out on their reaction: “Would you have said the same thing if I’d said [the other sex]?” The answer has always been “yes”, and I’ve been in situations where it hasn’t felt appropriate to go on and point out “well, why ask, then?”

Back To School: Corporal Punishment For Students posted at Womanist Musings.

“In Canada, corporal punishment has long since been outlawed but this is not the case in the United States.  As millions of children return to school they do so with the knowledge that along with new friends and lessons,that the paddle is also awaiting them.  Despite much documented evidence that spanking is bad, adults continue to be violent with children, in the false belief that it encourages them to  alter behaviour that we have deemed unpleasant or dangerous.  I have spoken at length about my own dances with the belt and the trauma that is caused but many today feel that because they were spanked and turned out fine, that violence against children is acceptable.”

Choice posted at PhD in Parenting.

“It is bad enough that the patriarchal society that we live in still limits women’s choices. But it is even worse when one woman looks down on another woman for the choices that she has made. That is why I will not and I cannot support any politician or any group, female or not, that seeks to limit the choices that women have. Especially when they themselves have benefitted from some of the choices that were available to them.”

The Gender Police is still alive and well posted at Viva La Feminista.

“She hasn’t told us so, but her camp counselor told my husband that the boys are teasing her about her hair. “You look like a boy!” is their main chant. This led to a discussion about teasing, boys and gender. Sadly I have to admit that we immediately think “What are those boys’ parents teaching them?” But I quickly recall that gendered expectations are pervasive in our sexist society. Girls|Boys, there is no in between.”

Singing the pink blues posted at Salon.

“At least this year, I thought, there will be no battles over whether Barbie and her wardrobe will inhabit our house, no pop-psych deconstructions of the Little Mermaid trading her voice for a husband. We won’t debate whether Power Rangers provide badly needed female action heroes or equal opportunity violence. It will be all Duplos, Play Doh and Beanie Babies.

But I was wrong.

As we assembled the farm set, we found that the father plugged into a round hole in the driver’s seat of the tractor but the mother — literally a square peg in a round hole — didn’t. And so it began.”

Child’s Play posted at Equally Shared Parenting.

“It’s a silly rhyme – not worth mentioning, right? In the grand scheme of ESP, probably not. But when our kids are subtlely buying into the idea that it’s perfectly normal for moms to do all the caregiving and dads to tune out the family, we’re setting up the next generation to unconsciously act out this age-old inequality (with both parents missing out on a lot of fun).”

Teaching children that domestic violence is bad is…bad? posted at We Mixed Our Drinks.

“Despite the fact that 89 per cent of people who experience repeat incidents of domestic violence are women, despite the fact that two women are killed every week by a male partner or former partner, despite the fact that one in four women will experience domestic violence and that it accounts for between 16 per cent and one quarter of all recorded crime, the Mail reckons schools shouldn’t teach children that it’s wrong, clearly because it’s part of an insidious feminist agenda which wants to see men removed from society altogether.”

In the Box – Gender Roles and Preschool posted by Cutiebootycakes at BlogHer.

“It is fascinating that despite living in a household where gender roles are not defined, this young man has already drawn a clear line in the sand regarding male and female roles. Sitting with my friend I theorized that perhaps he learned this at school. She’d previously described a little girl that claimed her son as “husband” and not only is he tasked with hugging her before leaving on a daily basis but they frequently play together in the kitchen. He sits at the table while she “cooks” him a meal. Again, these stereotypical gender roles are perplexing. All of the children in the class have mothers that work outside of the home and at least 90% are doctors – MD or PhDs. I mention this because these women are in powerful positions and yet the children still buy into the stereotypes.”

The Feminist Stockholm Syndrome & What You Owe Me posted at The Feminist Breeder.

“Somebody please raise your hand and explain to me who will be paying the taxes that will sustain this country if there are no future generations?  I really want to know.  If you think you’re so smart, explain to me who’s going to be wiping your ass at the nursing home, or finding a cure for your Alzheimer’s, or even driving the ambulance when you go into cardiac arrest, if there are no more people being born and taking up these jobs?  Who’s going to pay the taxes into the system that gives you EMTs, and police, and transportation, and Medicaid, and Social Security?  Do you think that when you’re 80, the 80 yr old next to you is going to be doing all these things?  Obviously not.  No, it’s probably going to be a 20-something year old; a child born years and years from now – maybe a child born to my children.  So clearly children are not obsolete. And wouldn’t you rather have healthy, happy children who were taken care of by their mothers/fathers and by society?  Wouldn’t you want the person in charge of curing your cancer to have those few extra IQ points and be in overall good health?   Well, you probably didn’t think that one through too well, did ya?”

Reproductive freedom and racial paranoia: or, why Melanie McDonagh can fuck right off posted at Penny Red.

“To which my response is: fuck. Right. Off. I’m not going to be told when and how and with whom I may breed, by anyone, thanks. My body is mine: it’s not a tool of your crumbling kyriarchy, it’s not a self-replicating node in your future white race, and it’s not a mute block to shore up a class structure contorting in the face of global migration. Fuck off with your misogynist frothings: I’m not anyone’s baby-making machine. I don’t care when I ‘should’ get pregnant. I’ll carry a child when I want, or not at all.”

Spoiling Our Daughters and Raising Our Sons: How We Are Unconsciously Raising Sexist Children posted at Soulbrother v.2.

“I now recognize the fallacy of my ways. And I must begrudgingly admit that there might be some grain of truth in her accusations. I am now actively trying to be more equitable in my treatment of my children. I am now actively trying to raise people—not men or women but people, people who think critically, who act not out of fear but out of rational thought, who are independent and confident in themselves and driven from within.”

And finally, Molly is looking for non-sexist/feminist children’s books over at Feminist Childbirth Studies.

“When we had our baby and started amassing books, I was quite frankly amazed and disturbed at how sexist so many children’s books are. Including books my progressive friends and I remember quite fondly, though vaguely or in gender-ideology-free snippets. Stuff I found myself unable to read aloud with the cheerful, engaging enthusiasm one attempts to inject into even the most exhausted of readings when one hopes to raise a lifelong book-lover. Mrs. Mallard gets the little ducky babies all nice and tidy to meet Dad after his big trip; Daddy drives Mommy and the kids to the grocery store and, wow, Daddy’s such a good driver; always with the pretty-and-nurturing women/girls and strong-and-active men/boys; the sort of repetitive crap that elicits eye-rolling and a sarcastic voice from me. What are feminist bookworm parents to do?”

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That concludes this edition, I really hope you’ve enjoyed it. As I said at the beginning, please please submit your blog article or one you’ve read and loved to the next edition of the Carnival of Feminist Parenting using our carnival submission form. The next edition will be posted on Sunday 11th October 2009 and the submission deadline is Sunday 4th October. Past posts and future hosts can be found on the Carnival home page.

 

September 1, 2009

Free To Be… You And Me (part 10 of 17)

Posted by Anji under gender stereotypes, video
[5] Comments 

 

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